"You aren't my type, or are you?"
Introduction: My wife has had a poly mindset for years. We have been together for 2 years, married for 1. I have always thought in the mono way. I told my wife when she first explained her polyness to me that I wouldn't have another person in the relationship. I just didn't trust another man to have the same morals or ethics as me or to keep her best interests in mind. I believed that if she were not allowed to have another partner, then I was also not allowed to have someone else.
I have been opening up to the idea for the last 2 years though, thinking more about it, and coming to a realization that it was ok for us. I know my wife and I are going to stick things out in the worst of times and even find happiness during these bad patches, which will make the best of times much sweeter.
This will consist of three things:
- a semi-long explanation of the events covering the last few months of my life.
- my thoughts on how they seem to be.
-lastly, I will open the floor to get different people's perspectives on what the situation seems like to them.
With that being said the names I will give to everyone in the situation are:
Me = Me
TM=my male friend
***BTW these are not initials, just a reference point.***
TM is a guy that I work with. Out of the small group of people at work, TM is the only person that has the same core values that I have. We are both married, happy, and we are not cheating on our wives. We have all been hanging out with each other in a group setting. He and I spend most of our time at work. HT and DM hang out watching AM together as well as having almost daily girl time. HT developed a liking for TM very soon emotionally. It was nice for her to spend time with him. DM told HT about a smaller level of liking for me, finding me attractive, but too dominant for her.
Fast forward 2 months… HT tries to put little ideas out there about me liking DM and telling her "you can have him anytime you want." I was anxious about how things would play out. Over the following weeks, HT put more information out there to DM and I do not believe that it was well-received.
One night, we stayed at their house. AM had been put to bed. TM went to bed. HT, DM, and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie. HT started a conversation… "You know he likes you."
DM said that she had talked to TM about everything over the past few days, he didn't like the idea of DM dating me, and she also added "You really aren't my type."
I talked to TM about it the next day. His only response was "It's cool. If I got mad about every guy that liked DM, I wouldn't have any friends." We let things go back to normal, and we have all been great since.
Lately, DM has made quite a few comments to HT about me being great with AM and helping out with the “parent like stuff“. She also made comments about enjoying the attention I give to her.
At this point, HT and I decided to take a break from the D/s dynamic of our relationship, focus on just being us individually, and finding what we needed in the form of D/s. Over this short time, it has let DM see
who I am without the dominance and control I have over HT. Her eyes shine in a different light when looking at me. She goes out of her way to "let" me smell her perfume, and she always asks to smell my cologne (the four of us have been buying so many new sprays and scents because of each other).
About a week ago, DM was out of the room. I was in the bathroom, and overheard HT saying to TM "He wants to be on DM's team tonight during the game." Shortly afterwards, we all sat down, DM beside me, and HT beside TM.
The names had not even been drawn yet. TM fiddled with the small box that we draw the names out of for what seemed like a minute or two, more than enough time to be sneaky about it, then TM put the pieces of paper on the table in front of DM folded up very small, not revealing even the slightest part of the name. He read the teams. Guess what happened… TM read off DM and I, and DM read off HT and TM.
During the game, there were multiple times I had my feet under my chair. DM "rested" her feet on the side of my chair. I felt her toes curling and VERY slightly she placed her toes on the back of my feet. The second time she did it was certainly noticeable, but when I looked over, she didn’t turn her head to acknowledge that I knew she was touching me. It happened for about 5 minutes the first time. The second time it was for a good 15 minutes or so. She touched her foot to the back of mine significantly more forcefully this time.
DM made a point to whisper to me about a game move the other team made. She put her mouth close to my ear, almost touching it with her lips. When I whispered to her during the game about another move, she put her ear even closer to my lips than my ear was to her lips. During the last few minutes of the game, in desperation it seemed, she put her legs up under the table slightly touching her leg to mine. After about ten seconds it became apparent she was doing it on purpose. If I were on a rolling chair, I would have moved back about a foot. Still, no acknowledgement that I knew she was touching me. HT and TM won the game. They make a killer team for game nights. HT and I said good night to the both of them, and went home.
A few days later, I drove HT over to have girl time with DM for my lunch break. TM wasn't there. When walking into the den, HT made a comment about them both wearing the same pants (I bought them for her and for my wife). As HT passed DM, DM lifted her shirt so that her butt was definitely visible. She knew I was looking at both of their pants in the first place. That night, we all had dinner together. DM sat in one of the middle seats. HT's plate was placed at the far side opposite her. I put my drink down beside DM. HT came and sat beside DM, so when I came back into the room DM said "So you don't want to sit beside me, huh?" in a condescending tone.
I know that AM is foremost in the minds of TM and DM. DM also has beliefs that she has been raised up with that tell her not to have a relationship outside of her marriage. She is worried, as HT and I can tell,
about TM being OK with anything outside of friendship happening.
Now for my thoughts on the matter:
Things were rushed at first with HT pushing a conversation so soon about the matter, and all hands being played openly. I didn't really believe DM at the time when she said "You're really not my type," because the way it was said was not genuine at all. From everything I have witnessed, she is being openly forward and flirty even in front of TM, who doesn't seem to have a problem with it, and even went so far as to be sneaky and sabotage the name drawing.(HT asked him about it a few days ago, and he gave a "No I didn't" even though he had his lying face on.)
The lifting of the back of DM's shirt, the hint of "Oh, you don't want to sit by me?" and the subtle game of footsie she played with me, coupled with the saying of "It is nice having your husband around to pay attention to me," tell me that she is challenging her views in her own mind and seeing where things might lead. I have never in my life been in a situation like this. While reading a single person comes easy to me, reading a couple is quite hard. At work and hanging out after of work, TM seems just fine with me, so I am not really worried about anything negative coming from him. I do worry, however, that he is just totally oblivious to it all and doesn't realize blatant signs of flirting and things of that nature, because he doesn't pick up on the subtle things people do or say.
I just want some general opinions of how you all perceive this situation. Do you think that.
1) She knows that I consider it being flirty when she does the things I have mentioned, and
2) He knows about her being flirty and interested in me as more than a friend.
…and any other tips and bits of info you may be able to share. I apologize for the length.