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  #101  
Old 09-22-2012, 05:26 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Ivan Coyote (a butch lesbian) talking about femme lesbians. Really, explains a lot. Plus she is a great writer - check out her work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q7Iz...ature=youtu.be
That was really cool.
I'm not attracted to butch women sexually or physically (since, you know, I like guys), but I always seem to be attracted to them intellectually. Probably because we seem to have a lot in common. Well, not sexuality if they're gay, which a bunch of them are, but other than that, I feel myself attracted to them in a "want to be friend" kind of way.

It's hard sometimes though to know if someone is a butch woman or a trans guy and how they want to be treated.
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  #102  
Old 09-23-2012, 03:01 AM
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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I have a couple questions for NYCindie, if you don't mind:

You said you wouldn't want someone who is specifically (or only) attracted to plus-size women, because that would be a fetish, someone objectifying you for being plus-sized. But how is that different from someone just having a preference for a particular body type?
Well, someone can have a preference without it being a fetish. I think of a fetish as something you can't live without, and that you won't consider any other possibilities. Like that guy I saw on Strange Sex (tv show) who can only get off when his sex play involves balloons. There are guys who will only go out with superfat women - they look for only fat women and will not pursue any other kind of body type (don't get me started on feederism). It's like, the fact that the woman is fat is the only reason they want to be with them. Which is just the same as only seeking models or rich guys, and writing off anyone who isn't that.

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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Is that different from someone with a preference for femme lesbians, or for men with big cocks, or for boyish-looking men, or...? I mean, ideally, everyone would be attracted to personalities and be able to see past physical characteristics, but there's a strong physical component to sex & attraction, and people have their preferences, stuff that just turns them on.
I see a preference as something that isn't as set in stone as a fetish - for example, I prefer dark-haired guys but will and have dated fair-haired.

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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Another question: how would you feel if a man you were already involved with confessed that he is bi? (Or that he wants to have, or has already had, same-sex experiences?) I doubt you would stop liking him. It sounds like mainly, that when a potential interest of yours turns out to be bi, you use that a process of elimination not to pursue him. Would it be different if it was someone you knew well and/or someone who really liked you? Would you want to work past your preferences in that case?

Just curious. This stuff is all way more complicated than it appears!
I have been with a man who had had sex with men a few times in his life, that didn't matter. But I think if a guy told me he was bisexual after we started going out, I don't know how I'd react. If it was something he was keeping from me for a long time, I'd probably see that as a negative. It was something he discovers while we're together, I might stay or I might start emotionally pulling away because my attraction to him would lessen. As it is now, I just don't find myself attracted to bi men.


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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Lately I've been trying to learn more about my own preferences and figure out if men can be sexually compatible with me without being the type of people who radiate sexual energy at all. (Since there must be men who are dominant in bed but don't exude it out of every pore, like men who are introverted or reserved in public, etc).

And then there's also smell and pheromones as markers of attraction. That's not something I have any control over. I have never met a woman who exuded the chemical smell that I am attracted to.
Attraction does not conform to logic. There are chemical reactions, pheromones, etc., and then there is the questions we ask ourselves about whether someone is a good potential mate. Neither one is necessarily logical. Once, many years ago, I was attracted to a guy whom I thought was handsome. We went to dinner and he bent his head down and I saw plugs. I was instantly no longer attracted to him. Now, did I make up my mind beforehand that I would never date or be attracted to a guy who'd had a hair transplant? No, but the attraction died instantly when I saw his plugs. No way did I want to run my hands through that hair.

If I was attracted to someone whose life goals would be to travel the globe in a sailboat for months at a time, and I was a homebody who knew I'd just spend most of our relationship pining and worrying and missing him, I would not consider him an ideal mate. I would then disengage emotionally and eventually be less attracted to him. I've never been the type to hold onto an attraction or long for someone who would be impractical or to impossible to be with.

For whatever reasons, in my mind, a bi guy is not my ideal mate. I am straight and am into straight guys, and somehow in my mind I associate a man's attraction to women as being a masculine trait, and attraction to men as being less so. I don't know where that came from. I suspect it has to do with my sense of femininity and self-worth being tangled up in how attractive to men I am. If a guy is into guys,I don't believe he will validate my sense of who I am in relation to men, as well as a straight guy would. I am not attracted to a guy who is bi. I have dated guys I was not attracted to before, so I'm not saying I would never be with one, it isn't a fetish. But I'm just talking about what I consider attractive and that isn't a logical decision, it just is.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-23-2012 at 03:48 AM.
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  #103  
Old 09-23-2012, 10:48 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Thanks for your reply, NYCindie. Makes sense!
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  #104  
Old 09-24-2012, 01:54 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I wonder if "polysexual" could mean that you're mainly attracted to multiple people, and/or that you feel a strong desire to be with two people at once, such as someone who prefers to have sex with a couple?

(I'm just imagining here, I don't really know what it means to identify as polysexual).
My husband identifies as polysexual. All it means is that he doesn't think you should have to only have sex with the same person every time, that variety is the spice of life. However, he is not polyamorous: he simply cannot be bothered with the trials and tribulations of more than one romantic partner at a time.

Relationships take work. Lots of work. Work is hard. Casual sex is relatively easy. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Don't call me in the morning.

It's got nothing to do with a preference for threesomes, which he does not have. Too much work to keep everyone satisfied. He likes to focus on his sexual partners when he's with them.

I don't know what it would mean to be "mainly attracted to multiple people." You see a gorgeous girl, but you're not attracted to her until she's standing beside another gorgeous girl?
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  #105  
Old 09-24-2012, 02:48 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Homophobia is when you discriminate against non-hetero people as friends, co-workers, employees, check-out clerks... In other words, relationships that have nothing to do with your own sexuality. But people are free to choose any and every restriction when it comes to who they date.

I am inclined to say that nyc's attitude is, indeed, prejudiced and discriminatory. I'm also inclined to say, so what? We all exercise discrimination when we date, or else we would all be dating every person we meet. I don't mean the usual ad homonym fallacy of using two definitions for discrimination. I mean we all reject some potential mates based on arbitrary criteria. Literally, we discriminate against them.

It just so happens that discrimination due to sexual orientation is a hot topic these days. But remember to keep it in context. It's not like she's saying she won't sit next to bisexuals at the movie theatre. She's saying that there's "something" about bisexuals that just makes her clit stop throbbing.

Long story short, no one has the right to tell anyone else who they must date. You can disagree with her preference 'til the cows come home, tell her she's got bad taste, tell her she's fickle, whatever. But I wouldn't call her homophobic, anymore than I would call a lesbian heterophobic if she won't sleep with bisexual women.
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  #106  
Old 09-24-2012, 03:05 AM
Tinkerbrat Tinkerbrat is offline
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I agree. I guess I descriminate because I'm only interested in bisexual partners. I already have the men in my life. But if for some reason I was looking I would only be looking for bisexual men. Its not that straight men can't be sexually satisfying, I have had some great sex in the past with straight guys. Its just that now I have figured out I need certain extras to really round things out.

I think figuring these things out is part of our journey and what makes us each unique. And it is also what keeps the pool of potential partners a little more even. I have effectively left part of the population open for those who are looking for that. And I am not wasting time or emotions on someone who isn't going to fit long term....

I would never descriminate based on sexual preference. I think we are all able to find friendships that work in our lives and would hate to miss out on a great friend because they were straight or a different nationality.
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  #107  
Old 09-24-2012, 11:10 AM
Papillon Papillon is offline
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Originally Posted by MusicalRose View Post
What is it about the term heteroflexible that doesn't sit well with you? I'm curious because it was a label I thought of applying to myself for quite a while and it is a term that I think both of the legs of my V like to use. They do not play with each other, but they are both comfortable having threesomes with me and get turned on by the element of watching me with another man. They have also had passing interest in/experimentation with guys but mostly aren't attracted to them.
To clarify, I don't have any objection to the term when other people use it to describe themselves. I just don't feel it describes me accurately. It appears to mean basically straight but with a willingness to experiment a bit on a purely sexual level...and even if I don't feel 'fully' bi, I feel more bi than that.

It's about using it for me personally, not the term itself.
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  #108  
Old 09-24-2012, 07:32 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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Alright, that is fair. I'm always curious to see the various nuances that people perceive when they hear certain words.
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  #109  
Old 09-25-2012, 12:01 AM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
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If I were to disregard the whole "hetero/homo" issue, I'd be comfortable describing myself as heteroflexible.
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  #110  
Old 09-26-2012, 01:47 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post

I am inclined to say that nyc's attitude is, indeed, prejudiced and discriminatory. I'm also inclined to say, so what? We all exercise discrimination when we date, or else we would all be dating every person we meet. .......
It's not like she's saying she won't sit next to bisexuals at the movie theatre. She's saying that there's "something" about bisexuals that just makes her clit stop throbbing.

Long story short, no one has the right to tell anyone else who they must date. You can disagree with her preference 'til the cows come home, tell her she's got bad taste, tell her she's fickle, whatever. But I wouldn't call her homophobic, anymore than I would call a lesbian heterophobic if she won't sleep with bisexual women.
I love the depth of colorful visual from your writing. I concur-we all have our own preferences regarding who we date. It's important to do self-inventory for continued growth-and in doing so we may find that we are struggling with some sort of prejudice or bias that is affecting our "attraction".
BUT no one else can do self inventory for another person-and we have no business trying.
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