My Journey from agnostic - atheist

[bassman]

lots has happened since I was on here, and we are separating now, at her request, and I am pretty cut up. It would be good to get a pm or 2 from some folk on here :-)

I could use some friends right now.

[polypenguin]

well, although I can offer my condolences, and wish you the very best, I can't give you a hug through the computer as i'd like too. Things will get better, even though it may be difficult to see now.

[Phy]

Ah dear, sorry to hear about this development. May these virtual (((hug)))s give you some positive vibes and I hope that you will be able to overcome this messy situation as healthy as possible.

[Magdlyn]

Awww, bassman, sorry for your separation! Don't you want to talk about it here?

Was it the religion thing?

[bassman]

Hi all
I was officially divorced by the UK courts on 7 Dec. Soooo much has happened, and yes, Magdlyn, I *do* want to talk about it here.

But which parts to talk about, gosh, I dont know yet.

Yes, you might say it was the religion in the end. But she will blame someone else that I met (there was no sex, and I NEVER went to see her without asking my wife first).

She wanted an amicable separation. Now, in the UK, there is no such thing! so you HAVE to blame someone, and I agreed that she could slander me. I did not contest what she said about me. I could have stopped the whole thing by telling the court, truthfully, that I wanted to reconcile, and that she refused to go to couples counselling, when I offered it multiple times.

But I didnt contest it, I wanted to give her what she wants - to meet someone else.

By the way, hows this - in the eyes of the UK law - if I'd had sex with a woman, thats adultery, but if Id had it with another man, its not. go figure.

Weve nearly sorted out all the financial and child care arrangements. and ive moved out to a studio flat down the road.

How sad.

Her lawyer wrote to me that she "wanted a christian marriage". What I wanted was an intimate relationship. The 2 dont line up well.

[bassman]

Hi all
I was officially divorced by the UK courts on 7 Dec. Soooo much has happened, and yes, Magdlyn, I *do* want to talk about it here.

But which parts to talk about, gosh, I dont know yet.

Yes, you might say it was the religion in the end. But she will blame someone else that I met (there was no sex, and I NEVER went to see her without asking my wife first).

She wanted an amicable separation. Now, in the UK, there is no such thing! so you HAVE to blame someone, and I agreed that she could slander me. I did not contest what she said about me. I could have stopped the whole thing by telling the court, truthfully, that I wanted to reconcile, and that she refused to go to couples counselling, when I offered it multiple times.

But I didnt contest it, I wanted to give her what she wants - to meet someone else.

By the way, hows this - in the eyes of the UK law - if I'd had sex with a woman, thats adultery, but if Id had it with another man, its not. go figure.

Weve nearly sorted out all the financial and child care arrangements. and ive moved out to a studio flat down the road.

How sad.

Her lawyer wrote to me that she "wanted a christian marriage". What I wanted was an intimate relationship. The 2 dont line up well.

(I guess I should start a new thread - the title doesnt match the discussion now.)

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by bassman

She wanted an amicable separation. Now, in the UK, there is no such thing! so you HAVE to blame someone, and I agreed that she could slander me.

That's so funny, because in California, they basically don't allow you to place blame. There are only 2 reasons to divorce, "Irreconcilable Differences" or "Incurable Insanity". Unfortunately, the second option actually requires medical verification and religious brainwashing doesn't count .

[bassman]

Well, the person I was attracted to last year, wants no more contact with me.

My ex wife is angry with me.

And today is the anniversary of my Nephew (26) passing away.

These things add up, and I feel so broken :-(

[opalescent]

Bassman,

I am so sorry about your nephew's passing and that the anniversary is causing you pain. It sounds like you two were close. I hope you remember him in ways that help you grieve.

The year after my divorce was a long, miserable and lonely one. My ex broke up with me and my OSO ended our romantic relationship shortly afterwards. I felt very, very alone. I was devastated by two such losses in so short a time. My life as I knew it ended. I was very broken, sad and lonely.

You are broken right now, I'm sorry to say. I was. I am healing but it takes a while. It hurts so much but it is ok to be broken. Mourn your losses - they are real and need acknowledgement.

Focus on building a good co-parenting relationship with your ex. That will be very hard but, as you know, necessary. (Why is she angry with you? Is it different beyond what has already happened?)

Rely on your friends and family. They supported me through some miserable times. Get out of the house, go do things you enjoy even if you don't freakin' feel like it sometimes. This will help you make more friends, which is a good thing. Rant on here when you want to. Get counseling if you think it would be helpful. (This is still on my to do list.) And if you are a pet person and can take care of one, get a pet. The only reason I got out of bed on some days was because my dog needed me.

This first year after divorce will be one of the hardest of your life. The pain will lessen and become more manageable. You will have good days again. You will become less broken and eventually more wholly yourself. You will discover new things about yourself that you never anticipated. This is startling but a good thing. But it will not be fast or straightforward.

Now is the time just to hold on and grieve. If your experience is anything like mine, it will be all you can do anyway.

[InfinitePossibility]

My heart goes out to you. Loss is so hard to deal with. I know just what you mean by things adding up.

I have been finding that allowing myself time to just be - to do the minimum I need to is helpful. The only things I'm making sure that I do is get to work, see my friends, family and SO often, get some exercise and make sure that my dog, love and companion, C is cared for.

I'm letting everything else drift for now.

Be gentle with yourself and concentrate on what's important to you. I hope you feel better soon.