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  #1  
Old 09-18-2012, 12:39 PM
Koala Koala is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Default Hello and starting with a problem

Hi everyone,I`ve been reading this forum for some time now and Iīve finally decided to post as well
I`m a young woman from Switzerland,but I currently live in Spain. So as English isnīt my native language sorry in advance for any mistakes I may commit.
I`ve been reading about polyamory quite a bit and I really like the idea. Itīs been interesting too to talk about it with my boyfriend. Weīve decided to go step by step as new problems or questions arise. For now I`m really happy that we are so open to each other,that we can flirt a little bit with other people without it being a problem and that we are able to tell each other when we see someone hot So on that front all is well.

But there is a problem for me. I donīt know if anyone can help with it,I think it`s more a need for me to talk about this since itīs hurt me a bit. There is a guy I really like on the same forum me and my boyfriend use. Iīve known him for quite a while now, but we were always friends or just people who got along well.
But since about July we are talking much more and I really see him as a good friend. He is also a friend of my boyfriend and we all get on great. We still havenīt been able to see each other in real life yet because he lives far away,but we are planning to do so.
I started to notice that I really liked him very much and I feel itīs something more than just friendship. But I canīt tell what it is exactly yet because it doesnīt seem to be very sexual either. I think us meeting will really help with that.
Now to the problem xD He likes an other girl, which he also has got to know on the same forum. The problem is that she is only 15 years old while heīs 25 years old. She also lives in Argentine, so there isnīt any chance for them to meet, I think. She is also not very mature and downright manipulative and he is a person who is manipulated very easily. So my boyfriend and I talked to him about it,because we are worried it will all end badly and heīll suffer a lot because he tends to do that.
We werenīt in any way telling him what to do, just expressing our worries. He told her and the next day she wrote my boyfriend very angry and attacked me with something mine quite personal.
I had told the boy (Iīll call him Billy) what I felt for him and that I was a bit confused. I also told him that I had talked about this with my boyfriend because I want to be sincere with him and that he was the only person apart from us who knew.
It turns out he told her everything and I felt hurt because he hadnīt told me so. Am I right about this? I feel that if I would have known he would tell her I hadn`t told him so many things so much in detail. I donīt trust the other girl because she is manipulative and I wouldnīt want her to know personal things about me,because as I thought, she used it to hurt me.
I am quite disappointed with the whole situation,because I feel she can do anything and he wonīt even tell her anything about her behavior. I feel that he treated me like shit in this whole thing,he basically almost ignored me, I was telling him that I felt bad because of the whole thing and that of course it was also to do with me being very sensitive. I wasnīt holding him responsible for my bad feelings, I just needed some reassurance and some nice words. And he didnīt seem to care.

Am I overly sensitive here? Or is it normal to feel like he doesnīt treat me carefully?

Sorry for this long text, I needed to write it all down

Thanks for any opinions.
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  #2  
Old 09-18-2012, 09:01 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Koala,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like this guy is quite taken with this girl from Argentina, and probably caught up in NRE (New Relationship Energy), which could be clouding his judgment. For this reason, he may not be paying as much attention to your wants or needs.

You shouldn't feel like you regret communicating, because you have to communicate to get anywhere in a relationship, and usually more communication is better than less. For example, it's better to tell the other person exactly what you want or need them to do, rather than hope they'll care enough about you to figure it out. It's better to just come right out and say it.

It's not necessarily bad to tell him you're hurt, but try to do so without placing blame. It may even be wise to take a step back from the situation, and let him figure out what he wants while you figure out what you can live with. Obviously he wants this other girl in his life, so is that something you can live with? or is it a dealbreaker? That's something to mull over.

I don't blame you for feeling hurt, I would feel hurt too if someone attacked me like that. It sounds like a touchy situation.

I hope your time spent on Polyamory.com will be of help to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #3  
Old 09-19-2012, 08:52 AM
Koala Koala is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi Koala,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like this guy is quite taken with this girl from Argentina, and probably caught up in NRE (New Relationship Energy), which could be clouding his judgment. For this reason, he may not be paying as much attention to your wants or needs.

You shouldn't feel like you regret communicating, because you have to communicate to get anywhere in a relationship, and usually more communication is better than less. For example, it's better to tell the other person exactly what you want or need them to do, rather than hope they'll care enough about you to figure it out. It's better to just come right out and say it.

It's not necessarily bad to tell him you're hurt, but try to do so without placing blame. It may even be wise to take a step back from the situation, and let him figure out what he wants while you figure out what you can live with. Obviously he wants this other girl in his life, so is that something you can live with? or is it a dealbreaker? That's something to mull over.

I don't blame you for feeling hurt, I would feel hurt too if someone attacked me like that. It sounds like a touchy situation.

I hope your time spent on Polyamory.com will be of help to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thanks a lot for your answer

We talked about it the day before yesterday,but had to stop because he was meeting with some friends. Yesterday he didnīt want to talk about it and said we should just let the whole thing go. But I told him that while I was happy to let things go,I first needed to talk about them.
So we had a talk and that helped me a lot. Itīs not that I need THE SOLUTION to everything,I just want to express my feelings and hear his. He normally doesnīt talk a lot about these things,so I posed him some questions as to make it easier. I just needed to know how he felt about everything,if he told her something afterward and so on.
I also talked about something which had me feeling bad for some time now. I told him to no feel that it was his fault,that in fact it was mine for not speaking up earlier. When he broke up with his ex I was trying to help him a lot,but truth is,I wasnīt very well either because of some questions related to my studies. I mentioned this once to him but he seemed to ignore it so I left it at that. And now he seemed to do the same again so I spoke to him about it.
He says that he has some difficulties picking up on these things so weīve come to the conclusion that if I am feeling bad and wanting to talk about it I`ll make it very very clear.

As you see, communication is still going strong I canīt hide my feelings really so itīs inevitable for me xD I do worry a bit though,because he will still tell her my things as he says he trusts her. Well I do NOT. And I think I`ve been proven right and itīs only a matter of time for the next drama. As I said,she is manipulative and not really emotionally stable so this united to the f the nature of the relationship (very long distance,wonīt be able to see each other,sheīs only 15 years old) which will almost certainly end badly rather sooner than later...well I worry about this. But I canīt exactly tell him not to tell her my personal stuff,can I?


And a little rant apart: God,that girl really said sorry....in a private message to my boyfriend. Yeah okay,she wasnīt exactly pleasant to my boyfriend but hell,in this message she says that she really wanted to hurt me because she knew he would tell me. Then why not send me a message too? I can't stand people who donīt have the balls to talk straight to the person theyīve been meaning to talk to.
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