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  #31  
Old 09-15-2012, 05:37 PM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Well ... it seems pretty unanimous, doesn't it? Who am I to argue with all of you!

I guess I felt like they were relatively small slip ups, but if I'm honest with myself, the feelings behind them aren't small at all, and do need to be brought into the open.

I suppose that it is time to test if I'm correct in feeling that my husband won't over-react to this news. Although I can't ask him to keep our secret, I do hope that he does for L's family's sake ....

Funnily enough, I can imagine him and L having a chat about all this. I hope I'm right.

I do consider myself an ethical person, and the in-congruence between what I've done and what I've said has been bothering me somewhat. I guess there's only one choice ....

R is off fishing today, and I'm going to dinner with L's partner tonight. L is off camping. This is going to get interesting...
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  #32  
Old 09-15-2012, 05:51 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayehare View Post
I guess I felt like they were relatively small slip ups, but if I'm honest with myself, the feelings behind them aren't small at all, and do need to be brought into the open.
This is how I kept myself from telling the truth years ago... and then a good friend of mine said that if they really are small, there should be no problem talking about them, right? The fact that I wasn't meant they weren't really small at all, in my mind...
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  #33  
Old 09-16-2012, 12:24 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Like Ciel, I too used thise same excuses. One thing poly will drive you to, is a deeper understanding of the truth, the real truth. Not the partial truth we have been taught to tolerate.
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  #34  
Old 09-16-2012, 07:18 AM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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You guys are great ... But I'm still a but terrified of the sense that I'm opening Pandora's box. I suppose we could argue that I opened it months ago ... But it still seems a bit more immediate now.

So, I need a little time. We have houseguests for another three days, and I do want to give L the heads up.

But since I've thought about coming clean, the truth of my duplicity is so much more present, I was out with L's partner tonight, and I so wanted to somehow let her know that I lcare so much for her and never wanted to hurt her ... And that I hope some day she'll forgive me ... If she will, there's hope...

I'll keep you posted. The truth, in this smalllllll town is about to come out!
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  #35  
Old 09-16-2012, 03:43 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I don't know how good a friends the 2 guys are but have factored in the betrayal element within that relationship.

This could be a bump in a marriage that ends up having a great out come. His excitement at the thought of you being with another man could the tip of an adventure for you both. However not wanting to know and being excited seems opposite. But maybe he's been thinking/ wanting to open up for yrs this will be a great outcome for you both.


If he does struggle with the news perhaps some counseling to allow him a person to talk to without risking the whole town.

Invite him here as well


Good luck D
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  #36  
Old 09-17-2012, 10:36 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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I don't really have much of anything to add to the excellent advice that you have already been given in this thread.

I do empathize with you as two years ago I found myself in almost exactly the same situation. I was cheating on my husband with his best friend - although no actual sex was involved. I had convinced myself that MrS wanted a DADT policy and was convincing enough that Dude almost believed me (even if he didn't agree - he was always a proponent of full disclosure).

You can read about my experience in my blog here (the "Journey" link in my sig). (The JACKASS part starts around message 21 with the preamble in message 19). Although I haven't finished the story there I can tell you that it does, so far, have a happy ending. MrS, Dude, and I have been living as a cohabitating Vee for 17 months now - and things are going well (which, at one point, didn't seem like even a remote possibility - I am, however, the LUCKIEST girl on the planet...)

Good Luck.

Jane("Trying-to-never-be-a-jackass-again")Q
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  #37  
Old 09-18-2012, 08:50 PM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Backslide ....

Had a long conversation with L yesterday, in person, and told him I needed to come clean with R. He was scared, but not angry, supportive even. Although, the first thing he said was that there was a 95% chance him and his partner would break up as a result. I did, however, almost get him to a point of understanding that my husband would likely not say anything, so his choice to speak up to his partner would still be his.

Then I got a panicked email this morning, and we had another long conversation. I so wanted to stay firm in my position, but I also don't want him to lose everything, and ... he would. I know coming clean is still the right thing to do, it's still what I want to do for me personally - but as they say, there's the right thing to do, and then there's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to protect L. And our community of friends, everything we've built here.

For now.

I know it will likely all come out at one point, and it will be worse. I tried to convince L of that, but he feels like he needs to risk that right now. By the end of the conversation he was looking to going to see a counsellor to figure out how he can get him and his relationship to a stronger point. I strongly encouraged that.

I know I'm selling myself short, and I know this isn't what I want to do. I know I'm protecting him because I still have feelings for him, and it protects a lot for me too. He knows he's asking me to compromise my very sense of self, but my whole family isn't on the line. When I think of his daughter, and what this would do to her, it just doesn't seem right or fair.

Can I live with this? Right now, yes, I feel like I can. Will I feel this way tomorrow? Probably not. But is coming clean about my own sense of integrity, or is about still wanting L and wanting to force the issue? Is it about being truthful, or seeing how my husband reacts to the reality of me being with someone else, knowledge he said he didn't want to know. Is it worth repairing this crack in the foundation of my otherwise strong relationship, when it would demolish L's whole house and take half the community with it?

I can't justify not coming clean. I know it's wrong, I know that. And one day I will come clean, and hope that my husband understands that I didn't sooner only because it would have destroyed L's family. My only solace is L's promise that he's going to work to make his relationship better and begin to work on himself too. I hope he comes to a point where he can see that there is no other way to restore honesty and trust in a relationship than to be honest and prove yourself trustworthy. Then we can both face the music, without me feeling like the asshole that forced the issue for him when he wasn't able to cope and when he was pretty much guaranteed to lose it all.

I know ....
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  #38  
Old 09-18-2012, 08:51 PM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post

You can read about my experience in my blog here (the "Journey" link in my sig). (The JACKASS part starts around message 21 with the preamble in message 19).
Thanks Jane, I'm going to read your story, and hopefully learn from it ...
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  #39  
Old 09-18-2012, 09:01 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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feel free to read through ours as well-its linked in my signature-and some is on here as well in the blogs page.
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  #40  
Old 09-18-2012, 09:55 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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There's a couple of confusing statements. He's excited by the thought of you being with other men but doesn't want to know. You're fairly sure that upon learning of this he will ....a. understand and b. will exercise discretion and keep this with in the three of you.

So with that being the case what's the risk for him ( bf) if you decide to do whats right for your marriage?

In effect if this continues and comes out down the road your response to your husband will be ......I wanted to come clean sooner but ( bf ) relationship ...his life is more important then ours. That's the possible backlash. You might want to get the "not wanting to know " more rigidly nailed down....and get that on the record. Because making sure worst case scenario's don't happen in your bf life might have really bad consequences in your own marriage.

I see this type of logical having a compounding effect.
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