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  #11  
Old 09-12-2012, 09:28 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I've never been in a triad but I can tell you without hesitation that one of my ultimate pet peeves is when a partner decides that they know better than I do what I can and cannot handle. I find that so very insulting and it pisses me off to no end to think that someone thinks they have to walk on eggshells around me or sugar-coat things so I can deal with it. It feels like a big "fuck you" to be considered less than an equal partner in having pertinent information and making decisions. But, as GalaGirl said, it is clear that this "protection" of K was only formulated with G's selfish motive in mind - she's obviously not wanting to deal with any possible fallout - while you use it as an excuse to not make waves, or some reason I can't really fathom.

My vote: Come clean now and apologize for keeping secrets.
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #12  
Old 09-12-2012, 10:36 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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Well, I told G I wanted the info disclosed, she gave her blessing that I could tell it, and I am going to let her tell her side to K on her own time. Email sent, cat's out of the bag. Will let you know how it pans out.

Thanks to all of you for bringing me back to earth. I agree, I'd want to know if I were a third. I just wasn't sure if there was a school of thought where thirds prefer DADT... I suppose cheating wouldn't be one of those things no matter what, in poly. Hah.
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  #13  
Old 09-13-2012, 12:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I just wasn't sure if there was a school of thought where thirds prefer DADT... I suppose cheating wouldn't be one of those things no matter what, in poly. Hah.
You have to ASK the third when you are setting up / starting out the relationship if they want a DADT agreement or not.

Whether or not there is a school of thought -- who cares? If YOUR PARTNER does not subscribe to that school of thought what difference does it make? You are in relationship with your partner, not with a school of thought.

If you ASK your partner about it?

If they literally want DADT on everything? That's ostrich. They do not want responsibility for their own well being, and are shooshing it all on me. It's fear based operation -- and honestly? I can't hack being with a fearful partner who wants ME to bear all the emotional safety/health responsibility for me, partner, and our relationship. I have to be mind reader-ing their wants and needs and limits all the time? Ugh. That's not partner. That's me carrying them.

I could see "DADT except for .... (list of things.) Alert me on those." I had similar with then FWB (now DH) for the first year of our relationship because I needed a little emotional space before being willing to share my emotional bucket and hear about his and agreeing to sign up to help tend his as a partner, and agreeing to let him tend some of mine as a partner. For a time -- it can work. Forever? I'm not sure. In my experience -- I would not want that long term.

But if you DADT without talking to partner first, without coming to that agreement together? That is not a DADT agreement between you.

That is keeping information from your partner.

AKA -- lies of omission.

Good on you for coming clean -- will hope for the best!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-13-2012 at 02:12 PM.
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  #14  
Old 09-20-2012, 05:30 PM
StrayKitten StrayKitten is offline
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So... I'm the "hinge" in a V, but I would *absolutely* tell either of my partners if (when) I have had trouble. It only seems fair to say "hey, this happened, I had a blah week" or "I need an evening alone to just deal with the turmoil that x caused".

And seriously, not telling K is doing her a disservice. She should be able to make her own choices in this situation.

As for whether you ask G to tell her first? I would tell her that you're going to have that conversation with K, and if she wants to tell her her side first, that's fine, but that it's going to happen either way.

Best of luck!
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  #15  
Old 09-21-2012, 07:40 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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Hi guys!!

Thanks again for all your input. I agreed then that she should know. I could definitely see that if I were her, I'd want to know. So I had no business participating in the holding back of info.

K's response was a mix of all of yours and the one I was most afraid of (that being, her not wanting to know about or be involved in the drama at all, that telling her was going to bring her into something she wasn't interested in being a part of, which would have been a grave concern of its own, but I digress).

Here's an outline of her response:

- Appreciated being brought into the loop
- Understood why we didn't tell her at bootcamp, and appreciated that, since it was a high-stress situation
- Did not appreciate / made her feel shitty that we didn't tell her right away after she got out of bootcamp (we waited a week or so to tell her)
- Was sad to hear there was trust broken in a relationship that used to have so much trust (this is sad for all of us)
- Wanted to know how/if it changed our desire to be with her (it does not)
- Said she's still nuts about us and will continue to be in our lives if we want her to be (duh)
- But that what happens between G and I is ultimately for G and I to sort out
- And she cares about is and is here for us no matter what.


Pretty much the best possible outcome, I think. And G laid down her arms to be honest, sort of... she DID insist I be the one to break the news. Which is better, I think, but still pretty avoid-y. I was fair, true to the story, and let her have space to add her side, and she was fair about that as well.

So now all three of us know all of the things again! And we're much happier for it. Honestly you guys, I feel 100 pounds lighter. I even feel better about the overall cheating scars. Like, I feel closer to healing, just having looped K in. Her response was so reassuring for me (and I think G too) to show us that even though this one part of our polyship failed, the other part is still growing in positive ways. And I think it was good for G to see that being honest with a partner doesn't automatically incur a breakup/emotional disaster.

Obviously, there is a lot of work left to do. But I feel good about it. Thanks again for all of your help, you guys are really amazing. There should be a forum like this for everything in life! (But then I'd just spend my life in forums all day, hah.)
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  #16  
Old 09-21-2012, 07:43 PM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StrayKitten View Post
As for whether you ask G to tell her first? I would tell her that you're going to have that conversation with K, and if she wants to tell her her side first, that's fine, but that it's going to happen either way.
This is pretty much exactly how it went, haha.
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  #17  
Old 09-21-2012, 08:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
So now all three of us know all of the things again! And we're much happier for it. Honestly you guys, I feel 100 pounds lighter. I even feel better about the overall cheating scars. Like, I feel closer to healing, just having looped K in. Her response was so reassuring for me (and I think G too) to show us that even though this one part of our polyship failed, the other part is still growing in positive ways. And I think it was good for G to see that being honest with a partner doesn't automatically incur a breakup/emotional disaster.

Obviously, there is a lot of work left to do. But I feel good about it.
Yay! Moving it forward! Vulnerable Shared, conflict faced. Polyship dealing with it, learning new things.

See? Ethics.

Much cleaner/lighter all around.

Even if the outcome was not as promising, knowing you did the ethical thing would have been balm to the soul.

Good for you!

GG
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