I just wanted everyone to know my story. I wrote this blog after a holiday I had with my "lover" at the time.
Now she is my fiancÚ, and we are open to all aspects of it. I'll probably write about how things have changed since then at some point.
so here it is:
The Evolution of Relationships in My Mind
UPDATE: This article has been rewritten and remastered to be an overwhelmingly good read and carries my very soul with it. I hope you enjoy reading it.
Finally, It has come. This is probably the most sought after post I'll ever write. Many have been begging me to write for a long time and I have been putting it off (I'll explain why I was/am putting it off at the end of the post).
My views weren't all that crazy for along time. Up until I met someone that turned my brain upside down and helped me make sense. I'm not going to share where or where I met her, as that might reveal her identity. I'm going to start by going over my views in chronological order, identifying which events shaped my mind and reshaped my views on such issues.
Phase One: Growing Up in Saudi
As you can imagine this part of the story is quite boring. My views on relationships that came from Saudi society are very simple: NONE. MARRIAGE ONLY. However, there was another source of opinions; American TV. We were/are a fairly westernised family. Both my parents' travels have made them culturally aware and fairly open to the outside world. So we had american TV at home. This includes all american day time dramas. So my view from those were fairly traditional, How relationships work, jealousy, hard work, expectations, cheating, longevity, and every other aspect of relationship most people believe. I had minimal interaction with the opposite sex, and when I did it didn't go favourably for me. Interactions left me more confused than I first was. So there was no practical situations where I could test and form my own views.
Phase Two: A Cadet in South Shields
South shields let me test out all the information, impressions, and outlooks that I gained from all that TV. So I was what I thought women wanted and needed. I was an emotional, sensitive, caring, intellectual partner. I proudly wore my heart on my sleeve and left it there for the world to see. I was doing this all through my time in South Shields up until the big heart break happened at which point I realised I knew nothing about women and had no idea how to get one to fall in love with me, or even be attracted to me. This heart break created the need I needed to change and fuelled my next phase.
Phase Two: Being a student in Newcastle
As my life moved onto to Newcastle I got a chance that many other people didn't. I get to reinvent myself and present myself as I had wanted to. I did just that, I presented myself as Uber-friendly, social creature that was easy to talk to, and made everyone feel very comfortable. Fresher's week was my first dabble in women. For those not in the know, freshers week was the first week of term where the university has a huge week long event. They take students from all years into their voluntary employ. During the days the older students took the newer ones to different activities and tours of the city. During the night time, every night is as messy and huge as it gets in the town. They take It is an entire week of mayhem and getting to know random people that you barely know and get to know them. This was a week I ,now, describe as "all you needed to pull was the ability to lean over". So I fell into that kind of mentality. One night stands, getting wrecked and talking AT women, not with. and practically no emotion or return business. For me, this suited me nicely. I got the excited of meeting new people every time and explored different opportunities. I did not spend enough time to get bored with them (that's a good thing, I get bored quickly).
So as time went along I started getting more comfortable with my craft and getting to know myself better and better. I had been with a number of one night stands and was slightly disappointed with the amount of intimacy and its impersonal nature. I found that pulling the friend of a friend made it much more personal and added an element of emotion (not a lot though) so I enjoyed going out with different groups of people that I didn't know for this reason. Also made me enjoy pub crawls as well (created a few of my own).
All the while this was happening I was slowly learning about the art of seduction through the various PUA (pick up artists). I found that there was a community of devoted men who turned cruising for women a science in and of itself. There was a vast array of knowledge, insight, techniques, and meet ups. I didn't join the community very actively, mainly because my objective was different than most. I wanted to increase my social skills with the bedding of women an added bonus. Whereas everyone else was only interested in the bedding (I'm not saying that bedding wasn't my objective, but gaining more social skills was a top priority for me at the time). So I went through the articles, the examples, the exercises, and everything they required of me. After many failures, I finally succeeded and passed through to what was considered PUA. I looked back at that moment to the work and I realise something. My original intention was the also the resultant of all the other PUA at the beginning. We didn't get women because of we knew some secret knowledge others didn't. We got them because we grew socially. From social outcasts we became leaders of our respective social circles. Over the course of the journey I gained traits without realising it. We were more confident, more eloquent, more engaging, and more personal in out interactions. Something I have kept with me since those days.
Naturally progression got me thinking about the next step. I considered the first traditional option. a committed relationship. I saw the benefits of such an arrangement but felt it wasn't for me. I saw some things I didn't like about them:
The biggest one was the expectations. This was the worst; each person in the relationship had their own expectations and fantasies of what a relationship/significant other was and was in fact imposing it on their partner. "compromise" they called it. Each one was meant to morph his/her personality to fit around what their partners expectations were. Not only that, but the partners were judge, by each other, on how well they fit this fantasy of romance and love aligned who they are.
2) Finite Emotion
It seemed to me that everyone in a relationship was under the assumption that we have a finite amount of emotions to portray. And that these emotions are utterly controlled by the other member of the party. Most of the time not even directly. An example would be if you met someone new (regardless of sex and orientation) the person would get really interested in this person but be wary of their partner's reaction to this new found friendship/ emotion.
3)Who Owns these Emotions
Something I noticed with couple of that type is that the big emotion (love) is owned (if not controlled) by the committed lover. No exploration is allowed or experimenting. Even the love one has for friends of the sex one is not attracted to has to be limited to intimate-less friendships.
More importantly than all of these there was a committal issue that prevented me from committing myself to someone for the long term; I'm going to end up going back to Saudi at some point anyway, and growing that attached to someone is out of the question. I believed
it at the time.
The only other traditionally accepted option was "friends with benefits". On paper, it seemed not only feasible, but perfect for someone like me. However, reality wasn't so. It was in fact a predecessor to its more traditional monogamous full fledged relationship. I think mostly because of the expectations that people have about them, and how emotions evolve in such a relationship. Also, jealousy played a dangerous very prominent role in these.