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Old 09-24-2012, 09:55 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 375
Default Getting over some personal icks.

Somehow I feel this needs a history. I'm bad at those (almost as bad as I am with introductions to myself).

So around May when Primal and I went from BFWB (Best Friends with Benefits) to dating Peaseblossum had some difficulties with it. They had started dating when Lamian and Primal's marriage almost broke up as a rebound so when things were getting repaired she was fine with Lamian because that was the wife but had a bit of difficulty adjusting to a new girlfriend in the mix. This lead to some instances of her being very possessive of him around me which would result in me feeling like I wasn't wanted around.

During this time I also ended up in the hospital due to a suicide attempt and hit what was my breaking point the Friday after I got out (when he and I were supposed to have a date but I invited her along as well since I hadn't seen her since I was in the hospital; she lived a good hour and a half away; and ended up feeling like I was intruding on their date).

So then an explousion happend (bad communication on all of our parts). I was afraid of hurting her, she was afraid of hurting me, Primal hadn't thought about talking with her about how his and mine relationship was changing, Peaseblossum didn't realize that she was having problems with the relationship until the two of us hit a point that we realized that we couldn't let each other go (we tried after I got out of the hospital because I had been relying on him more than Woodsmith while I was doing poorly because Woodsmith didn't know how to help me and Primal and I realized that our 4 year friendship had turned into a relationship that we weren't ready to end).

Things worked out. I realized later that I was actually projecting onto Peaseblossum another problem that I was feeling. There were times when Lamian, Primal, Peaseblossum, and Darkeyes would get together to do things and not invite myself or Woodsmith and sometimes they made comments about the family but were only talking about the 4 of them so I was feeling like they didn't really want us in the family. And not coping well with that (and being afraid of losing the people I was closest to) I lashed out at the person I was the furthest from.

History lesson over. Things have actually all worked out to the point that we've actually realized that other than finances, 5 of us are completely ready to have the family become one household (Peaseblossum still has some reservations but mostly due to the fact that she's still trying to decide if this is something she wants long term or just for now).

So my question (I was going to get to it eventually). I've recently realized that some of my other problems are trying to get over a silly fear. I get fearful of what people who don't know about our relationships (even people I don't know) will do when they see me acting romantically with my other partners if they are doing the same. It's actually probably the reason that I allowed myself to push away so much when it was myself, Primal, and either Lamian or Peaseblossum (because my mind would think "I'm the third and they need to come first", Primal's been working very hard at helping me understand that I'm just as important to him as they are and that he doesn't see me as a third). So how did/do you get over that fear to actually not worry about what others may do to you?
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