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Old 09-18-2012, 09:09 AM
polyscared polyscared is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3
Exclamation Badly need advice - HELP

Hi,

I need help, well, advice. I need a non-poly neutral unbiased opinion of my situation.

Here's why...

I am a 33 year old male. I met my wife when we were 14 and have been together ever since we were 15. We were, and have always been, the only people we've ever been with. We started a business together 10 years ago and have lived together, worked together, ate together, and basically been together 24/7 for the past 12 of the 17 years we've been together. Oddly enough we just got married 5 only years ago. We've never known anything else but each other.

We've always had a great relationship with great communication, but as life presents its drama, and as our roles of husband and wife turn into "business partners" and responsibility sharers in our personal life, we took each other for granted. I personally have been struggling with stress and loss of sexual appetite for the past year and a half. She's "missed me" she said.

Well in the middle of this my best friend moved out of state. Many of my other close friends had kids (we don't have any) or moved on. This only made me even more unhappy. I would be fun to be around in public, but when we got home we didn't have much to give to each other I guess (especially me). We fell into a rut I guess you can say.

The end of last year she met a girl that became her best friend. They moved very quickly. This girl was the needle in a haystack to either wedge between us, or make us stronger (I'll let you decide in the end).

My wife is 31, and her best friend is 26, her friend is high energy, optimistic, down for anything, and has very little drama. She is a lot of the person my wife has missed in me. It does help that she still lives at home, she has no bills (so all of her money is disposable), has next to no responsibilities, and smokes pot the moment anything difficult to deal with presents itself—and I only say that to point out that she avoids having to “deal” with any real emotions at all cost—her smoking pot doesn’t bother me in the least. (Another thing my wife and I never tried until after we met this girl—pot) She's not a deep person at all and she is VERY guarded with sharing her feelings. She has no experience or skill at expressing herself. She really struggles with it. All this said, she's incredibly infectious, you can't help but love her, and she's "intriguing”, and adorable. Very adorable.

When she first entered our life she was very flirty with me. She made me feel incredible. She always made me feel good about me; smiling all the time at me, touches, compliments, open flirtation and energetic hugs with affectionate tenderness sprinkled in. It was felt more towards me than towards my wife initially. At this point however, I was not attracted to her, I did not have feelings for her, I just thought she was wonderful to be around and made me feel great about me...In a time where I have been the lowest I think I've been, she was making me feel great about myself, and I found myself unknowingly just wanting to be around her. The fact of the matter was though that she was my wife's new best friend, so I tried to give them space while they were here at our house.

Once again, this girl came into our life at the end of last year... Flash forward to May of this year and I am flat out in love. I have the world’s biggest crush on my wife's best friend! I cannot stop thinking about her. I go to sleep thinking about her and I wake up thinking about her--it's a beast that consumes me. For the next month and a half I am talking to MY best friend who moved away trying to cope with these feelings. I am not myself, I am quiet, I am jealous of her time with my wife that I don't get--I am obsessed with this girl. As bad as it can possibly get, for the first time ever in my life, that's where I am at.

In the middle of my insane obsession over this girl, she is pulling more and more away from me. Not talking to me as much and more importantly, she's mostly stopped any flirting or attention of the kind towards me. This, of course, only makes me obsess more. It's like a drug that has been taken away. I spend 2 hours every day talking to my best friend (god bless his patience) for weeks trying to get over this girl. I can't be around her, I can't see her with other people (I get jealous), it's very bad.

It's now spilling into my relationship with my wife, I can't stop but be "down" or worse, angry, every time we see her or sometimes just randomly when I'm thinking about her. I am completely in love with this girl. And like I said, this mad crush started at the very beginning of May.

Flash forward to mid-June...

By now other people have seen how close my wife and her new best friend have gotten. My best friend has asked me if there's maybe something "more than friends" about their relationship. My brother and his wife, who have both seen the two of them together, said that they seem like there is more going on than "just friends". My brother is so convinced in fact that he insists that I make sure. I am completely oblivious; I am still consumed by my own feelings for my wife's best friend that I must have been blind.

The affair revealed...

In mid-June I see intense romantic text conversations between them on my wife's phone. They are talking about sexual experiences they've had, they are telling each other how much they love each other. It's a full on romantic relationship. My estimation based on texts is that it has been going on since February or possibly earlier, but at least for 5 months now (they've only known each other for 8 at this point). I am devastated. I am devastated in both ways that I personally longed for that type of relationship myself with her, and that my wife had an affair. Worse yet, my wife deletes the texts shortly after I read them in hopes that I never got the chance to read them before she could destroy the evidence.

(continued in next post…)

Last edited by polyscared; 09-18-2012 at 03:32 PM.
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