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Old 09-24-2012, 02:55 AM
Invi Invi is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 38
Unhappy Girls cancelling dates on SO, he's upset, not sure how to comfort him.

I am very much monogamous.
He is very much not.

I don't like it, I'll admit it. It makes me all kinds of uncomfortable. I'm working on it, though. I love him, so I try.
He's not looking for other long-term partners, though. Just casual, short-term dating.

Earlier this year, he was seeing a girl for several months, maybe once a week if that often. Didn't see her for a couple months after our son was born. A month or two ago, she said wanted something more serious, he didn't, they stopped seeing each other. The end.

Since then, he's had first dates cancelled on him by at least 2 girls, seen 1 girl 3-5 times and stopped seeing her (I think she stopped contact? No idea. I ask some questions about those kinds of things, but not many.), and a week or so ago he went on a first date with one girl who.. I guess was a little too abrasive for his tastes.

He was supposed to go out last night, and the girl flaked out on him. Would have been a first date.

So, we cuddled up and watched a movie, and I thought everything was okay.
A few hours later, I notice it's late, he has to work in the morning, but he's on the other side of the room, super quiet, still on his computer. I asked him if he was okay, what was wrong, if I had done something, etc, and got a bunch of "I don't know"s.
That's frustrating. I can't hold that against him, though, really. I have all kinds of problems communicating, and a lot of the time he doesn't get much more than that from me until I am well past ready to talk.
But. He's not usually like that. And he was like that.. for a few hours last night.

I just let him know I was available to talk, even if it was other girls that were upsetting him.

Right before he went to bed, I asked him if any of it was something I had done, and he said "It's okay."

"It's okay" was not helpful, and led me to believe I had done something wrong, but I have no idea what.
(So after typing all this out, I recall after he told me his date had been cancelled, that the girl had flaked out on him, that he had his hand in the area of his man-bits, and this made me uncomfortable, so I moved his hand because we were cuddling. I think this may have upset him; he said it was something like swatting the hand of a child. It was bothering me because I was still in "He's going out with another girl tonight" head-space and it was making me uncomfortable. I realize this was pretty rude, now. I thought I had apologized for it last night, but I'm starting to think I just thought about it repeatedly and never did. Maybe that's part of the problem.)

Today we were texting while he was on lunch, and he opened up a tiny bit.
Told me it was flaky girls, finances, and some other things getting him down.
He did ask me why I would think it's something I did, and why I'd be upset about it now, but that doesn't help me at all as sometimes he asks me why or whether I think he should be upset when he already is.

He got home from work, put away some groceries he'd picked up, got on the computer for a while, came over and gave me a hug and kiss, then went to bed.
Rather, went to lay down. He doesn't sleep for long this early in the evening.

He's still feeling down, and I don't know what to do aside from waiting for him to come to me. He said maybe he needs to go out for a bit, or go to the gym. I guess maybe he just needs some time alone. It worries me, though. The last time he was this down that I am aware of was because someone he knew died suddenly. He was back to normal in a day or two, but he at least talked to me about that.

So I'm at a loss.
He doesn't like me worrying about our finances, because it stresses me out hardcore when I do, so I let him deal with it all, and I just hand in the rent and remind him when my phone bill is due since he pays that since I stay home with the baby. So we don't really talk about that.

We don't usually talk about the girls he dates because the topic is not a pleasant one for me, though I've been more inquisitive the last couple days, thinking maybe it would help since I've been pretty down lately. It did help a bit. I haven't been as negative about everything as I was. The world seems less dark and threatening, and a little more neutral, though it takes a lot of self-assuring thoughts which are not my strong point; I'm very much a pessimist.
It's a wonder we get along, I think. He's usually such an optimist.

I don't know what "other things" are, so I have no idea if we've talked about them or not. Other things could be me, how down I've been the last couple of weeks, could be the state of the apartment, could be work, could be politics, could be a show getting cancelled, or a product discontinued, or missing family and friends, or any number of things I might have no clue about.

But I would think we could talk about those things?
So I'm wondering if the main thing is the girls.
I just don't know how to talk to him about that.
I just told him I would, that I would listen, no matter what the subject, because I hurt when he hurts, and I worry about him, and I just want to help. :-/

I'm all kinds of open to suggestions from people who have experience in this arena.
Bonus points if you're a mono who is also uncomfortable talking to your partner about your partner's other partners. ._.
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dating issues, mono / poly

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