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  #1  
Old 09-23-2012, 05:44 AM
squirtteacher88 squirtteacher88 is offline
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Default Where do you find that perfect secondary?

Hello,

I'm fairly new to the poly community and honestly still discovering a lot about myself and my wife and what we want. The other day we had a very in depth discussion about poly and agreed we'd like a trinogamous relationship with a third woman. We have a really solid idea of what we're looking for and what we'd like but don't know the first thing about where to look for someone like that. We're both very busy, she with our son and her makeup business and me with my work/two other businesses. We'd love to find someone who can bring extra laughter and happiness into our lives and who inspires us both... someone who we can be intimate with one-on-one or all three and without jealousy, and someone who can add extra support to our dynamic (running businesses and families is taxing... ideally we'd be able to support a dream of hers in return). And someone who understands how to be appropriate towards our existing family without being discouraged.

How do you find someone like that? We've tried and found someone who would work if she didn't have to go back home to South Africa We really hurt to have her leave but were understanding towards her situation. It's been hard enough to find women who are bi and open in the DC area in bar/club scene and we're sick of trying hookup sites cause we want a relationship and we're sick of trying relationship sites because there's very little allotment for our unique situation. There must be good places to discover other polyamorous people... we just don't know where to start. Every single woman we've found we've come across completely by accident and there's been years between them. Any suggestions to help us narrow down our search?
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  #2  
Old 09-23-2012, 07:18 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by squirtteacher88 View Post
We'd love to find someone who can bring extra laughter and happiness into our lives and who inspires us both... someone who we can be intimate with one-on-one or all three and without jealousy, and someone who can add extra support to our dynamic (running businesses and families is taxing... ideally we'd be able to support a dream of hers in return). And someone who understands how to be appropriate towards our existing family without being discouraged.
Hmmm, I hope you've thought a lot more about what you can give someone besides "support for a dream." Your wish list appears to be all about what this mythical wonder woman can bring to your relationship and living situation.

If you focus on meeting a PERSON you click with and whose company you enjoy, instead of a way to fit someone into your vision, you'll have much more success.
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Old 09-23-2012, 08:26 PM
squirtteacher88 squirtteacher88 is offline
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Understood nycindie and that's the enthymeme... We do want to find someone we click with and whose company we enjoy. I don't list other needs we can meet because everyone is so specific. We're both very nurturing and caring people and can usually pick up on and act on the things that will empower those around us.

So is your suggestion just mingling and hoping someone will come along who shares our lifestyle because it's really been difficult for us to find that in our area... is there a good way to transition a friendship with someone into a relationship with us both without potentially ruining the friendship if she does not agree with our lifestyle?
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Old 09-24-2012, 01:46 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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"ME, ME, ME."

No, I'm not volunteering. I'm just repeating how your post appeared to my eyes.

The answer is easy: go down to the local Unicorn Surplus and pick one up!!

You don't have to list other people's "needs" in order to actually talk about what you can offer to another person.

First of all, quit looking for a person to fill a specific role. Before you've even met her, you've put her in a box and dictated how she will fit into your life.

Next issue: forget about this "without jealousy" thing. Do you also want her to promise never to be sad, angry, or moody? Life happens, people react the way they react. Even the most poly-hearted person will feel jealousy from time to time. You show me someone who says they've never felt jealousy, I'll show you a dirty rotten liar.

Sorry to be so snarky, I just don't like it when people try to put others in boxes.

Now, in actual response to your question... Basically, yes, keep mingling, keep an open mind, be willing to compromise. Remember, it's not all about you and your wife. The other woman will be a PERSON first, and your girlfriend SECOND.
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Old 09-24-2012, 01:09 PM
squirtteacher88 squirtteacher88 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
"ME, ME, ME."

No, I'm not volunteering. I'm just repeating how your post appeared to my eyes.

The answer is easy: go down to the local Unicorn Surplus and pick one up!!
SECOND.
LOL! If only there was such a place

It seems a lot of people on this forum misunderstand my approach to this. Let me be more plain in my actual question:

My wife and I are discovering poly for ourselves lately. We're a little new to this whole thing and don't know a whole lot of other people like us. Where do you find poly-friendly people to discuss and learn abou each other, ourselves, the poly lifestyle, etc. Our interest is to find a shared girlfriend rather than someone separate from each of us but what we are looking for in the short term is just to mingle and understand more about what it means to be poly and how we CAN provide for a 3rd person. We don't ignore the needs of a 3rd party we just simply don't know enough about how this works yet. I'm pretty good at feeling out relationships but we've had hard luck the old fashioned way of using the world as our dating pool, people tend to be uncomfortable knowing we're both already together and very much in love... it's an uphill battle to help folks understand our intention (even in the poly community apparently).

I just wanted to know if there's good places to look for people like us especially in an area like ours which is fairly unenlightened sexually and relationally. The internet seems to be a pretty hostile place to meet other Polyamorous people too if this forum is any indication so rather than pass judgement as to our intention could someone pass me on to resources and communities where we can grow?
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Old 09-24-2012, 02:33 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Have you tried poly meet ups? There are a few in the DC, MD, VA area. Go to meetup.com and search for polyamory or open and similar keywords and they will show up in your search.
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  #7  
Old 09-24-2012, 03:43 PM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
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I guess I'm a one of those mythical unicorns. How do you meet me? You just do. There isn't a specific place or way. However, I do want to throw in a bit of personal experience. When I met my SO, I knew he had another GF. At first we talked about how "nice" it would be if we could form a triad. We had great fantasies about how we would all mesh together. Then we were hit by reality. Triads are not easy. Period. We were not able to make it work as a triad. Now we are in a Vee. If you are truly going to seek a traid and that is the only relationship dynamic that is acceptable then be prepared for it taking a long time. Also think about what you are going to do when the triad doesn't work.

I don't think we are being hostile on here, more like realistic.
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Old 09-24-2012, 04:07 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Also, OP you say you want a "perfect secondary" which sounds kind of dismissive and idealistic. Nobody is "perfect", and do you really think someone wants to be in a relationship where they're expected to be not only "perfect" but "secondary"? If you want a triad where all three of you are involved together as well as having individual relationships within the triad (and there really is no other healthy way of doing it - don't even get me started on the people who decide that they are only going to have sex if all three of them are present; this forum is full of situations like that where one partner (usually the wife of the original couple) discovers that the other two have been sneaking in the nookie separately without discussing changing the agreement), would YOU want to be thought of as "secondary"? But, that's a whole other debate, whether "primary/secondary" is a good way of defining these interpersonal dynamics.

Also, you said

Quote:
And someone who understands how to be appropriate towards our existing family without being discouraged.
What does that mean? If I had to guess, I'd interpret it as requiring this "perfect secondary" to pretend she's not your girlfriend around your family, but "just a friend" or a "roommate", that you expect that she will "behave herself" and not "rock the boat" by expecting to be included as a MEMBER OF THE FAMILY on holidays, birthdays, and other special occasions or gatherings, and expected to remain positive and upbeat while her relationship with the two of you is kept "in the closet".

There was something else I wanted to say too, but I forgot what it was while I was typing all this out.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 09-24-2012 at 04:12 PM.
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  #9  
Old 09-24-2012, 06:18 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"Our interest is to find a shared girlfriend rather than someone separate from each of us"

Hi there. I imagine that the negative reactions you're getting may seem disconcerting. The bit I clipped from your post above is what people are reacting to. It's an idea that many couples come into poly with but that seems to just cause problems and heartache for them and for any women they find.

Some quick and basic thoughts on why that is:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...9&postcount=23
http://www.lovemore.com/blog/?p=1050...#comment-28308

And how to avoid it:
http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

To sum up, making an authentic, deep, workable emotional+physical+intellectual connection with anyone is hard. Making that happen between one person and two people, who also happen to already love each other, might happen by serendipity but is too much to expect from any new person you meet. If that's your criteria for success, and any other configuration is failure, you will fail. I would strongly suggest rethinking how you approach the idea of finding a new partner. The both or nothing approach is based on fear and doesn't work. And for god's sake, whatever configuration ends up working for you, please don't be so hypocritical as to expect a new partner to be only with you, or to be in the closet for you. Sorry, there's that hostility from seeing others set up hurtful, no-win scenarios with this approach in the past. :/

All that said, OkCupid is a good, poly friendly dating site.
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  #10  
Old 10-17-2012, 06:58 PM
EVEMSW EVEMSW is offline
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I have to say I agree with the poor guy who started out by asking a some what simple question... There was a lot of negative blow back. I am in a relationship and would also like to find another girlfriend who can maybe come to love this amazing man that is in my life. I would love the whole family thing and she wouldn't be secondary to me at all. Maybe it would feel different for some people if we were married but I'm not sure I want to do the legal thing a good old fashion handfast is what I'm thinking...

I am on ok cupid and have meet some like minded people there. The only thing I would say is there is no way of knowing how love is going to turn out when you do add another woman. I have a gf I care for very deeply and her me. The three of us have been all together and it was awesome but she doesn't love him and may never. I guess then it becomes about respect and openess with both. I would still like the communal living thing. Don't think I will have that with her but I am still hopeful, my parents had a gf for over 30 years... The gf was a traveler and kind of came and went with her artistic wind blew her but there was real soild love between the 3 of them. I know my mom said it was work and in the begining they hit some bumps but at least I know it can happen.
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