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  #41  
Old 09-26-2012, 05:53 PM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post

In effect if this continues and comes out down the road your response to your husband will be ......I wanted to come clean sooner but ( bf ) relationship ...his life is more important then ours. That's the possible backlash. You might want to get the "not wanting to know " more rigidly nailed down....and get that on the record.
I've completely changed my tact. I am going to tell my husband everything, because you are absolutely right - I can't pretend that our relationship is the most important if I haven't put everything into it, and am, instead, protecting a relationship with L. So, disclosure is imminent. I'm delaying for two reasons - 1) we had to put down our 12 year old family dog yesterday, so still feel a little raw, and 2) due to trying to take the pill continuously I've had a low grade period for WEEKS now - I've stopped the pill so I can get it done and be intimate with my husband. I don't think it's fair to bring up heavy relationship talks when we haven't 'enjoyed' each other in soooo long
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  #42  
Old 09-26-2012, 06:26 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Really sorry for your loss it sucks .....I think my dad cried at the loss of his dog and not at my grandmother's passing so I get the depths these furry friends can have on us.


I'm not questioning your reasons but I hope this doesn't get looked at as a tactic in softening difficult news or worse.

After the fact it could be twisted into pity fuck, softening tactic, basic manipulation, cheap attempt to reassure sexual desire, etc, ...something you didn't intend. Is it possible this could send the wrong message ?
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  #43  
Old 09-26-2012, 06:36 PM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post

After the fact it could be twisted into pity fuck, softening tactic, basic manipulation, cheap attempt to reassure sexual desire, etc, ...something you didn't intend. Is it possible this could send the wrong message ?
Good point ... not something I intended at all. We just tend to bicker a bit more when we aren't getting it on with enough frequency, and feel more together and strong when we are expressing ourselves in that way. But maybe I'm just delaying for the sake of delaying ... there never really is a 'good time' is there?

I just need to get my head a bit more clear. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically, after yesterday. But one good night sleep could change that. I just really want to get this done, move forward recognizing the change together.

An old friend called yesterday after he heard about our dog. I was so happy to hear his voice. He's been someone I've 'loved' forever (we went to preschool together), and though we've never been together physically (we haven't lived in the same city since high school), the depth of our relationship is much more than friends. Speaking to him, I realized that I've been having a (non-physical) secondary relationship for years and years. I do have the capacity to love more than one, possibly three. I feel so rich!
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  #44  
Old 09-28-2012, 04:42 PM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Thumbs up Finally Came Clean!

I did it! I broached the subject by saying that when we first talked about open relationships, R said he 'wouldn't want to know'. I said that I wondered if that was really true since ... there was something to know. He said, "what have you done?" with amused curiosity. I took a deep breath, and told him L and I had kissed a fooled around a couple of times. His immediate reaction was - impressed. Then I got into the timeline, and he wasn't happy that he'd been left out of the loop for so long, felt a bit like he'd been played. I explained that it was frightening and bizarre when it happened, and I wasn't sure what it all meant. Then I said that I began to look into open relationships and poly relationships and realized that I do have the capacity to have strong feelings about more than one person. I brought up other friend (G), and I continually reiterated that none of these other relationships or feelings ever took away from how I feel about R. I said that my experience with L charged me and thus charged us, and that it was good. Throughout it all I defended what I feel, what I did, and apologized profusely for not being honest about it from the beginning. That was my only mistake. He brought up L's partner not knowing, and that it bothered him. I agreed, but we both agreed that it wasn't our place to dictate what they do in their relationship. He said that since its over, and isn't going to happen again (unless somehow L's partner is okay with it), then it's up to L if he wants to bury that secret to protect his weaker relationship. He did say that if L's partner asked him directly, he wouldn't lie. I don't think that I would either.

And then we had the most phenomenal sex ever.

We'll see how things go over the next few days. I know he's upset, despite being so amazing about it all. But he doesn't see it as a huge deal, and he doesn't see it as threatening.

So I feel so much better - and so lucky. I'm glad my assumptions about how my partner would react were correct. I know there will still be some work to do to rebuild trust, but I feel so much lighter now than I have in so long. I also feel like, were another L to come along, we'd have a great shot at a true open relationship. And that's liberating...

Now to tell L that the cat's out of the bag. I think he'll be okay, since it's still up to him whether he discloses to his partner or not. Part of me truly hopes that he does. For them. I feel so secure and happy right now ... all this angst, this lying by omission, and I could have been truthful from the beginning...
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  #45  
Old 09-28-2012, 09:17 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Good for you. Lying and hiding stuff does create such stress. I am sure the relief you feel is almost palpable.
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  #46  
Old 09-28-2012, 09:43 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Congrats!!
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  #47  
Old 09-28-2012, 10:04 PM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Good for you. Lying and hiding stuff does create such stress. I am sure the relief you feel is almost palpable.
It's amazing, I can't believe I ever thought that it would be better to keep this hidden. Yes, the stress of lying is far more than I thought, but also coming clean really validated everything that I was feeling. I didn't think that I should be ashamed of how I felt, or feel, but now I have no doubt in my mind.

I also want to really thank everyone on this forum who responded to me. I needed some of my blind spots pointed out, and everyone did that here in a really supportive way. I hope that my adventures into poly territory continue, so that I can continue to be a part of this community. I'm not sure if you all realize what a great service you are doing for people out there who are struggling with relationships that don't fit the 'norm'.

Thank you, thank you.
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  #48  
Old 09-29-2012, 12:55 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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GOOD JOB! Isn't that an amazing feeling, being able to be honest with your beloved?
I know it's meant SO MUCH to me and done so much FOR me since I came clean.

I'm proud of you (even though I don't know you) for taking that chance-it's a good feeling knowing that someone else has managed to break free of the delusion that the lying/secrets is a happier/safer place.

I'm glad your husband came through with a listening ear. It's awesome that you two are bonding over this. Learning from our mistakes is a critical component of self-improvement.
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  #49  
Old 09-30-2012, 09:02 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Congratulations! Just taking that step can be very scary, but whatever the outcome, it is freeing, knowing that you can live by a set of ethics that you can be proud of. There are so many folks that are in denial of this, and live lives of lying, not happy, but thinking that there is no alternative.

I am just extremely happy that the outcome was so positive for you. I thought it was really interesting that the only problem your husband had was that you had waited so long - I think that is a good lesson to learn too - delaying talking about it, often justifying it with "I'm waiting for the right time" actually is counter-productive in the long run, and upsets the partner even more.

Thank you for coming back and updating us on this.
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  #50  
Old 10-17-2012, 09:41 PM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Unhappy And now she knows ...

Well, it was wonderful ... for a moment ... to have my husband on board and everything feeling good and above board. But L's partner still didn't know, and the guilt of that was eating me up. I knew that she needed to know too, but the fall out was/is so terrifying. I spoke with L and convinced him that if he loved her and cared about his relationship, he would tell her.

And so he did.

I haven't heard a thing from L about what happened, but I tried to reach his partner and let her know that I didn't want to avoid this. She hung up on me. Too soon. I know that she is entrenched in thinking about this in terms of betrayal, and the lying was betrayal. But will I ever be able to get her to understand that motivations behind what happened were not so horrible? That we can choose to move forward from this in a different way?

How do I balance defending what I believe about the true nature of relationships, and being respectful of the fact that she thinks I've back stabbed her and betrayed her in the worst way possible? I feel such shame because of the order in which things happened (we should have talked about it first, or at least much much sooner), but I don't feel shame about how I feel.

And this isn't even out in the court of small town public opinion ...yet.

I feel better that she knows, my eye was twitching out of huge amounts of stress and it's not anymore. But I guess I was a bit naive, and didn't really expect this crushing sense of shame, I thought I might have a leg to stand on, but when I try and explain things, it sounds too much like a re-do of the 60's hippy commune philosophy.

And I worry about hurting her even more by even trying to justify this ...
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