The only advice I have is that you two might want to start a blog here and talk to each other in it. That way, you can read each other's posts and other people can give you their input.
The reason I say that is because I'm getting the sense that both of you communicate more effectively in writing and when you know other people are watching. It looks like you both understand a lot about what's going on and may just need a reality check occasionally. This is quite common on this forum and elsewhere - partners finding it easy to say to strangers things they can't seem to do privately with each other.
That is the impression I have gathered after reading both of your posts. If you don't like what I have to say or think it doesn't apply to you, then just ignore it.