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  #21  
Old 09-14-2012, 04:30 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hmm, well, if he's explicitly said, multiple times, that he wouldn't want to know, maybe he really means it. I have an obvious strong bias for honesty, for a number of reasons, but there are sometimes nuances.

As for my story, unlike LR's and others whose stories I've read, it didn't go straight from cheating to poly, by any means. I *did* cheat, reveal it, and get forgiven, though, as I said.

Relatively briefly:

Many years ago, I dated Davis. After two years, I slept with an old flame, Ziggy, with whom I was still in love. I told Davis immediately, he was very upset but was willing to move forward together. I had a very rough week deciding what to do -- Ziggy would have been willing to share me, but Davis, who had never even remotely considered the idea of an open relationship, was not. In the end I stayed with Davis for another year, but I pined for Ziggy and our relationship suffered.

Eventually I left, reconnected with Ziggy, and found myself single when that didn't work out. Davis and I remained close friends, then eventually FWBs. I began dating Gia around this time. Davis, one day, suggested that we try a "real" relationship again. I told him that I wouldn't leave Gia, and that he had to decide if he could handle a poly setup. He did a lot of reading and thinking and decided he could. It's been over a year now since he and I have been together again and we've had no problems on the poly front.

A big part of the reason that Davis and I are able to do poly, even though the idea didn't come naturally to him, is that he trusts me completely. Even though I broke his trust in the past, I then looked him straight in the eye and told him, and I know that fact means a lot to him. The knowledge of my infidelity hurt him for a long time, but being deceived in an ongoing way would have been a very different and, I believe, more damaging sort of betrayal.
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  #22  
Old 09-14-2012, 04:34 PM
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I'm not a Christian, much less a Catholic, but I do believe that there's something to the idea that any sin can be forgiven with enough love, but only if you're willing to confess it and ask for absolution, y'know? Just my POV.
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  #23  
Old 09-14-2012, 04:43 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I think what she is saying is that because of the close and historical aspect of their relationship as 2 couples. That telling her husband the truth would most definitely cascade into his spouse finding out one way or another. The unpredictability of the reaction and subsequent actions on the husbands part going forward is the fear not so much for her but for the bf.


Good news, the town folk seems like less of a problem...today anyway.


RE Poly tendencies; I think knowing how you feel or can handle the concept of having multiple romantic relationships is only half of the equation. The other half is the acceptance of your spouse or partner to have the same. So you have to go back to roles reversed situation and not let NRE or the prize on the other side influence your answers because once that door gets opened in hard if not impossible to close. There are plenty of threads here that can attest to that.
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  #24  
Old 09-14-2012, 04:53 PM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I think what she is saying is that because of the close and historical aspect of their relationship as 2 couples. That telling her husband the truth would most definitely cascade into his spouse finding out one way or another. The unpredictability of the reaction and subsequent actions on the husbands part going forward is the fear not so much for her but for the bf.
Exactly! It's a small town, and our friends are all shared and all close. So if I come clean with R, then two things could happen (assuming he's okay with it, which I think he would actually be).
1) He decides to not tell anyone else, and then he's burdened by our secret, and I get to feel better about myself (which doesn't seem fair).
2) He speaks openly about it, and it does immediately cascade into L's relationship, with unknown effects.

If I know my guy, he'd keep it private and be burdened by the knowledge whenever we all hang out, which is fairly frequently. Is that fair to him? Especially when he has said that he wouldn't want to know?

At the same time, I get that if I am to move this into legit poly territory, then honesty about what happened is a must. I just can't get past the feeling that L's relationship couldn't get to the same place - meaning I'd be causing a world of hurt and still wouldn't be able to be with L in any sanctioned way. Is that worth it? Just to be truthful?
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  #25  
Old 09-14-2012, 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Jayehare View Post
I just can't get past the feeling that L's relationship couldn't get to the same place - meaning I'd be causing a world of hurt and still wouldn't be able to be with L in any sanctioned way. Is that worth it? Just to be truthful?
I'm going to be a little blunt here. The thing is, you really aren't concerned about the world of hurt, because at this point, there's no way for people NOT to get hurt. What you are concerned about is if you are honest, then you will lose him.

Give yourself a moment to realize that. The reason you are worried is that his spouse will not be willing to work into a poly relationship where you can still see him. It's okay to be worried about that. It is not okay to continually lie to people you claim to care about in order to mask that worry.

Over and over what hubby and I have discussed was that it wasn't the actual act that bothered him when we started. It was the lying. The consistent lying. That has to stop. Period. People are going to be hurt, yes. You'll have to deal with it. But please do not say that your worry is for him. If you were worried ONLY for him, you would want him to be honest with his wife. You are worried that she will not agree, and you will lose him. Own it. Deal with it.
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  #26  
Old 09-14-2012, 11:54 PM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
You are worried that she will not agree, and you will lose him. Own it. Deal with it.
I'm not worried I'll lose him, as it stands, I already have. My only chance to 'have him' would be to come clean and pursue an up front ploy relationship. I'm worried he'll lose his family if this comes out - access to his daughter, his home, and probably some friends.

I'd lose some friends too, but I'm fairly convinced my relationship would survive. This is where it seems unbalanced.

Of course, if ANYTHING ever happened again, I would come clean, regardless, because we've promised that nothing ever will happen again. If we can't keep that promise (and yes, this is the second time we've made it), then we have to do things differently, and that means being honest and dealing with the mess. He knows this.
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  #27  
Old 09-15-2012, 12:02 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayehare View Post
. . . if I am to move this into legit poly territory, then honesty about what happened is a must.
Isn't honesty a must whether you are poly or mono or whatever? Are you willing to be truthful only if it gets you what you want?

Hey, I grew up in a very small town, I know what they're like, but no matter what environment you're in, you can hold your head up high if you act ethically. Hiding a secret makeout session, furtively lusting after someone in the shadows, and lying by omission isn't really that, is it?

And you can't really just "move this into legit poly territory" by yourself - it seems pretty obvious that a poly arrangement won't happen unless you, hubs, L, and his partner all sit down, in each dyad and together, work it out, and agree to it. Honestly, that could take months or even years for all four of you to get to that point, if ever. Are you going to wait around for that to happen before acting with total honesty? Somehow you are still stuck in fantasy-land, it seems.
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  #28  
Old 09-15-2012, 12:31 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Let me ask the question a different way.
(becuase I had all those same arguments with myself when I cheated and I know the ultimate outcome)

Is your relationship with your husband so meaningless to you-that you are willing to forsake the foundation upon which it is built-in order to protect L?


I say it that way for a reason.
Relationships are built upon trust. EVEN IF HE DOES NOT KNOW IT-you broke that trust. The fact that he doesn't know it, doesn't change the reality of it. There IS a huge crack in the foundation of your relationship now-which means-it's more susceptible to failure.

You can leave it (I did-for years-not pretty) and you may get away with it for a time. But, eventually, the consequences will show.

The problem with that choice is-that each day you allow it to remain hidden-will be another level of resentment built when the truth comes out. So, what may be somewhat easily forgivable now-could end up being too much to overcome later.

As for L-
I do understand some of what you are saying. In our case, my lover had helped ME raise my oldest child and was already close to the middle child (youngest wasn't born yet). My husband DID get violent and LITERALLY tried to kill him the first time.
Coming clean 7 years later, that the affair had continued-risked my lovers LIFE and risked all three children losing him in their lives (the youngest was born by then). The youngest is his BIOLOGICAL child (this was not a secret or part of the affair).
So the risk was HUGE HUGE HUGE.

It did mean putting a lot of responsibility on my husbands shoulders-to make a choice to do the right thing for the kids-and not the right thing for HIMSELF. Which wasn't fair-but it was a consequence of my choice to lie (by having the affair in the first place). I had ALREADY chosen to NOT put the kids welfare first BY HAVING AN AFFAIR-regardless of how discreet.

My husband chose to put the kids first.
Then he changed his mind some... I don't know-100 times? Over a 2.5 year period.
But, in the end, love won out.

We succeeded in putting the past behind us and building a family together (boyfriend included) because ALL THREE OF US took the high road. There were many months of discomfort and torment for my lover and I. The sheer terror of what trigger might send DH through the roof and result in someone being dead. The wondering what was going to happen next or if we could get through it. The months of not touching, not talking, seeing each other every day, day in and day out-but literally not speaking or touching was hell.
But-we did it because those were the steps we needed to take to re-earn trust and prove ourselves changed from the liars we were before.

I used to say that if someone cheated-they should take it to their grave, because confessing was selfish.

The reality is-cheating is selfish. Once you've done it-you already chose to be selfish.

If you found out today that you had HIV/AIDS, would you tell your husband?

WOULD HE WANT YOU TO TELL HIM?

It's no different. You owe it to him to be honest and to give him the respect, honor and privilege he's earned as your husband-to decide how he wants to handle the information.
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  #29  
Old 09-15-2012, 04:52 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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So many good posts in this thread already, and so much good advice.

Your primary goal has to be to do the right thing for yourself. Whatever happens to your other relationships you have to live with yourself. Do you see yourself as an honest and ethical person? Does it bother you when you don't live up to that? If the answers to both of these are "yes" then you need to do what is necessary to be that person again, no matter the consequences. We are all human, we all make mistakes. The key is to recognise them, own them, and make amends for slip-ups and put things in place to make sure that this doesn't happen again.

Assuming that this is important to you, the next important thing in your life is the relationship with someone with whom you made some very solemn promises - your husband. Without acting in a trustworthy way towards him you are putting your promises (and therefore your marriage) in some severe jeopardy. Take care of that next. Deal with whatever consequences are going to come from this, knowing that at least you owned your stuff and lived by your own code of ethics.

Then you can start thinking more about the poly thing. Talk with your husband about it - do some discussions about what he does, and doesn't want to know about. Don't do it in the context of a specific third person, but as an abstract. See if the two of you can come to an agreement about boundaries. If you can, then you are free to explore things in ways where you know that you are living up to your revised wedding vows, and are behaving ethically towards your current relationships.

L's issue with his partner are for him to deal with - you didn't take advantage of him while he was incapacitated - this has been building for a while - he has to own his stuff. As a courtesy you can let him know that you will be telling your husband about what happened - maybe the two of them can have a private talk about it once you have cleared things up between you and your hubby.

But to me that is all future - you have to make sure that the things that are your priorities are straight.

make sense?
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  #30  
Old 09-15-2012, 05:02 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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I will agree with most of the other posters in this topic and say that you definitely need to come clean with your husband. If he seemed at least comfortable with the idea of you having feelings for another person, then a kiss or two probably (although you can never be sure) will not make him fly off the handle. You can probably discuss with him the reasons for keeping it secret from L's wife and see if he is willing to work with you so that L doesn't lose his children or cause a lot of drama for all of you in the community.

But you are poisoning your marriage by continuing to keep this a secret from him. With things like this, the earlier you come clean, the better. There is no benefit to be had from waiting it out, especially as every moment that passes leaves more chance for it to come out on its own and double your husband's hurt when he finds out that not only did you cheat, but you decided to lie to him about it for however long as well.
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