Newly poly, advice on insecurity/anger
This post might get long, but I'm brand new to poly relationships and my emotions are getting the better of me. I hope you stick around to read my note. Any feedback is appreciated!
Anyway, here's what I've got going on:
My partner of 7+ years and I have always had an "openish" relationship, but this is the first time that he has pursued a "more than a fling" relationship that didn't involve me. I feel like such a cliché, but I am having a really hard time with the whole situation.
A little background: He's 44, I'm 30. We love each other a bunch, we're part of the BDSM community, and we have both played with multiple partners in the past. I've had physical/emotional short-term relationships with other women, and he has played with my girlfriends in addition to having had physical flings with some of my friends/acquaintances.
A few weeks ago, we were at an event and he hit it off with a young lady. I gave him my blessing, and they went off for a fun, sexy evening. Long story short, my partner and the new girl have kept in touch and are negotiating a more in-depth, power-based long-distance relationship.
It's important to note that I was the one who encouraged my partner to pursue a relationship with this girl. She seems really cool, she lives a few states away, and he's thrilled to have her attention. Plus, I think that the idea of him with other ladies is incredibly awesome! It's sexy and emotionally fulfilling at the same time, so I wasn't concerned about my emotional well-being, much less any potential backlash.
Fast-forward a few weeks:
I don't know what's going on! I know that my partner loves and respects me, but all of a sudden I feel like I just want to throw a temper tantrum and tell him to stop spending time with this girl and pay attention to me!
Crazy amounts of insecurity and doubt keep flooding my thoughts. Whenever we talk, I can't help thinking "Oh, are you saying this because you want to spend more time with the new girl?" Or "does this decision make it so that you get extra Skype time with the new girl?"
The things, in particular, that are tweaking my fears are:
- This new relationship is moving way too fast for my comfort. They are in contact via Skype, phone and email almost every day. I'm excited for all the new relationship energy floating around, but I feel like things are progressing really quickly. I've brought this up with my partner, and he gets it and has offered to break it off with the new girl. But that's not what I want at all. Unfortunately, I can't find a way to say "cool your jets" without specifically micromanaging their relationship. And that makes me really uncomfortable.
- I got a surprise day off from work this week, and I felt like the new girl was stealing my time when she and my partner spent time chatting over Facebook for a bit during the afternoon. I work out of state 3 days a week, and when I'm in town I basically don't want to see my partner interacting with the new girl. I love the idea that they're in touch when I can't be there, but I feel completely miserable when I actually see them chatting/on the phone/emailing/etc. What is wrong with me? Why am I being so Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
- The new girl is still in college. The nature of this new relationship is friendly, physical, mental, and most likely short-term (6 months to a few years) with my partner in a kinky mentor position. I promise that it's way less creepy than it sounds. Anyway, I'm completely secure in my many good qualities. But something primal in me is reacting to the new girl's age. She's only 21! How the hell am I supposed to compete with that? And why do I want to compete in the first place?
- I wasn't able to join my partner on an upcoming trip to D.C. Usually, he'd plead with me to find a way. But this time he didn't pressure me at all. Normally, I'd be thrilled with the lack of pressure! I have a demanding job, and don't love feeling guilty about having to spend so much time at the office. Instead, my partner waited an hour and invited the new girl to join him instead. I know it's crazy, but I feel like I'm being replaced.
It all just makes me want to just break down. I'm sure this isn't the first time a new poly relationship has bred insecurity. I just really wanted to talk to someone about it. So, that's it. I came to polyamory.com to share my story, and to get a little support. I don't really know how to handle all of these feelings. I just know that I want to be happy, I want my guy to be happy, and I want this all to work out.
Can anyone share their thoughts with me? Thank you, thank you...
|advice needed, insecurities, new dynamic|