Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 09-26-2012, 12:46 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,603
Default

I'd back it up one step. You don't even know that she wants this -- you are just curious to know if she does or does not.

It sounds like a grand noble gesture to be all "I love you so much honey! Let's fling the door to this monogamy cage so you can be Open!" But that's just a grand gesture on your part to make YOU feel good right now.

On her end? How do you know she won't be offended at the proposal? Go easy. Nobody ever died from going slow. If she's changed her life so much? She could go the opposite way. "OMG! How dare you? I change all these things in my life to build THIS monogamous relationship that I value a lot together with you and for us. And you devalue my changes and what I have done by suggesting our marriage is a CAGE? And that I go fuck around? What the hell?"

So ask her if she still wants it first and see how she feels. If not, drop it.

If so, would she be willing to just TALK about an open marriage -- Open in Heart and Mind to YOU. If so, learn together.

And you can always worry about Open in Heart, Mind, Body, And Soul -- WIDE OPEN later or decide not to go there after all. Approach this TOGETHER and on the same page.

You say a lot of your stuff is "perfect." Cool. Does she feel same? Or not? Why?

How about all this:
  • Our youngest is a 3 month old baby and both her pregnancies were hard. Is this the best TIME to plan an Opening? Best time to even ask her about discussing an Opening?
  • What about conflict resolution? Is that good between you?
  • What about general knowledge? Is that at the same place?
  • Are we talking swinging or polyamory? What if you want one and she wants another type of responsible nonmonogamy?
  • What kind of open relationship models are you two seeking?
  • What is your agreement for how to be together in right relationship while dating? What's the saturation point?
  • Have you both filled out all the things at http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/ and talked that out?

Do not answer all that to me -- talk to HER. There's still a lot more to discuss with her if she's willing to talk with you and plan an Opening together with you.

Stuff to explore together:

http://www.morethantwo.com
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html


HTH!
GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-26-2012 at 12:57 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 09-26-2012, 01:21 PM
thinker thinker is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
Unhappy you are right

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So ask her if she still wants it first and see how she feels. If not, drop it.

GalaGirl
i think i should drop it for a while (i haven't told my wife after i read Anneintherain comments a few hours back) since then i started to know that my timing and my proactive behavior on this approach might actually make my wife insulted or worse (why i didn't think of that). Must be my "do it quick and now" personality had gone off the charts again, i guess i just made a fool of myself for rushing the whole idea just like i was working (pretty stupid in my part). And yeah starting to think back, why the feck i started to ask for an open marriage (Polyamory) when my kid is 2-3 months old (damn why am i so sick). I didn't mean to insult my wife or anything but thanks for your warning. Anneintherain is right i m a horrible, manipulating and proactive person. Now i really know what my flaws are.........

p.s still shocked by what i have said and planned from the basis of my assumptions to being rushy, this really makes me shameful for myself for what i m after those 12 hours posting these threads

p.p.s thanks for the info that you had provided for me i will look at it closely for pure interest only not researching for it (may be a better time)

Last edited by thinker; 09-26-2012 at 01:25 PM. Reason: thanks
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 09-26-2012, 01:54 PM
Papillon Papillon is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 22
Default

You seem to jump between extremes in your thinking - you've gone from being really keen to do this right now to saying you're a horrible person for even thinking about it in just a few hours!

You're not a horrible person for being interested in this stuff, or for thinking it might be a good thing for your relationship at some point. All people have said is that you should think carefully about when you bring it up, when you open up (if you decide to), and why you are doing it. That's sensible advice for any relationship-changing step! You've decided not to pursue it now, which shows that you have consideration for your partner.

Don't beat yourself up about this when all you did was consider the possibility!

Being proactive is not a bad thing - it gets stuff done. You just need to make sure you don't get ahead of yourself and end up tripping over your own feet in your hurry
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 09-26-2012, 02:15 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 837
Default

Op... I am in an Open marriage.

My husband, of 11 years, who is monogamous is the one like you who opened things up. Before him I flitted from boyfriend to boyfriend. He approached me with the same original argument as yours. He wanted me to be happy.

BUT he had his own rewards in mind when he did so and it wasn't simply me being happy. He wanted something out of it too that I couldn't give him when it was just the two of us. He wanted BDSM from me and I am not wired that way. But if I am extremely happy I am apt to get more adventurous with hubby and his wants. He also is a bit of a cuckold.

Long story short I have met a man who I have fallen deeply in love with. Never went looking for the level of intimacy I have with M. Both emotional and physically. My relationships are separate but equal. I spend 50/50 with each man.

It is hard for my husband. He worries that I will leave him for M. Not happening. My husband is a once in a lifetime love. I love each man deeply. They are so different but yet the same.

Originally my boyfriend was to be kept separate from my family. Things have changed. My kids will be meeting the boyfriend soon. They will be joining me on some of my weekends with M at least during the day. His family is excited to be gaining three new kids. My parents and MIL live in Illinois and Iowa. My poor kids have no local family. They will finally get what other kids have, and my boyfriends mom is getting instant grand kids and is excited. My boyfriend never wants to get married and while he likes kids he doesn't want any of his own. Never felt the urge. But he wants forever but he is like me and needs his space now and again. I go home several nights a week.

For example this past weekend was M's weekend off. I spend those weekends with him. Usually from Sat afternoon through Monday when I go into work. I also saw him for a bit yesterday morning and I will going to spend the night tonight. This weekend he works and my husband is off. This weekend will be a family weekend. I wont see M until either an evening next week or the following weekend.

My husband is one hell of a man. I know he gets jealous. I have given him permission to find someone else. But it isn't always so easy. He does give up a lot for my happiness which I appreciate and cherish.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 09-26-2012, 02:30 PM
thinker thinker is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Papillon View Post
You seem to jump between extremes in your thinking - you've gone from being really keen to do this right now to saying you're a horrible person for even thinking about it in just a few hours!

You're not a horrible person for being interested in this stuff, or for thinking it might be a good thing for your relationship at some point. All people have said is that you should think carefully about when you bring it up, when you open up (if you decide to), and why you are doing it. That's sensible advice for any relationship-changing step! You've decided not to pursue it now, which shows that you have consideration for your partner.

Don't beat yourself up about this when all you did was consider the possibility!

Being proactive is not a bad thing - it gets stuff done. You just need to make sure you don't get ahead of yourself and end up tripping over your own feet in your hurry
i know i was exaggerating a-bit but it just magnify my problems and i had to admit my mistakes like asking my wife to have an open marriage when she just give birth to our second child that is just pretty pathetic. i guess i rushed a-bit on this issue by being proactive (may be because i had busy work schedules) ahhh well i will put this on-hold for a while not sure how long but i will tell her eventually......

thanks for trying to make me feel better but i guess bashing myself is one of the ways for admitting my flaws (weird way but it works!) ahhh well thanks anyway Papillon


Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Op... I am in an Open marriage.

My husband, of 11 years, who is monogamous is the one like you who opened things up. Before him I flitted from boyfriend to boyfriend. He approached me with the same original argument as yours. He wanted me to be happy.

BUT he had his own rewards in mind when he did so and it wasn't simply me being happy. He wanted something out of it too that I couldn't give him when it was just the two of us. He wanted BDSM from me and I am not wired that way. But if I am extremely happy I am apt to get more adventurous with hubby and his wants. He also is a bit of a cuckold.

Long story short I have met a man who I have fallen deeply in love with. Never went looking for the level of intimacy I have with M. Both emotional and physically. My relationships are separate but equal. I spend 50/50 with each man.

It is hard for my husband. He worries that I will leave him for M. Not happening. My husband is a once in a lifetime love. I love each man deeply. They are so different but yet the same.

Originally my boyfriend was to be kept separate from my family. Things have changed. My kids will be meeting the boyfriend soon. They will be joining me on some of my weekends with M at least during the day. His family is excited to be gaining three new kids. My parents and MIL live in Illinois and Iowa. My poor kids have no local family. They will finally get what other kids have, and my boyfriends mom is getting instant grand kids and is excited. My boyfriend never wants to get married and while he likes kids he doesn't want any of his own. Never felt the urge. But he wants forever but he is like me and needs his space now and again. I go home several nights a week.

For example this past weekend was M's weekend off. I spend those weekends with him. Usually from Sat afternoon through Monday when I go into work. I also saw him for a bit yesterday morning and I will going to spend the night tonight. This weekend he works and my husband is off. This weekend will be a family weekend. I wont see M until either an evening next week or the following weekend.

My husband is one hell of a man. I know he gets jealous. I have given him permission to find someone else. But it isn't always so easy. He does give up a lot for my happiness which I appreciate and cherish.
You are a one lucky wife Dagferi with a loving husband who had done a-lot for you. I know how he feels if his wife love her lover as much as himself, he must be pretty stressed up now. But i guess it might be because of the playing field between you and your H are imbalance or he is just being cuckold. Why wasn't so easy to make your H to find someone else? If my wife agrees with this i might be in a similar situation like him but not for long, before i go to Ashley Madison to have a network of friends-with-benefits and ultimately dating (if i m lucky since i m not good at knowing girls). Because i might be quite jealous on something like why my wife is enjoying her self while i don't have as much? I believe that both partners when engaging in an arrangement like this both of them should be enjoying themselves instead of one sided which has failed the purpose of open marriage in the first place.

btw got a few questions

-how long have you been engaging in an open marriage?

-how did your H proposed open marriage to you? (timing, situation and etc)

-is your M your first bf? or your ?th bf since open marriage

-how did you arrange your time between your H and your M since it requires massive amounts of time management

-how will you plan your time if one of them (H or M) wants to go to overseas with you (since i m foreign born it IS compulsory to go to overseas and also other places at the same time with my wife which can be like 100/0 for the next 1.5 months)

-financial arrangements?

-distance between your house and M's house?

-how bout the kids and family will they get used to it? (since my family especially my relatives comes from traditional background of monogamy i m -afraid they will disown me if they ever know it)

-did you try to separate them between primary and secondary partner? ( it will be my early arrangement where me and my wife's relationship is above all else -even if we had emotions to our respective lovers.

-what are your rules of open marriage?

(i know i asked lots of questions and its not few but thanks for telling your experiences from my situation and my perspective)

eager for a response............

Last edited by thinker; 09-26-2012 at 03:18 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 09-26-2012, 03:11 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,230
Default

Don't come to her with a grand plan all laid out, that will make her feel like she doesn't have the opportunity to develop this idea with you, as a partner. Maybe she would *want* you to start dating right away, for instance, maybe she will have completely different thoughts. Just bring up the subject, say you've been doing some reading about non-monogamy and you realized that you actually like the idea of her maybe dating other people down the line, and maybe you doing so too at some point, and want to know what she thinks. Then let the conversation go organically from there.

Good resources on jealousy at www.morethantwo.com

In terms of safer sex, you *do* have to define what that means. Condoms for PIV and/or anal sex is a given, but what about condoms and/or dental dams for oral sex? Gloves for fingering? Where would you want to draw the line? And as for emotional intimacy, it's more than just a question of is it ok for her to fall in love with someone else, what if she, or you, want to turn a dating situation into a co-primary partnership... another person to share your lives with? What level of commitment is potentially ok? Again, something you and she need to talk about together, and your ideas may change over time, but it's worth at least being aware of the question now.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 09-26-2012, 03:29 PM
thinker thinker is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Don't come to her with a grand plan all laid out,
i just want to know a-bit and try to have a discussion with her first.... Thanks for Dagferi i might actually got some valuable experience from her.

don't worry... also as i mentioned from my previous post i won't be having this discussion yet (timing is not right)
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 09-26-2012, 03:56 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

I would like to extend my appreciation for Thinker's sensitivity toward this matter. Recently, there has been a fair number of topics started by people with newborn babies. It's been either the woman whose partner wants to open the relationship and/or pursue other relationships, or the other partner who wants the mother of their child to accept non-monogamy in some way. These cases tend to feature selfish stubbornness in the non-mother partner, and a great deal of distress and anguish in the partner who is the mother.

It is refreshing to see someone who wants to do this for the other person, who is willing to listen to other people's advice without getting defensive, and is willing to let it go if the other person is not into it.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 09-26-2012, 05:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,603
Default

You got the feedback, you are reviewing your position. You have come to find that maybe you could adjust a bit. You are allowed to change your mind after seeking information, input, etc.

You have come to new self awareness -- that you have a habit of rushing into things. And there's the sense of TIMING and TONE in communication to consider. Not just the message but HOW the message is delivered.

That's good to learn. Nothing horrible there.

I'm a bit concerned by the HIGH and LOW thing -- the "volume" is up and down a lot. I'm not sure if it is your writing style or what? But if this is you in general way of going and not just the writing style? Try to see if you can be more even keel in your dealings and how you handle your feelings.

Relationships test that a lot -- ability to stay even keel. Ditto communication skills -- putting the message out well and receiving feedback from others well. It doesn't even matter if monoamorous or polyamorous!

Don't hide your inner life/thoughts from wife. You can share with her.

Tell her she is wonderful! Tell her you love the kids!

Ask her -- "Hey? Remember back in the day? What did you love? What could you do over if you could? Did you ever envision this? What we have today? What do you love? What could be better? Would you ever want changes in future? What do you dream for us together? What do you hope? "

That's just asking her about how she feels. You can share how YOU feel. And then leave it there for continued conversation and shared emotional intimacies. Marriage is always continued conversation. There is not any special rush to END conversation with your spouse!

Watch for that up and down thing. It's not all Closed or wide OPEN extremes. There's degrees if you want to take it in degrees. It could be a glass door that is CLOSED, but you guys are just looking through there at this new world and what it may hold. Read and learn and talk. Still CLOSED in relationship. OPEN to reading and learning together.

Just do not rush this, and if this is a habit of yours, be aware. Vomiting all over each other on some herky jerky type emotional journey is not a fun trip. Enjoy each other on the journey -- not make each other nuts.

You and she are free to write your own relationship story together and have it be how you BOTH wish, at the speed you BOTH wish to go at to the destination your BOTH wish to go to. If this is your next port of call on your Shared Life Adventure, plan the trip together well is all.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-26-2012 at 05:41 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-26-2012, 05:38 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,176
Default A Small Thought

This is an aside to the more on-point responses, Thinker.

I was struck by your wording that she changed herself for you. Consider the possiblity that she changed herself for her. Or perhaps the person you see was always there but not obvious until your relationship. You seem to be feeling some sort of guilt over her changes and it may simply be untrue and unnecessary.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
open marriage, open relationships, opening a relationship, opening up a marriage

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:20 AM.