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  #11  
Old 09-11-2012, 11:50 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by lolalondon View Post
don't others get worried about not being shiny new exciting fucktoy any more?
I suppose people are more likely to worry about that if they think sex is what the relationship is about, and forget they have value outside of their desire as a sexual partner. I imagine in a casual relationship, I might worry about that because if that's the reason I'm in that relationship, sure, if the sexual energy disappears, then the relationship probably isn't going to continue.
With a relationship you feel is mostly happy and compatible in all the other aspects - financial, domestic, friendship - it is hopefully easier to not let one thing shifting for a bit make you stress it means the end. Sometimes its hard to keep the big picture in mind, I know I'm guilty of it, but like you see, if you forget it and panic, it throws your partner for a loop too when they see you reacting with fear, and that usually causes more bumps than are warranted.
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  #12  
Old 09-11-2012, 11:53 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I think some of my issue is that in two other LTR I had the sex essentially fizzled out. In the first case it was me who lost interest, in the second case it was him. But perhaps I'm overly cautions in thinking that once something shifts it's the beginning of an inevitable decline.
I don't use the words "primaries/secondaries."

I wonder if perhaps some of your stuff isn't not just about the ghosts of exes coloring your expectations of current lover...

but that heirarchy model being like a thorn in your side stirring up anxious? Having to compete for attentions or primary positioning?

Quote:
So when the intensity and frequency of BDSM for us decreased I immediately assumed it was the beginning of the end of kink for us, panicked and became demanding, etc. etc.... of course, as soon as I relaxed he started topping happily again, I guess I just made him lose confidence?
That sounds like you are going thru withdrawal to me.

If your early days were chronic hits of the hormone highs, and then you get to a more calm pattern -- you aren't getting the hits.

You sure this isn't moody from subdrop?

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I thought there would be more people directing sexual energy away from the relationship but seems like even after many years people still direct it mostly towards their primaries... though I wonder if that's always the case? I know I do, but don't others get worried about not being shiny new exciting fucktoy any more?
No. Why would I direct away from it?

And if you know YOU direct your energies toward your primary -- why all this worry about what other people are doing? What needs validating or affirming for you? What are you afraid you are missing out on?

No, I don't worry about not being a shiny new toy to him any more. I like being OLD shiny toy better.

There isn't as much "weather reporting" because he knows me and all my tells already. It's a smoother ride, it's a more intense ride, it's a longer ride.

You can get some nice chords and phrases sometimes with a new partner. And learning to make beautiful music together is a fun process of discovery.

But oh, with an old lover? That knows you well? You can run through flawless symphonies! It's another kind of rush.

GG
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  #13  
Old 09-12-2012, 09:03 PM
lolalondon lolalondon is offline
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^ I hear you, but it's just how it is, we're both very much each other's primaries, we're always looking out for each other, and even if it's a security blanket it seems to work well. The hierarchy thing is not a concern for me because we're both secure with that. I am not naturally poly - more of a swinger at heart, happy to share sexual energy but not interested in more than one committed relationship. I've left it to him to pursue his own rships and I relaxed nearly all the "rules" we had (now that I feel more secure) but he also seems to prefer one main relationship. So, because of spending most of our free time together and being each other's main emotional anchor it just seems to work this way for now. I am aware this could change, letting go of certainty has been a liberating thing for an over-analyser like me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
No, I don't worry about not being a shiny new toy to him any more. I like being OLD shiny toy better.

There isn't as much "weather reporting" because he knows me and all my tells already. It's a smoother ride, it's a more intense ride, it's a longer ride.

You can get some nice chords and phrases sometimes with a new partner. And learning to make beautiful music together is a fun process of discovery.

But oh, with an old lover? That knows you well? You can run through flawless symphonies! It's another kind of rush.

GG
I thought this was beautiful
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  #14  
Old 09-14-2012, 12:44 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?

I'd have to say it waxes and wanes, though Runic Wolf and I have only gotten serious about kink with each other in the last few years. For the first decade of our relationship, he thought I was only trying to humor him. It actually took me being kinky with Wendigo to get him to see that I'm kinky in my own right.

Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them and away from the primary relationship?

I'm not sure what you mean by more extreme sexual behavior; please explain.

Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?

For me the more sex I have, the more I want.

If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?


Runic Wolf's restriction is that Wendigo and I can't do anything that would necessitate a trip to the ER, but that applies to himself as well.


Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner you crave and hasn’t happened in a while? Do you talk about it, and how do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business because every relationship is different, and you’re glad he’s having fun?


I have recently discovered that I don't get jealous; I get envious if my partners are giving someone else something I'm craving - even if it's something as simple as cuddling with a platonic friend when we haven't been able to cuddle in a while. I've learned that if i don't tell them I need something, they aren't necessarily going to know to give it to me. But generally speaking, my partners don't do anything sexually with other people that they don't do with me or if they do, it is something that I don't want to do or something I can't provide.

Last edited by BrigidsDaughter; 09-14-2012 at 02:13 AM.
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  #15  
Old 09-14-2012, 12:55 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am aware this could change, letting go of certainty has been a liberating thing for an over-analyser like me!
Sounds like an overall good thing then?

GG
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  #16  
Old 09-17-2012, 12:39 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?

I am not the kinky one in my longest term relationship (my husband is kinky but mono) BUT I am the poly one. My sex life has honestly waned with my husband due to his demands of kink in order to be able to perform sexually. I try and play with him a bit but it is extremely hard for me. We are miss matched in this dept and we have been since day one. But I have been clear on my stance since dating with DH. He thought he could live without kink apparently he can not.

With my boyfriend things get deeper and deeper emotionally and sexually. But he is vanilla like me. We have a very active passionate sex life. Since we have fallen in love the sex has evolved into something amazing.

Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them and away from the primary relationship?

If you are talking about BDSM. No I am so not into BDSM.

Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?

Unfortunately in my case yes. My husband has seriously pushed me away with his BDSM demands. I can not meet his demands. It makes me feel disgusting, dirty, used, and objectified. I wish we could have the type of sex life my bf M and I have. We did years ago when he could meet me halfway and respect my boundaries.

If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?

This doesn't apply to me. If my husband could/would find a play partner as long as he was happy and safe he has my permission to do whatever he wanted.

Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner you crave and hasn’t happened in a while? Do you talk about it, and how do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business because every relationship is different, and you’re glad he’s having fun?

I am sure my husband gets jealous of what I have with M. I do not like share the intimate details of what goes on between M and myself with my husband. I do not want to hurt my husband. He kind of finds it a turn on... I like to treat my relationships are separate but equal.
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  #17  
Old 09-17-2012, 02:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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My husband has seriously pushed me away with his BDSM demands. I can not meet his demands. It makes me feel disgusting, dirty, used, and objectified. I wish we could have the type of sex life my bf M and I have. We did years ago when he could meet me halfway and respect my boundaries.
Ack. I'm sorry to hear this. Good kink should be respectful of boundaries!
I am sorry you are feeling yucky.

You don't have to be into kink at all. You have that right. But just hearing that you tried and ended up feeling like THAT is ugh.

Is he a top? If so I get the vibe he's not a great one if he's making you feel yucky. The top has to play within the bottom's specified arena or it is a no go. If he's a boundary breaker I don't blame you for not wanting to there at all.

Makes my hair stand on end. (and I do like some kink.) Ugh.

Whether kink or poly I wish people would just play honorably with some ethics and respect for their partner(s)!

GG
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  #18  
Old 09-18-2012, 02:05 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Ack. I'm sorry to hear this. Good kink should be respectful of boundaries!
I am sorry you are feeling yucky.

You don't have to be into kink at all. You have that right. But just hearing that you tried and ended up feeling like THAT is ugh.

Is he a top? If so I get the vibe he's not a great one if he's making you feel yucky. The top has to play within the bottom's specified arena or it is a no go. If he's a boundary breaker I don't blame you for not wanting to there at all.

Makes my hair stand on end. (and I do like some kink.) Ugh.

Whether kink or poly I wish people would just play honorably with some ethics and respect for their partner(s)!

GG
GG...

No my husband is a bottom.

I give him credit he has tried. But unfortunately kink is something he can no live without. Which I can understand and have no problem. I just wish he could find a play partner.
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  #19  
Old 09-18-2012, 03:47 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Even a bottom can go too far.

Sigh -- hopefully he will find a play partner and stop pressuring you then.

GG
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  #20  
Old 09-18-2012, 04:14 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by lolalondon View Post
If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?
I find that I can only be kinky with someone I trust absolutely. That means that my kink level will increase as I get closer/cuddly/more intimate. With a new partner, I'll be vanilla. I don't know them enough, I don't trust them enough to be that vulnerable with them, and on the flipside, don't trust that I can deal with them being vulnerable when I don't know enough about them to treat them the way that will be most enjoyable for both of us.


Quote:
Originally Posted by lolalondon View Post
Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them and away from the primary relationship?
No.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lolalondon View Post
Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?
NRE makes me more aroused, more affectionate, and more in love with my existing partner(s). It leads to either more sex or more cuddling, depending on the mood.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lolalondon View Post
If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?
This would be decided on a partner per partner basis. One of us meets someone, is interested in pursuing it, we discuss what would be happening and see if everyone is fine with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lolalondon View Post
If you’re into D/S play, how do you manage this with having an extremely equal relationship in all other ways? Sometimes it’s hard for either of us to let the other take control because we’re so equal in all other arenas, and both extremely independent people… it’s almost like it’s easier with someone you’re not in such a close partnership with, I’m wondering if others can relate.
We're both switches, so we just adapt to one another, which we do in other areas of our lives. It seems very natural to us, one of us will feel very dominant or submissive, the other will fill in the other role. We've never both craved the same position at the same time so far. If we did, I guess we'd find a way to alternate so we both get ours in the end.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lolalondon View Post
Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner you crave and hasn’t happened in a while? Do you talk about it, and how do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business because every relationship is different, and you’re glad he’s having fun?
That has never happened. I think I would probably feel inadequate if he refused me something but did it with someone else, I would think I did something wrong. Then we'd have to discuss it, to see why the situation is different, and if it's something I can change or not. If it is, I would decide based on whether I feel the change is worth the sex act or not.

Actually, after typing this, I guess it has happened. While I was away for six months, he had sex with another woman, which I guess would count as something I craved that hadn't happened in a while. However, I wasn't jealous or upset, as the distance was not his fault and in no way did he reject me or anything like that. I would find it cruel to tell him he can't have sex with others while I'm away, I wouldn't gain anything from it and it would leave both of us bitter.
I was happy he was having fun, and looking forward to being back.
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