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Old 09-28-2012, 02:15 PM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
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Default Dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder in a Poly Relationship

My SO's girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know how to deal with her. Everything that SO and I do together is percieved as a challenge to their relationship. She has huge meltdowns. SO will drop everything and run over to help her. I am so tired of the constant drama that I am just giving in and letting her get her way to keep the peace.

Anyone else dealt with BPD? What can I do?
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Old 09-28-2012, 02:57 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I've heard of this sort of thing happening, but i've never experienced it myself. From what i understand, this is what you have to look forward to as long as your SO is involved with this other person. There is no cure, no medication for BPD and it is often accompanied by other conditions, including but not limited to bipolar and social anxiety.

If I were you, i'd look deep within myself and ask myself if this person is so worth being with that you would put up with basically being involved with the borderline metamour. Then make a choice based on your personal priorities.
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Old 09-28-2012, 03:09 PM
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Drama is number one for people with BPD. If you decide to have firm boundaries, which I suggest you do for your own sanity, you will be the bad guy to them. There is no winning unless she decides to get help. Does she have help?
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Old 09-28-2012, 03:30 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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As someone who has dated someone that (I'm fairly certain, but not officially diagnosed) had borderline personality disorder (e.g. had all traits but the suicidal ones listed in the DSM) I personally wouldn't want to be involved with someone who was like this again.

The current though of those that put together the DSM is that personality disorders are lifelong and unchanging. (There are some more fringe or newer schools of psychology that think fundamental personality change IS possible, but it is worth noting that it is still difficult and the current official position is that it can't be fixed.) That being said, borderlines are notoriously the most frustrating of the personality disorders even for psychologists and psychiatrists to work with.

From my personal position, I would state to your partner what you need from her. If you need a certain amount of her time or energy, and she is not providing this to you because of her borderline partner's drama, then she is not being a good partner to you and is not meeting your needs. As someone who knows better than to reason with a borderline or to expect them to show maturity in their relationships, your partner needs to learn this lesson.

Unfortunately, it took three tries at romance and then another at friendship with my borderline before I finally learned my lesson. He would vacillate between being my best friend and my worst enemy, and my fiance and I were constantly having to drag him out of his own mess during the last try at friendship. We had to call an ambulance for him when he though he overdosed on a drug, and then two weeks later his girlfriend (who wasn't going to help him at all with the drug thing) got mad at my fiance over something really stupid and then he flew of the handle and told us that we were terrible people in his life and he never wanted to see us again. A few weeks later, we were all friends again, that is until he got mad over another something small and then threatened to call the cops on us.

Basically, unless she is actively in treatment and making progress toward healing herself and learning better habits, she is never going to be capable of having a healthy or stable relationship. I understand better than anybody how addictive their personalities can be for someone who isn't experiencing it. She isn't being disingenuous. She means everything she says and does. But she is a human wrecking ball and she will probably continue to be one for the rest of her life.
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Old 09-29-2012, 02:22 AM
Prudence Prudence is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Drama is number one for people with BPD. If you decide to have firm boundaries, which I suggest you do for your own sanity, you will be the bad guy to them. There is no winning unless she decides to get help. Does she have help?
Therapist here. There's no winning even if they do get help. BPDs are the worst patients. >.>

100% agree with everything MusicalRose said.
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Last edited by Prudence; 09-29-2012 at 02:24 AM.
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Old 09-29-2012, 02:54 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Dad is BPD -- one of his many conditions.

My full plate with eldercare stuff is made that much wackier with the up and down moody. I would not date a person with BPD because of it. I can only take so much, and Dad is IT. I'm at my limit and I can't take more on board -- for my OWN well being.

Sigh.

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Old 09-29-2012, 03:00 AM
Prudence Prudence is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I can only take so much, and Dad is IT. I'm at my limit and I can't take more on board -- for my OWN well being.
Amen. My quota is all used up by work. I am exceedingly patient with mood and anxiety disorders outside of work (provided people are, you know, TRYING to get some help... I have one friend who, I swear to god, LIKES being depressed, because he sure likes to whine but doesn't ever DO anything about it... argh!!), but personality disorders are more than my sanity can handle if I'm not even getting paid for it!
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Old 09-29-2012, 04:05 AM
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Why is your SO comfortable being with this person, and why doesn't he have strong enough boundaries, or enough respect for your relationship, to not let it be sabotaged by her disorder?
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Old 09-29-2012, 02:18 PM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
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She has been in therapy for years and takes a variety of medication. I spoke with her yesterday. Basically she says that she wants to get better and doesn't want to see my relationship with SO end. I told her that I was done caretaking her. That is she wants to be be able to handle life she is going to have to experience it. No more coddling, no more hand holding. Then I talked to SO and he was in agreement that she is not going to control things and is willing to do the same. He doesn't want to lose me and understands that he might if this continues. Next time she has a meltdown no one is running to her. Next time she is whining we will walk away. We will no longer chnge our plans to suit her desires. This is going to be a real eye opener when she is no longer the center of our universe.
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Old 09-29-2012, 03:15 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazenBurn View Post
This is going to be a real eye opener when she is no longer the center of our universe.
Yeah, an eye-opener for YOU. Be prepared to change your cell phone numbers and file for restraining orders, and other things.
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