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Old 12-13-2009, 05:02 PM
msadams msadams is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: LA - NYC
Posts: 14
Default New To Poly with Husband - Seeking Advice

Hello,

This is going to be a long post. First and foremost I very much appreciate you taking the time to read this. I would like to ask your opinion or thoughts on my current situation. I am open minded.

History.
Husband and myself have been together for 6 years, coming up on being married for 2 years. I am in my late 20's, he in his late 30's. We have been in poly relationships and poly households prior to our relationship, but have been monogamous with each other from the beginning.

Our Relationship.
  • We started Monogamous off camera, mutually consented to by both of us.
  • We are both on camera sex performers
  • We have been monogamous off camera for 6 years
  • Husband cheated on me night before wedding 2 years ago and has had a history of internet relationships not consensually negotiated with me.
  • We went to relationship counseling and resolved infidelity issue.
  • We had more problems. I left marriage in April of this year.
  • Went back to counseling and mended our marriage. We are back together and doing well and strong.
  • Husband started courting girl in August.
  • Husband is now seeing girl off camera.

In October we petitioned to work at a new production company and have been under extreme stress since October. Very little sleep, privacy, and emotional intimacy due to our work and temporary living conditions. I am not doing well with the new partner concept. I cry a lot. I try to do my best and keep an open mind about it, but it hurts a lot that he wants to be with someone else. With the stress of our working environment and my self esteem issues, I feel that I am very jealous, scared because of our history, and feel like he is being selfish, especially since he has decided to not be here for Christmas... but I know that he loves me.

Since we both have careers in front of the camera doing adult work, I don't have any problems with him engaging talent. He can do whatever he wants and I have no problems, hurt, or second thoughts as long as it is in front of the camera. The same goes for me when I do on camera work. We have been working in front of the camera for over 9 years.

I can't really wrap my head around off camera emotional intimacy. I don't know what that makes me. I just dropped him off at the airport so he can go be with the girl for two weeks and I just don't know what to do with myself.

Fear of loss, emotional pain, sadness, grief, resentment, anger. These are honestly the emotions I am experiencing right now. I want him to be happy and I understand that each and every relationship is in a constant state of transition. I also understand that I cannot inhibit his personal growth, but this really hurts. I don't know how to positively channel my grief and self esteem.

I understand also that he deserves the right to be happy... but at what cost to me?

Any input is appreciated.

Thank you for your time.
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