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  #41  
Old 09-28-2012, 12:01 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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It seems like you may be confused? I'm not sure what the point is of coming to polyamory.com, (polyamory being multiple simultaneous relationships that are loving, usually sexual, and often committed) and saying that letting your husband sleep with someone else is a bad idea. We're all about letting ourselves and our partners develop emotional and physical relationships with other people, that's kind of the entire purpose of this board.
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  #42  
Old 09-28-2012, 03:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by happinesswins View Post
Although i do not participate in the lifestyle discussed here, i am all for doing what makes you happy.I find it strange to see that this situation,being the issue of whether or not to agree to lend your husband to your best friend, requires so much discussion?I think that there is only ONE simple question to be answered here.This is how i see it ....Are you prepared to lend your most valuable treasure to anyone else, when there is even the slightest chance that they might not give it back ?????????I find it strange that your dearest friend would ask this of you , let alone your husband.I wouldnt care about how HELPFUL it might be for her damaged soul.She can go out and find her own husband when she is prepared to do that herself.Until then she can find her own FWB .No amount of planning and discussing what to do when they end up more connected after having a sexual relationship will make an ounce of difference when it has already happened.Even legal documents drawn up to protect us from misery, are not worth the paper they are written on when things go wrong!!!!I love my friends dearly too ,but i have learnt not to even lend them my books , let alone my husband!!!DONT lend things that you are not prepared to lose .......
Yahbutt,..Environmentally friendly polys, reduce, reuse, and recycle.

There is risk in everything. You could cling to your mate and only spend time with each other. Then one day, he nails your best friend when they meet by chance at a bus stop.

However, I think you have wise words in a different way. Anything requiring this much discussion, and needing every single wrinkle ironed out, is not necessarily because people have some phobia that needs to be dealt with. It's usually because a gut-instinct is SCREAMING at them, that something is going to go wrong, but nobody wants to be the bad guy, that just says no.

There really is a fine line between addressing hang-ups, and listening to instinct. Someone once told me that a worry feels like butterflies in your stomach, and instinct feels like a slow burn. It's been pretty accurate.

Older thread, and I am sure they figured it out. Any updates ?
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  #43  
Old 09-29-2012, 05:49 AM
happinesswins happinesswins is offline
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Wink all for your comments

AnnabelMore ...i found this site by accident ..searching..one thing leads to another ,you know how it works. I am totally happy with what choices people make regarding their sex lives ,and i do understand what the polyamory life style means.I just find it odd that someone who chooses to live in a lifesyle that is about sharing their partner with others, is seriously undecided about doing just that?I simply recommend that if it feels bad ,dont do it.Like i said , dont share what you fear losing!!!Being the fact that its her best friend is too close to home , and makes me think about when you get yourself a nice new ....lets say, dress ....and your best friend says....i love it can i borrow it ?....Most the time we say ,"Of course ", but in our heads we think ,F**K NO, get your own !!Sometimes sharing is not always easy ! To SourGirl.....I agree..go with your gut.If youre not prepared to gamble and lose ,then dont play the game... Not trying to upset you girls , just adding my perspective on this issue.
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  #44  
Old 10-04-2012, 07:41 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Default Situation Update

Things seem to be going well.

First, my friend's situation:
He did briefly attempt to continue the abuse by filing a restraining order against her, claiming that she deliberately lured him into communicating with her and then called the cops, and that this is a form of harassment. The court actually granted the restraining order. Literally 5 minutes after it was granted, he called her but she didn't answer. I suspect his genius idea was to "trick" her into talking to him so he could call the cops with his new restraining order. But since she hadn't even been notified yet, it wouldn't have mattered, never mind the fact that it was him calling her. When she reported his phone call to the police, he claimed it was a pocket dial... Obviously bullshit, but no way to prove it. There have been no encounters since then.
She has another friend who's been staying with her and helping her a lot.

Second, the situation between my husband and my friend:
The got together once and fooled around (no intercourse) and there were no negative consequences. He's gone over as a friend a few times since, but he hasn't been in the mood for more than hanging out.
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  #45  
Old 10-05-2012, 10:34 AM
happinesswins happinesswins is offline
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Glad to hear that things are going well.Happy that your husband and best friend are just that.....Life is complicated enough without having more emotional problems to deal with ...good luck to you all...
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  #46  
Old 10-05-2012, 10:51 AM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by happinesswins View Post
AnnabelMore ...i found this site by accident ..searching..one thing leads to another ,you know how it works. I am totally happy with what choices people make regarding their sex lives ,and i do understand what the polyamory life style means.I just find it odd that someone who chooses to live in a lifesyle that is about sharing their partner with others, is seriously undecided about doing just that?I simply recommend that if it feels bad ,dont do it.Like i said , dont share what you fear losing!!!Being the fact that its her best friend is too close to home , and makes me think about when you get yourself a nice new ....lets say, dress ....and your best friend says....i love it can i borrow it ?....Most the time we say ,"Of course ", but in our heads we think ,F**K NO, get your own !!Sometimes sharing is not always easy ! To SourGirl.....I agree..go with your gut.If youre not prepared to gamble and lose ,then dont play the game... Not trying to upset you girls , just adding my perspective on this issue.

I read your posts, and i can tell you are mono and dont truly understand poly. First of all poly is not about sex, its about love. And one of the things you understand when you are poly is you can only be responsible for yourself. Saying i wont share him cuz i might not get him back is a mono mindset of i own my partner. None of us owns our partners. I have lots more i could say on this, but......
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  #47  
Old 10-06-2012, 12:56 PM
happinesswins happinesswins is offline
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To Polyq4....Here is how i see it ...this may take a while . S.cat said that they would like to pursue a sexual, non romantic relationship.She also said that things began before they discussed it with her and that it "got off to a bad start ".She was also says that it was "still a concern"that her friend was not capable of being fully open and honest.She had reservations, not about sharing but attachment. Obviously she is worried where this will all lead. Phy said... some are able to separate sex and feelings, but she could not .She said never assume some kind of guarantee and that she wouldn't feel ok with it personally. Nycindie added..that she wouldn't worry and she says she is independent solo poly.( that sounds like single ?) S.cat then added "she could develop feelings for him " which would ruin our friendship. After the fisting workshop it was weird for her and her friend afterwards..She later says her husband is not in it for love , just sexual variety(how he sees himself).He has no desire for anything but fucking.She also states many things that are of concern,"sounds warning bells ",doesn't feel like she "can trust her ", this "could damage my trust in him ", she doesn't believe that they're "above those risks " . Then there is "seen far too many horror stories ", "dont want to get caught in any kind of turmoil "and can imagine it bringing up some difficult emotions ". Nycinde then said.. that she thought it was "not a good idea for any of you ".Km34 adds "could cause lasting change in the dynamic between all three of you " and that she'd "rather miss out ...than deal with the potential loss of a good friendship ". S.cat returned with "just normal jealousy that i can deal with ...but i dont think it is ". "Never had such a..reaction " about her physical symptoms . She tells us that they "both refused to admit that it was at least a remote possibility "that feelings could develop. Later on she said that she would never walk out on her friends ( in need ) . Here i would like to add a question ...How can you truly help a friend in need when you are involved in the problem ? What i mean is .. if they went ahead with this no feelings arrangement and the friend develops feelings , then gets hurt when the husband doesn't return those feelings , how can you be both her friend giving her support, and the wife of the man who is hurting her at the same time ????? Isn't there a conflict of interest here ? Its hard to "support her broken heart "when shes had it broken by you own husband . Dinged heart.. explains that sex is sex , love is love and that a poly is more realistic about the possibility of more ! To clear up some issues , S.cat tells us that her husband is not poly, that she is, and i understand her girlfriend is not poly. She says that they make a big deal out of "distinguishing between polyamory and just fucking around ". Her husband just wants" casual sex now and then" . " Annabel says ..polyamory is having relationships that are loving , usually sexual and often "committed "! Its "all about letting our partners develop "emotional and physical relationships with other people "! ???????????? SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO why is it that S.cat who says she is poly is concerned about her husband and girlfriend developing an emotional relationship ?????????It could be her girlfriend that she may fear losing , not her husband , it doesn't matter which .I wouldn't lend my girlfriend to my husband if i though it could ruin our friendship , even if i was poly . It is plain to see that she did not feel that creating problems between the three of them was worth the risk ...Good idea. Protect the relationships that you value!!" Don't put all your eggs in the one basket "', you could lose them all if something goes wrong !! You dont have to be of a certain sexual orientation ,or living a particular lifestyle to understand this. I could have made lots more comments myself up to here, but its late and im tired. Im simply pointing out to you the key points that stand out to me throughout this thread. Now .....To Polyq4, yes i am mono, straight , aged 44, married 20 years , been together longer than that , 2 kids . I don't own anyone , and no one owns me ! You say that poly is not about sex , its about love , and that if you're poly , you can only be responsible for yourself ( as in you cant control others ??) If this is poly ....then anyone who calls them self such should have no issue with any connection that develop between other people ( including those they are in a relationship with ) because this is surely part of the LOVE part of a poly relationship...its not about sex you said. Also , if you don't own the other person, how is it that your partner needs your ok to have a relationship with anyone, including your best friend??Of course he is asking to make sure that you are ok with it, and that you are involved with the planning of it . But if you are truly poly, then you should think "go with my blessings ", "i trust you " and "i know that its just sex for you, that's fine with me"( the sex only part ), and " if she develops a connection with you that's fine with me too " ( that would be the love , connection part of poly) .I think Annabel explained this well ..."its about letting our partners develop emotional and physical relationships with other people " . I cant see how S.cat could have an issue here, not when it comes to poly thinking .And that's looking at it as two separate issues , as the wife , then as the friend . However she had concerns all the way about them forming an attachment that could ruin the happy relationships they had before.She new that mixing those relationships up could hurt everyone.This seems to be an exception to the poly way of thinking .I see it as an example of a situation where gut instinct and common sense far outways any poly beliefs .I am very pleased to hear that all is well in the end...Its all fun and games til it ends in tears ..take caution ..( not intended as an insult here ) What we think is harmless could prove to be a nightmare , regardless of everyones best intentions .
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  #48  
Old 10-06-2012, 06:23 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Even though the matter is resolved, I'm going to comment on that... I guess I'm just feeling the need to defend my "polyness" while still having maintained the reservations that I did.

Quote:
She new that mixing those relationships up could hurt everyone.This seems to be an exception to the poly way of thinking .
There's no poly creed that says "you should embrace every situation that involves multiple romantic relationships, or else you're not truly poly." That's like saying you should encourage all women to abort every unplanned pregnancy, or else you're not truly pro-choice. Polyamory means you can choose to have multiple romantic relationships, not that a polyship is the best choice in every situation. A bad idea is a bad idea, poly or not.

Quote:
if you are truly poly, then you should think "go with my blessings ", "i trust you " and "i know that its just sex for you, that's fine with me"( the sex only part ), and " if she develops a connection with you that's fine with me too " ( that would be the love , connection part of poly)
This logic assumes that my husband is also polyamorous, which he is not. It would not be the "love, connection part of poly" because he is not polyamorous. I don't know how many different ways I can say this. Analogy? I like studying bugs. My husband likes squishing bugs. I would never encourage my friend to bring my husband on a bug collecting expedition, because he would squish all the bugs. Does that mean I'm not truly a bug enthusiast? I guess you could argue that I shouldn't have married a bug squisher if I'm a bug lover, but I consider it the price of admission.

Me being polyamorous doesn't make my husband polyamorous, and so his relationships don't fall under the "polyamory guidelines." Period. It's not that he isn't allowed to develop feelings for someone else, it's that he does not want to. The only reason it's not "fine with me too" if my best friend develops feelings for my husband is that he is not interested in returning them. I would say "not capable" but reading about Mono in RP's blog, I'm starting to suspect anyone is capable of having romantic feelings for more than one person... However, my husband currently does not have enough time for his family due to his job, so he sure as shit doesn't have enough time for his family and a girlfriend.

That's the practical side. The emotional side is that my husband...isn't. He grew up in a home where expressing your feelings was frowned upon, unless it was anger or pride. He's come a long way, but he still struggles with emotions. He's said time and time again that it's all he can do to keep up with one romantic relationship, that it's very difficult for him to do the work required to maintain that relationship, and that he'd rather walk over hot coals than have to deal with a third woman's emotions (the first being his daughter, the second being me).

Take the fact that he's my husband out of the picture, and therefore take poly out of the picture. Would you encourage your best friend, who's in an emotionally vulnerable state, to have sex with a guy who just wants sex, knowing that in her current state there's a chance she'll develop unrequited feelings for him, forcing him to break her heart? Now put my husband back in: You know the guy very well, and your opinion holds a lot of weight for him. You have the ability to head this off at the starting gate. Why wouldn't you use every drop of your influence to try and protect your friend?

I should re-iterate that my biggest fear was for my friend's emotional well-being. I was never afraid of losing my husband. If this was about polyship, my fears would be all about losing my husband, or losing a part of his attention, or something about me. This was never about me, so my polyness is frankly irrelevant.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 10-06-2012 at 06:50 PM.
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  #49  
Old 10-06-2012, 06:45 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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SC,

This is a very well-written post. I think that you convey your thoughts clearly. Poly does not mean "free-for-all, anything goes" - people are still people, bad ideas are still bad ideas, unhealthy relationships are still unhealthy relationships and what is good for the goose is NOT ALWAYS good for the gander (for a given goose and gander ). Every situation is unique and should be analyzed on its own merits. Thank you for taking the time to express your views.

JaneQ
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
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  #50  
Old 10-07-2012, 02:43 AM
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I had a "best friend" like that for many years. I considered her 'like a sister" and I was the friend that was "always there for her". All of her other friends and family admired me for being so loyal. However- I finally realized that she was wreaking havoc in my life. I had to admit that I had outgrown her and that she was so dysfunctional and self centered that she was not really contributing anything to our friendship or to me. In fact, she began to sabotage my primary relationship and that is when I had my wake-up call. I had become her rescuer. It was one sided and had been for a while. I ended the relationship. I still think of her and I miss her, but I do not regret ended the friendship. I have moved on and I have made new friends with healthier people who respect me.
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