Part 2 of 2.
"I am thinking about doing X. Is that ok with you? How would you feel about that? I'm not sure if that's what I want to do."And your people pleaser guy goes "Aw, I perceive you to be stuck and not sure. And I can do that for ya, babe! There. I solved you not sureness!"
Then later you be cranky? And he goes "What is wrong with trying to make life easier for you?"
I perceive him to be actually asking you "Did I not do the job well? Did I not solve your stuckness-not-sureness problem?" I perceive he wants feedback from you on his job performance. (tho not asking you in a way you can understand).
You try to explain you do not like it because _______.
He KNOWS you did not like it. That is why he is asking your for feedback. But he is not asking you clearly "Ok, that was not it. Can you give me the spec up front please? WHAT is my job?"
You guys end up both derailing and emotional flooding in frustration. Coming sooo close yet so far. Next time don't tell him you do not like it. Try this maybe --
If you did NOT give him specifications all the way across? On you. Own you own baggage there -- learn to communicate more clearly. Hold yourself accountable and tell him you expect HIM to hold you accountable too.
Be clear in your communication. Keep Mr Fixit focused on the job you DO want him to execute.
He's emotionally flooding. Overwhelmed. You are emotionally flooding. Overwhelmed. And now cranky because it feels like he stole your stage, it was supposed to be YOUR support/nurture "There, there hon" time and now you (who are drained) have to tend to his there, there.
Am I right?
We do that here sometimes. We even named it. It's the Pissing Contest. That one I know!
Here I have learned to try minimize Pssing Contest by giving him THAT mission to spec.
"DH! You mission if you choose to accept it:Because in the past I would not clarify my need first and then it would devolved and piss us both off. And Pissing Contests trigger my emotional flooding! Argh.
As for the pissing contest? Used to be like
ME: I hate doing the dishes! Dammit!Result: Mr and Mrs Huffypants each feeling even more underappreciated and stressed out and NOW feeling devalued by partner.
So much nicer when I tell him his mission. The "Your JOB is to there there me at the end of my list. There's 6 things I must air out without interruption!"
Me: ARGH! Stupid shit things! 1) Dishes! 2) Laundry! 3) Bills! 4) PTA madness! 5) My parents! 6) migraine!
Him: There, there. That was a hard day. You did so much. That's a lot to spin all at once. I love you, I appreciate you. There, there. Tomorrow is a new day.
Me: Oh, thank god. It is out off my chest! Thanks. You need a there, there? Your turn.
Him: Do I need a there, there? OMG! 1) Stupid Lawn cinch bugs! 2) Stupid clients at work! 3) Crazy driver on interstate! 4) Missed lunch due to meeting snafu! ARGH! 5) My own migraine
Me: Oh, you had a bad day too. There, there. I appreciate you. Was there NOTHING good/funny today? There, there.
So much better managed when mission is clear and no pissing contest ensues.
I am NOT good at emotional flooding yet. That is a work in progress place for me. I aspire to this place -- where in the head of the moment I could say
"DH! Triggered! I'm flooding. I am spilling my bag and I need to stop to collect my marbles or else you are going to be talking to a crazy lady and you do not want that do you?"It is HARD for me. So I have no suggestions for fitting into a 30 min time frame. For me I had to work on reducing other triggers first like the pissing contest. And growing a longer anger fuse to get me to 60 min time chunk. He can do about 60 min himself. Now it's coping with giving me enough VISUAL cues when I am on the train. We keep trying.
All anyone can do is TRY. Keep trying on your end.
Hang in there!
Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-15-2012 at 05:21 AM.