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  #51  
Old 09-16-2012, 04:42 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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And you would think that some people had been on enough poly fora in the past to understand that, wouldn't you?

*hugs*
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  #52  
Old 09-21-2012, 03:43 AM
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Default I aten't dead

If you're the praying kind, please pray I can move forward through my family of origin's problems in a peaceful, calm manner. This is blowing me wide open to growth, but also to pain. I think they go together.

I'm happy with my therapist. I'm discovering support I didn't ever think I'd have. Of course CdM and M are always there (CdM literally by my side, tonight. Poor darling, he's dozing and trying to ice his back).

I wish I had a time machine so I could take all of GalaGirl's blog threads and show my parents good, sensible advice fourteen years ago, when they might have been able to save things. As it is, they've been broken for so long that there truly is no fixing the relationship. When we're good, we're very good... and when we're bad, we're a disaster. I'm mourning the family dynamic, odd as it sounds. It only worked some of the time, but when it worked, I felt so safe. Now I don't. I'm figuring out how to stand on my own two feet and, on bad pain days, my cane! But damn, I wasn't ready! I thought I had time. I lost so many years to the crazy and now...

...and now...

...I can only wonder what Christmas will look like this year. How odd.
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  #53  
Old 09-21-2012, 04:24 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Aw... hang in there! *hug*

It is never easy when parents are having problems. Even as an adult child of theirs it is hard to watch.

My spouse and his siblings are adult children of divorce. While they don't need the parents like child children do -- a divorce still is felt and trickles across all family interactions -- weddings, bdays, grandkid things, etc. All the relationship dynamics change. It's like polymath only you'd call it familymath. The concept is still the same. The network of relationships takes dings on many tiers. Not just the breaking up couple link.

You will grieve. Try to do the self care you need to do for yourself and maintain your separate parent relationships how you need to be.

Will keep you in thoughts and prayers.

hugs again,
GG
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  #54  
Old 09-22-2012, 06:36 AM
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Thanks ever so much, GG. You're right about the grieving. It comes on the heels of some pretty staggering losses (two family members, a close friend, and months of really good writing!) but the more I feel like I'm falling, the more spider-silk shoots out to grab me and anchor me in midair. I'm becoming the center of a web again, one that isn't my blood but loves me just as much.

I miss my dad so much. Now that they've decided to separate and divorce at some point, he's acting as if all the paperwork's gone through, except that when he's gone, he's not at his own apartment or anything. He's out partying. I hope it gets old fast, because I don't recognise this version of him, and I've seen a lot of versions! This one is kinda sad. He's 61 but he seems to think he's 21 again. Nothing against people having fun, but... moderation. Have more than a night or two chilling at home (whatever you call home) per week.

Maybe it's inevitable. His dad was a philanderer and his mother apparently had a husband already. Maybe there's something about us that makes this more likely. Were we all wired for non-monogamy in that line, from Ray and Dorothy on down? What would have happened to me if I hadn't figured myself out? In a decade or three, would I become my own father?

...now I'm curious about the family histories of poly folks!
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  #55  
Old 09-22-2012, 11:31 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I am sorry that you are going through this. My sister is not speaking to me right now because my parents finally got married in July and my mom took my father's last name. Mom had been unhappily married to my sister's father when I brought my parents together for my son's birthday 8 years ago; she left my step father and divorced him shortly there after; and it was very good for everyone except my sister because they had been holding onto a dead marriage for her sake. My sister is 20, but had only just moved out when they got married because she had gotten pregnant her senior year of high school. I can empathise with her pain, I truly can. Yet she won't speak to me because I "took mom away" from her.
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  #56  
Old 09-22-2012, 05:07 PM
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Oof! Oh, that is a tricky situation. At least nobody is actively taking Dad from us but Dad. I too feel for your sister (chaos and then this?!) but if there's one thing I'm learning, it's that people have to be happy or a marriage is worthless to everyone it touches. Mostly I miss Dad being around, which I hope he will work out of his system soon enough! They're both turning into their own people, who they might have been had the marriage been healthy. They can't erase what the last thirty-four years have been, but they can try to move forward.

And are your parents happier now?
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  #57  
Old 09-23-2012, 03:41 AM
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The crazy thing about it, is that I'm the oldest. My grandmother forced my parents to stop seeing each other by my first birthday and arranged for my mom to marry her best friend's son instead of my dad. Their marriage was 31 years overdue. Even my step dad and his new girlfriend were for it. My mom had started emotionally distancing herself from my step dad and was thinking about divorce when I was 10 when she accidentally got pregnant with my sister on our family vacation. She decided to stay for my sister and brothers. I grew up w/o my dad with a step dad who was emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive, but my sister was too young to remember that. What she remembers is her dad spoiling her trying to buy her love and her getting to stay with mom while I went to college, got married, and started my own family.

And yes, both my parents and my step dad and his new girlfriend are much happier now. My sister unfriended my parents on facebook and her dad when he took my parent's side. But she still talks to them, relies on them to watch my niece when her and her boyfriend or my nieces biological father are working. She likes my dad, lived with him and my mom for 2 years before they decided to get married, but it was the name change that hurt her the most I think.
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