Small Town impossibility?

[nycindie]

I have to admit that I skimmed past the part about your "two other encounters" - so, as Dinged asked, what does that mean -- exactly? Very incriminating that you didn't answer that question! So, if you actually did fuck this guy and only hinted to your hubs that you have feelings for him, without coming clean about what you really did, oh my you are a liar and cheater, too. I was, for some reason, thinking you were only putting L in a position of being the cheater.

**This is me wagging my finger**

I should have read more closely. Yes, you've been acting like an irresponsible teenager and that isn't cute at all. Nor is it poly. You can call it love, but it seems more like willful and childish spoiled behavior, just getting what you want. I suggest re-reading the posts others have contributed - Annabel's suggestions are spot on. You need to stay away from this guy and repair what your betrayal has done to your marriage before going any further into ethical non-monogamy of any sort. There has got to be some issues you weren't looking at for you to act this way. Dig deep and find out what they are, and work toward getting your integrity and self-esteem back by living esteemably from now on.

[Jayehare]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

2

I think you need to tell him the complete truth then he can make an informed decision on what's right for him. After being truthful an honest with your husband and working out the aftermath if there is any .....then you can look to your bf to do the same with his spouse.


Good luck D

thanks for the wake up. As I said above, I wish I had acted with integrity from the beginning. I should be completely honest with my husband, but I know that L would be terrified of me doing that.

This is so silly ... such an old story. I feel like a fool. I never thought I'd be this person...

[Jayehare]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I have to admit that I skimmed past the part about your "two other encounters" - so, as Dinged asked, what does that mean -- exactly? Very incriminating that you didn't answer that question! So, if you actually did fuck this guy and only hinted to your hubs that you have feelings for him, without coming clean about what you really did, oh my you are a liar and cheater, too. I was, for some reason, thinking you were only putting L in a position of being the cheater.

**This is me wagging my finger**

Wag away ... The encounters were kissing and such ... no full on sex. Not that it matters much, shades of gray really.

[Jayehare]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

My suggestions. Deal with things in order. Order of what's your responsibility, order of what could ruin your life if you don't manage it right, what you can theoretically control, and order of importance.
.....

Bottom line, you can't have your cake and eat it too, and the fallout could be so much worse, in so many ways, including perception of you in your small town, if you let self-interest continue to guide you over doing what's fair for all involved.

Good luck!!

I like how harsh everyone is in this forum, and yet so supportive. I need this. Thank you for breaking it down for me, Annabel. I think I was lost in my head and my heart, not accustomed to having feelings for anyone other than my husband, that it all caught me (and L) off guard. We acted before we thought about it, I guess to see if it was real. We haven't slept with each other, I have to say, but the betrayal is the same.

I guess I looked to poly to somehow justify what I was feeling and try to put myself in a different category than your average cheater. But I see now, that while you are all supportive of ethical multiple relationships, what I did was not ethical. I was just your average cheater - in a small town no less.

I am actively not seeing L or even speaking to him right now. I am determined that nothing else will happen. I was holding on to a hope that there was still hope for this to be above board, but I see now that to do that requires coming clean about the past, which would very likely prevent anything of a future for L and I. I won't pretend that doesn't hurt - a lot - but I guess we reap what we sow.

I wonder if I will ever develop feelings for someone else, if I really have poly tendencies, or if this was just a twisted justification for falling for L. I do still adore my husband, and have strong feelings for him, and am still committed.

I guess we will see what the future brings ...

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Jayehare

I should be completely honest with my husband, but I know that L would be terrified of me doing that.

What does that have to do with it? Do you value your marriage or what? It's a little late for L to be terrified, as if he has no responsibility for his actions. Oh my goodness, he needs to grow up too!!!

[AnnabelMore]

If you're capable of loving two people without it diminishing your love for either, you do, in fact, have poly tendencies, it's not a "twisted justification". You just made a mistake. So what if L would be scared? Is your husband a shotgun-wielding hothead? He's been much more understanding than you thought he'd be, he's even shown signs of compersion (positive feelings about your partner feeling love for others, the opposite of jealousy). Why assume he couldn't handle the truth? Isn't that insulting to him? Wouldn't he *want* to know and don't his feelings matter? Won't it be much, much worse if he finds out in some other way (talk about something to be scared of... *that* is a much more explosive scenario in my mind, much harder to get over, and these sorts of things are notorious for coming out one way or another)? What if he somehow finds this very thread?

Food for thought. Moving from cheating to poly is actually not uncommon at all. But it requires a strong base of trust, which means, ironically, revealing that you were untrustworthy in the past. I can't promise it will go well, but as I've said a couple of times now, if you don't do it yourself you choose to live with the specter of it going far worse at a future date not of your choosing. And hey, you haven't had intercourse, which seems to be especially triggering for men in these sorts of situations, so there's that on the side of it potentially going better than you think.

It is, of course, your choice, but wouldn't you rather be the partner he deserves? I myself have cheated, revealed it, and been forgiven, so I know of what I speak. Instead of dwelling on this painful love that you're choosing to assume can't be ethically consummated without even finding out for sure (gotta say, that's the coward's way out, especially if you really do love him), or dwelling on the fact that you did, indeed, make a mistake (who hasn't?)... you could just do the right thing.

[Jayehare]

Thank you Annabel -

My husband has said a couple of times that he wouldn't want to know, but I think that might just be nervous feelings around the whole concept of me being with someone else, since it's not the 'norm'. He has said that he finds the thought of me with another man exciting .... but there is obviously a leap there between being with another man and loving another man that we haven't fully explored. We clearly have a lot of ground work to do between the two of us, I know that.

I so want to go for it, I really do - but as another poster said, it seems like L isn't in a place where he can explore our feelings for each other, so aren't I just causing shit with my own need to go for gold? I know that L being afraid of me saying anything is really not my concern - I have to do what's right for my relationship - but I also want to respect how it may impact his life.

What is your story, Annabel? How did you move from cheating to poly?

[Jayehare]

NYcindie,

I do value my marriage, greatly. And of course we all do need to grow up and take responsibility for our actions, but it isn't always so simple. There are kids involved, and L has made it clear that his relationship isn't that strong right now. He's afraid that his partner (they aren't married, not that that matters much) would take his daughter and prevent him from seeing her and being the father he wants to be. Yeah, I know, he should have thought of that before he and I did what we did, but I've already admitted we made a mistake there.

Coming clean needs to be done carefully and with a full understanding of who's needs are being met by coming clean. Am I doing it so I feel better? Or to move my cause for L and my relationship to be in the open forward? Or am I doing it because people need to know the truth? Even if that truth would hurt? I do think my guy would be able to handle it and forgive me. I'm not certain about L's situation .... and I do care about his situation.

[LovingRadiance]

The behavior-not poly.
My phone-crappy for me typing lomg responses.

My short version-started with an affair.

To you-stop the affair u r in, come clean with hubby, read the story, maybe even together, depends on him, dig deep into yourself to identify the truest form of urself. You may be poly. If so, this is your wake up call.

No more living life 'running on autopilot' (like the majority of people). Now its time to commit to deep honesty with urself and focus on becoming the best gersion of urself-each day.

Its a hard way to start. But the payoff in the end-sublime!!

Good luck!!

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Jayehare

There are kids involved, and L has made it clear that his relationship isn't that strong right now. He's afraid that his partner (they aren't married, not that that matters much) would take his daughter and prevent him from seeing her and being the father he wants to be. . . . I do think my guy would be able to handle it and forgive me. I'm not certain about L's situation .... and I do care about his situation.

Well, if that's his excuse for not being honest, he should've thought about his daughter before playing kissyface with you. But why are you taking on his responsibility instead of your own?

YOU only need to come clean to your husband. You have a commitment to honor. L is responsible to come clean to his partner, and if he doesn't do that, it is not your issue to handle. Yes, you can be concerned about L, but you need to bring your focus back to the person you betrayed! You owe your husband honesty. Have you ever read Journey of the Heart by John Welwood? In it, the author talks about how crucial it is to be fully honest with your partner for intimate relationships to thrive, deepen, and be a source of personal growth. I recommend that book, btw!

Manage your relationship with hubs, and let L manage his relationship with his partner. If he does not want to broach opening up with her, and coming clean about you, then I think it is best you don't see him and risk temptation anymore.