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  #1471  
Old 09-18-2012, 03:09 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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'Burlesque Mayhem' would be an AWESOME band name.
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  #1472  
Old 09-18-2012, 03:54 PM
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I have a week of burlesque mayhem going on . . .
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'Burlesque Mayhem' would be an AWESOME band name.
Oh, RP, you and your fellow burlesque performers should tour North America as Burlesque Mayhem and put on shows!!!!
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  #1473  
Old 09-19-2012, 09:44 PM
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Funny you should say that because I was asked to join a troupe that's starting up and they are looking for a name. Burlesque mayhem would be a good name for a troupe too!

I spent a good deal of time with Mono this weekend. We do well together when we have long periods of time together. Its something we have very rarely had, but we become, well, very mono with each other. This past weekend was no different. We went to a four day music festival and saw a ton of bands we like in concert. A rare treat.

Apart from the wonderful time together we had there was a night of fighting. He told me his female friend had a new friend she was going to movies with and spending time with. I asked him how he felt about it and he shrugged it off. I could see there was more going on than a shrug off so I asked if he was sad, regretful that he hadn't worked with me about spending time with her, disappointed, angry. He said something along the lines of it not being worth the effort it would take to process and that it required too much work and he doesn't like work. Everything with me is work. I took this personally that I had made it that way and that if I had only been able to shut up and suck it up, he would be able to spend time with her.

The conversation hurt and he and I ended up not talking to each other for the last half of the band we were watching. Later, I remembered our discussion about my not seeing everything as his not loving me and that he isn't going to leave and I told him I decided to drop the whole thing. I wasn't going to let his words make me feel hurt. I realized he was doing his sabotage routine where-by he creates moments to make me doubt he cares and so I feel like dumping him and leaving. I told him I wouldn't do that and that I wasn't going to put up with that and wouldn't let him make me feel that way with his words. He agreed, he was doing the sabotage thing again and once we established that, we both were on the same page again. After that we were okay again.

Its fear that creates this behaviour for him. Right now there is a lot of fear for him. Fear of what will happen next in his life. The closer he gets to retiring from the navy, the more fear.

Last week I had my first sex date night with Brad. We had played a bit and had been doing some stuff, but not to the extent of having some time and a bedroom! We had his boy for the night and after he was in bed we went to the spare bedroom at his house. It was lovely and long over due, ...but the condom came off. We immediately stopped and accessed (again, as we keep up to date often) where we were at with tests and where our fluid bonded partners were at with test. All good... There are no outstanding concerns. It wasn't a matter of pregnancy either.

My biggest concern, and the one that completely wrecked the mood, was how my other partners would react. Last time that happened (four years ago) they freaked out as I didn't say anything until later and there was much more risk. I told them all right away and to my relief they were all thankful I had spoken up, and weren't too concerned once I explained the circumstance. Derby asked me how I was doing with it and I was grateful she asked. It was touching that she empathized with how I would feel.

Big Libra time coming up for me. Three Libra loves in one month of birthdays. I'm hosting a birthday party for libra's and taking Brad and Derby out to events. Mono got his present early, in the form of a belt he really wanted fixed. I will do something special for him with our family though too.
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  #1474  
Old 09-19-2012, 10:10 PM
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My biggest concern, and the one that completely wrecked the mood, was how my other partners would react. Last time that happened (four years ago) they freaked out as I didn't say anything until later and there was much more risk. I told them all right away and to my relief they were all thankful I had spoken up, and weren't too concerned once I explained the circumstance. Derby asked me how I was doing with it and I was grateful she asked. It was touching that she empathized with how I would feel.
That is cool, life is great with such understanding people around you.
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  #1475  
Old 09-20-2012, 12:08 AM
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He said something along the lines of it not being worth the effort it would take to process and that it required too much work and he doesn't like work. Everything with me is work. I took this personally that I had made it that way and that if I had only been able to shut up and suck it up, he would be able to spend time with her.
Most of the men I have been involved with are like this. I have been told that if a topic has been addressed once, why do we need to keep revisiting it? Any kind of processing and talking about things again and again is too much, it seems. Ahh, it's frustrating to me when I have to pull back and leave things alone, but it's also been a good lesson.

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Last week I had my first sex date night with Brad . . . the condom came off. We immediately stopped and accessed (again, as we keep up to date often) where we were at with tests and where our fluid bonded partners were at with test. All good... There are no outstanding concerns.
Okay, I'm just wondering - after stopping and assessing the situation, he just put on another condom and you continued, right? I mean, I don't see why that would have to kill the mood, it's just something that happens sometimes. I'm not even sure I would tell other lovers that a condom came off unless the guy came while it wasn't on him. Oh, is that what happened? I'm only asking because I am really curious how other people handle these things.
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  #1476  
Old 09-20-2012, 12:44 AM
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Thanks for the responses. NYC- I haven't been accustom to men who don't enjoy processing. Its a learning curve for me for sure. a big one.

I was concerned because the wife he is fluid bonded with has a permiscuous boyfriend. She hadn't been tested since entering his life and I didn't know where he was at with that either. Turns out that Brad had been tested (I knew he had been) after the last time the wife had sex with the bf... About 6 weeks a month ago. He was fine. No concerns.

I wasn't too concerned except for the reaction I got last time from my other loves. Remember way back when I was just seeing Mono and him and PN had a really hard time with a condom breaking during sex with a bf that I didn't know anything about sexually? Anyway, I thought their reaction would be similar. It wasn't. Thankfully... Largely because I crossed my "T's" and dotted my "I's" this time as best as I could. Stopping right away helped with that security also.

We were just getting over my telling him the story and beginning to cuddle up again when his boy woke up and I had to go home... So no, no more lovin'
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-20-2012 at 01:03 AM.
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  #1477  
Old 09-24-2012, 07:49 PM
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A reminder to myself about who I think I am;

Sometimes I catch myself standing in the middle of my life rooted in the realization that I have taken on more than most. Most days I live one moment at a time and don't allow myself to think of anything but balancing time, energy, giving of love to others, actively listening to others and remaining in a position of trusting the lack of control I have.

I give everything to my partners and son and have a titch left for work, family and the very few friends I have. Mostly I just exist outside of my chosen family. I'm present but refuse responsibility for any relationship beyond what is in front of me. At least I try to be like that, but often think of others and give of myself regardless.

I have firm boundaries and a strong sense of who I am, what I can manage and what I value. I'm open to change and growth I think although it sometimes takes a brick up side my head about something to get me to notice that maybe I should look at myself. For this reason I prefer radically honest yet kind people who show me they love me by telling me the truth in as kind and compassionate a way possible. I don't have time to waste on wondering if I can trust someone and wondering what they are trying to say by trying to read between the lines. I prefer to get to the bottom of issues before the misconception and assumptions set in. After that, I find that nothing gets solved completely.

I tend to think that people want and strive to make positive and loving change, growth and energy in the world and I often realize I am extremely na´ve about this. It isn't true, yet I hold on to it as my largest faith in humans.

The combination in a person of wanting to make positive and loving change, growth and energy in the world and being radically honest in the truth they speak yet remaining kind and compassionate is often irresistible to me. It has to be genuine though. Flakes are easy for me to spot and if there isn't an edge that makes them human then I just don't but it. Someone that is too "soft" makes me think that they are hiding hidden anger issues.
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-25-2012 at 05:30 AM. Reason: just more to say.
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  #1478  
Old 09-24-2012, 08:08 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Resonation.

Wow, this last post really resonated with me. Especially paragraph three and four.... feel very similarly in my own life. Love your posts.
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  #1479  
Old 09-25-2012, 05:31 AM
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Thanks BP
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Old 09-25-2012, 06:12 AM
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The weekend was a wash of burlesque and my brother being in town mostly. That and a wonderful date to a local park for a hike and then dinner...

I came out to my brother about the burlesque. Well, his partner anyway and then him. She wanted to know if they could crash at our place while they were in town and I had to tell her that I had a show the night of her wanting to stay over. No biggy, they came to the show! It was a strange sight to look out over the crowd and see my baby brother though. Not overly comfortable, but I just ignored it and carried on. He saw a number that was more funny than sexy. Thank goodness.

Brad came to see my show for the first time too. He sat behind my brother, his partner and Mono. I'm not sure why he sat alone. It seemed odd to me but after the show we met up with Derby and a large group of friends including Brad's wife, and the man I have been chatting with often that Leo's wife used to date and he seemed to socialize well with everyone there.

Leo's wifes ex and I have become friends and it was great that he and his wife came over along with the others. He and I have an on going casual friendship that is just pleasant and relaxed. No drama and no expectations.

Derby had her last bout of the season on Saturday and I directed everyone to see her that night. There is always burlesque. There isn't always derby. Now the season is done I will invite people to see the next big show I'm in for Halloween. I have a show in between, but that is the biggy.

So everyone came over to Mono's house and we partied until 2. It was the second night in a row for Mono and I and we were in the groove. The night before had been a party for our monogamous friends and the night had been just that... monogamous (whatever that means... after years of poly I can actually sense a difference).

The party was a poly pile up. Complete with newbies and many metamours and loves. Just the way I like it. Mono commented after that he had enjoyed himself and thought that our new group of friends suited him and us more than the poly friends of the past. It does seem to be the beginning of a new era of poly friends. One that is well needed. There are some straggling old poly friends, but I feel as if there is a fresh start somehow.

My brother and PN came down to meet everyone and socialized for a while, but went up to bed after an hour. It was great to fall into bed after a large martini; dirty and wet and a large take out poutine (French Canadian dish made of french fries, gravy and cheese curds . Fucking awesome!). I was content. Satisfied.

Sunday I went for a hike with Brad after picking all the rest of the apples off our tree. It was the fourth tree of fruit to pick this summer and I was glad to finally give it a rest and give all the fruit away. The garden wasn't that great this year. The flowers were, but the veg sucked. It just wasn't warm and sunny enough at the right time. Damned island weather.

Brad and I hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks and it was great to catch up and get all our stories out. We lay in a large grassy field for a time and sat by the ocean. It was a moment I won't easily forget. It was the moment where I realized that there is really no going back and that I am not scared any more. I have full trust of the situation and my lack of control in it. It was a good feeling to just be myself and be content that the others were as satisfied as I could possibly help make them.

Four partners is really too many. It really is. I don't suggest it. I don't know how I am managing and I don't think I give any relationship all I could if there were less, but I carry on and give as much as I can. Sometimes I want to hide and pretend its just me to think about. Maybe I will take a break sometimes and do just that, but when I feel I have caught up with one I remind myself of the perceived neglect of another. I flit from one relationship to another all the while never feeling as if I have caught up or been able to give as much as I would of liked to of.

Brad and I talked at dinner about how one knows that a person is partner-worthy. I decided that if I could imagine going on an vacation with someone where we would spend a lot of down time together, just sitting and staring quietly in the comfort of the others presence, then they are worth looking at for a partner. Small talk and having the need to entertain someone, to me, indicates friendship.

Silence and solitude with very little going on is a huge leap for me from daily life. I don't adjust easily and I need to feel safe to go through that with someone. It would make me so vulnerable and so much a part of myself that isn't visible to many that I would have to trust deeply. Turning extroversion into introversion is a vulnerable thing. I don't do that with anyone except those I love and trust the most.... ahhhh, a vacation like that with any of my loves fills my heart with glee. I really do think that I couldn't do without any of the four.

...............................

Mono's friend is off again and won't be seeing her until December. Maybe not again for longer than that. He admitted last week that things have changed between them and that he hasn't given her the friendship he promised. He felt that he had backed away and that he had not lived up to the agreement he made to not do that. She, in turn, has backed away also. although I still see a heck of a lot of posting back and forth on fb and notice occasionally when she writes him on fb. What "backing away" means I don't really understand. Changed feelings I think.

I was surprised he told me all the info he did actually. I don't hear about her often and I think I might of even asked to get that much out of him. He likes to be private, but is beginning to tell me when people flirt with him and what happens when they do. He has a large number of followers and he loves to be admired. He's a charming man and very funny. I know that he gets lots of attention that I don't know about and I feel far more comfortable knowing about it. I ask questions so as to understand better though and he thinks that I am feeling threatened. Really I am just curious and trying to sort out how I feel about certain people propositioning my man. Ha! I'm just not used to it. Even if its likely been going on for some time without my knowing.

We have been fighting more often lately on stupid little things that run away with us. I worry about it a bit due to his opening up emotionally a bit more about the woman etc. and the awkwardness of this new feeling of knowing more personal stuff about him, but I blow it off and make jokes about it. I don't think I will feel comfortable until after he finishes work for good and is settled into his new routine. All of us are waiting for that. The whole house at this point.
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