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  #1  
Old 09-27-2012, 04:24 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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Default Is 'Keeping Tabs' wrong to do?

My partner and I have been together for about 10 months now...we don't live together just yet but there's been talk about that (in the new year) which would be good to wait until at least a year before making the move.

Yesterday, when I was at work and before to heading to his home for our evening plans, I was asked by him to drive his hookup of the day to the train station on our way to dinner. Okay...

I asked him later on if he had any other hookups this week (I find myself doing this every single time days go by without us seeing each other, as I'm curious and not quite sure he would offer up the information himself). He then, hesitantly, told me he had another the day before (a regular who he's hooked up with multiple times).

My partner then (of course) isn't feeling sexual from the days activities, and he's a bit sore, too, from both days (hoping that he'll heal from much activity in the nether region).

I broached the topic on if he feels comfortable with me asking about his hookups, and he says 'Why do you want to know?'. I was a little stymied. I didn't really have a good answer. 'Because I'm curious. You're my partner, I'd like to know who else you're sleeping with'. And he simply replies with 'Why?'. I still couldn't answer. I asked him back, 'Why do you think I would ask?'... he let me know it's because he thinks I might not trust him and/or I'm keeping tabs on him...

So, I'm on the precipice of something big here. I do feel more comfortable in our relationship as time has gone by, but I would like to know who he hooks up with, and when. But not exactly sure why. Hard pressed to answer, I think it helps me process with given facts instead of what I can conjure up in my head in a negative way (some baggage there) like inventing 'Did he just go to an orgy today?' He let me know he had fun with 10+ guys in a sauna on a trip recently, so that's a new tidbit for me to process and wonder if that behavior will continue in the home region. I also am a little upset/annoyed that he's 'sore', and his priority (me) can't partake sexually with him after the number his recent hookups did on him. I'd love to go to compersion, be happy for him, and relish in my hookups as well (as I do, in the moment when I'm having them), but I'm wondering if this is a normal thing, to consistently ask about his hookups, or is there an easy way to let it go... also, should I?

Lots of words, I know... thanks for reading and considering a response!
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  #2  
Old 09-27-2012, 05:18 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think it's just fine to want to know what's up with your partner's life, in all regards, and especially with something that affects you too! After all, his sexual health and emotional health are intimately linked to yours, it's not like you're not affected I think the real question is, why wouldn't he want to tell you? And rather than putting you in the awkward position of continuously asking, would he be willing to take the responsibility for sharing proactively? Imho, it's not a matter of "keeping tabs" as if you dont trust him, it's a matter of wanting to be in the loop, for HIM to trust YOU enough to not mind sharing. DADT is the exception in poly, not the norm, from my experience.

Another way to look at it... sexual energy is a shared resource in a serious partnership, in a way, and to a certain degree it's also a limited one -- you've pointed this out, in terms of him being too worn out for intimacy with you. One analogy could be to money, if that's not too crass. If you were sharing finances, and he was making investments or major purchases, surely it wouldn't be too much to ask to be kept abreast. You dont need to know his every flirtation or his every minor expense, but when he's sharing his body with others and then sharing it with you? Yes, it's perfectly ok and normal to want to know that, imho.
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Old 09-27-2012, 05:48 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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OMG... that was brilliant and so eloquent and well-worded.... I paraphrased most of your message and sent it (as an e-mail) to my partner... hoping that he feels more comfortable sharing... and promising to lessen the dying-to-know-right-away energy I can have going... thanks so much!
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Old 09-27-2012, 06:31 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I agree.

The way I put it when DH were dating as FWB?

"Just tell me what I need to know. Do not overshare. This is newsworthy -- dating new partner, new partner looking to go loverly, saw partner on__ for a ____ date." I don't need TMI details.

I do need to know what could affect MY body -- sex health stuff. I do not need cooties.

I do need to know what could affect what you and I do together. For energy/tiredness and emotional/mental health.

If you ran around theme parking and then marathon sexing with your other partner yesterday -- you are pooped today. Do I want to be with you today then and be all low key so you can rest or is OUR date better a few days later so WE can go theme parking and marathon sexing?

If you tell me you had a big ol' fight? I can then go into spending time with you prepared for emotional stuff. But I don't need to hold the emotional bag and your grumpy if I don't want to go there.

I'm not trying to restrict YOU. I want to know how to best spend MY time.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-27-2012 at 06:34 PM.
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Old 09-27-2012, 07:55 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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So glad you found it helpful, curious to hear how he reacts!
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Old 09-27-2012, 08:20 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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It went over real well... he's not as verbose as me, but after reading what I paraphrased from your post (which I completely identify with, of course) he replied with:

"Very very well-put! xoxoxxxo"

Thanks again!
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Old 09-27-2012, 08:36 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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Thanks, GalaGirl... I totally agree! It's a great thing to have confirmation from others that what I'm feeling and wanting isn't way off base!
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Old 09-28-2012, 01:07 PM
ahpook33 ahpook33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
"Another way to look at it... sexual energy is a shared resource in a serious partnership, in a way, and to a certain degree it's also a limited one -- you've pointed this out, in terms of him being too worn out for intimacy with you. One analogy could be to money, if that's not too crass. If you were sharing finances, and he was making investments or major purchases, surely it wouldn't be too much to ask to be kept abreast. You dont need to know his every flirtation or his every minor expense, but when he's sharing his body with others and then sharing it with you? Yes, it's perfectly ok and normal to want to know that, imho."
Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
"I do need to know what could affect what you and I do together. For energy/tiredness and emotional/mental health.

If you ran around theme parking and then marathon sexing with your other partner yesterday -- you are pooped today. Do I want to be with you today then and be all low key so you can rest or is OUR date better a few days later so WE can go theme parking and marathon sexing?

If you tell me you had a big ol' fight? I can then go into spending time with you prepared for emotional stuff. But I don't need to hold the emotional bag and your grumpy if I don't want to go there.

I'm not trying to restrict YOU. I want to know how to best spend MY time. "

THANK YOU AnnabelMore and GalaGirl, for putting words to something I have been thinking, but not quite able to verbalize for a while now. THANK YOU!

The sexual health stuff goes without saying. But while love is limitless, time and *energy*, including sexual energy, are most definitely not. This goes for the *emotional energy* of sex as well.

You have given me a lot to think about. Thanks again - putting what you said into words just wasn't working for me, and now I get it.
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  #9  
Old 09-28-2012, 03:49 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Haha, you're very welcome as well!

Tigger, just wanted to say, it was impossible to tell from your posts whether your bf was a good guy just sorting out the best way to handle things, or if he was a bit of a jerk. So glad to find out it's the former!
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  #10  
Old 09-29-2012, 01:29 PM
getliftedagain getliftedagain is offline
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very interesting read , and I agree with the responses , the only thing I could point out is that it sounds like your boyfriend is in the mindset of having an open relationship , where you seem to be in the mindset of polyamory ... I believe that this is one of the biggest differences between the two ..
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