How did I get here & Where am I going?

[ImaginaryIllusion]

As far as current relationships go, things seem pretty stable between my wife and her gf. I still have no issues of note with my metamore, or anyone on that side of the tribe.

At the moment I’m travelling again...in the boonies outside Toronto right now...and after a short reunion at home, I’ll be gone again to somewhere that brings to mind images of gold panners and dog sleds. They aren’t long trips but it makes for interesting date nights with my wife. We get to talk, and reconnect, and make plans, and fight, and enjoy the local brews. Yeah, don’t get hung up on the fighting part, it’s just part of the routine when I travel it seems.

The knockdown, drag out conversation we had the other week was an eye opener though, as I got a good blast of exactly what she thinks of the moral quality of my chosen occupation, and I think she caught a peak of my own attitudes about it that I don’t think she liked very much. It’s something I generally keep very well hidden from her, and others, as it’s not something well understood...even by some of those in the same line of work. And definitely not by the people around us, poly or not.

I generally don’t figure that there’s much of anything I need that I don’t get from my wife already, but the conversation brought to light something that I think I want; to be understood, specifically in relation to my chosen occupation, and the moral code that goes with it. I would like to know someone who can understand why I believe my path to be honourable; why I would have followed my grandfather and great grandfather into it.
Bless my wife for trying, and I know she does try, and I think she carries some amount of pride for what I do. But she doesn’t get it, and she never will. Her heart is full of compassion, and care, and love, and frankly, I don’t want her to get it, as it’d get in the way of who she is, and why I love her.

It was probably my fault anyways for trying to defend myself instead of just taking it. I generally spend enough time biting my tongue around town anyways, it’s amazing I still have a physical ability to talk. But sometimes the inclination to justify myself becomes overwhelming, and as much as that might cause tears and heartache sometimes, at least my wife is understanding enough to still love me after. So one of these days, I think it’d be nice to be able to share my thoughts on it, and be understood...I don’t even know if such a creature exists...I expect unicorns would be easier to find in my town.
(PS: To my wife...DO NOT TRY TO FIX THIS…it’s not yours!)


It’s possible that some of this episode came from a more general disconnect that we’ve had lately. We had an awesome vacation for a couple weeks with lots of time together, and I think we hit the post-vacation crash at about the same time...falling right back into pre-vacation routines, which includes a lot of time at home alone time for me with my wife being away lots doing extra-curricular stuff. So I’m thinking it might be that I’ve been struggling with what to do about it...since asking her to stay home more isn’t an option. (Not that she wouldn’t, but because I don’t want her to feel she should) And then things go into a tailspin. I’ll look around at maybe writing to someone on OKC...this is not a short process for me. It takes a long time to figure out what to try and say, fully knowing that it’s unlikely to be acknowledged, never mind actually responded to. Yet browsing profiles or messaging is something I feel I shouldn’t be doing when my wife’s around, and often because I occasionally get slammed for making her feel like I’m looking to upgrade.

No, I’m just looking for something to do! I’m generally sculling about with the computer anyways, so after crackbook and spam patrol on the forum, messaging people is the next best time waster, so it’s either that or Minecrack! But here’s the thing, the “search” for anyone there is half-assed too. What am I supposed to tell them in the opening message? “Hey, how are you? I wanna date you a few days a week because my wife is out and I’m bored!” Yeah, good reason to date someone...don’tcha think?! We can add it premptively to the Stupid Messages That A-holes Send To People On OKC thread.

I’ll get this one sorted out eventually, probably with a non-poly response, like having a friend or two over occasionally for beer, or taking some guitar lessons or something like that. It’s just that I take a while to get around to it.
(PS...To my darling wife: DO NOT TRY TO FIX THIS EITHER! My job, not yours.)


When I get back, there will still be a lot of work to do. We’ve become comfortable enough with poly I think that we’re growing weary of being closeted from the parents. So, since we’re going to be outed one day anyways, we are thinking of choosing our own time and place to come out to them. So chances are we’ll be doing so within a couple weeks, with my parents as a test run. But that’s another story...


Keep Calm and Poly On!