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  #51  
Old 09-13-2012, 07:07 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Lol. That song is in my 'favorites' playlist.
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"Love As Thou Wilt"
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  #52  
Old 09-13-2012, 02:11 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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MY POSITION ON "DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL" (DADT)

This is an excerpt from this thread.

Quote:
Quote:
I just wasn't sure if there was a school of thought where thirds prefer DADT... I suppose cheating wouldn't be one of those things no matter what, in poly. Hah.
You have to ASK the third when you are setting up / starting out the relationship if they want a DADT agreement or not.

Whether or not there is a school of thought -- who cares? If YOUR PARTNER does not subscribe to that school of thought what difference does it make? You are in relationship with your partner, not with a school of thought.

If you ASK your partner about it?

If they literally want DADT on everything? That's ostrich. They do not want responsibility for their own well being, and are shooshing it all on me. It's fear based operation -- and honestly? I can't hack being with a fearful partner who wants ME to bear all the emotional safety/health responsibility for me, partner, and our relationship. I have to be mind reader-ing their wants and needs and limits all the time? Ugh. That's not partner. That's me carrying them.

I could see "DADT except for .... (list of things.) Alert me on those." I had similar with then FWB (now DH) for the first year of our relationship because I needed a little emotional space before being willing to share my emotional bucket and hear about his and agreeing to sign up to help tend his as a partner, and agreeing to let him tend some of mine as a partner. For a time -- it can work. Forever? I'm not sure. In my experience -- I would not want that long term.

But if you DADT without talking to partner first, without coming to that agreement together? That is not a DADT agreement between you.

That is keeping information from your partner.

AKA -- lies of omission.

Good on you for coming clean -- will hope for the best!
Galagirl

I so dislike avoidy. ENGAGE with me. It's ok to be confused, not sure. Just tell me that is where you are AT. Don't NOT talk to me and engage.

I want a partner. Not a baby or a shirker.

Partner? I have a lovely one in DH.

Baby? I have a lovely kid.

So for me to Open and have Another? Well, now. Def NOT a baby or shirker. Def have to be pretty damn stellar and meet a high bar for Jedi Player-ness. AND both DH and I have to be ready or else it is a case of "Right One, but Wrong Time. "

A short time of DADT worked for me and DH back at the beginning when it was FWB. But that was us as two SINGLES coming together.

I've come to realize today that -- you know what? DADT? I'm not sure that flies with me as a MARRIED.

Ethical polyamory done well -- when you are coming at it as a MARRIED? With the goal of a polyfidelitous CLOSED thing once the dating phase is over and you've found your Sweetie(s) and Meta(s) and polysaturation point? When you are seeking MORE commitment to MORE people?

To me that points to moving super slow. I'm not seeking drama or mess or crazy. I'm after the Good Share in the general shape I'm looking for.

Or I don't need to play at all.

It is edge play of the heart. Always. In monoships or polyships -- does not matter.

And sex? Not in it for the sex -- so that can fucking wait to come online.

Totally different order for me than me as a single.

Body --> Mind --> Heart --> Soul was the order for DH when he grew from FWB, BF, to DH and I was a single. We were friends, but hardly BEST friends when we became FWB. He is my best friend now. Some things are earned.

The order for me as a married? With Person X?

Probably more like Mind --> Heart --> Body --> Soul instead. And a long ass time spent in sharing Mind and Heart first -- because I don't need cooties and neither does DH, and if it isn't going to go further after the share of Mind & Heart -- what's wrong with stopping there and leaving it as Close friends?

NOTHING.

People rush. I have no such rush. The biological clock thing is a closed chapter here. I have no rush to find a mate and reproduce or anything like that. It's ALL about the Mind & Heart Share now. Body is fun -- but I have a partner already and I can always masturbate -- I am not LACKING in body things.

Soul -- is content and happy -- this would be taking out to meta wattage if it flies well which has a strong appeal in the right conditions.

But nothing I cannot live with out if the conditions are not right. I don't need to fly in stormy weather.

So it's all about the Share here for me. And I want an extra Good Share or I don't fucking want an extra person!

Ethical Polyamory does NOT equal
  • slutty or promiscuous
  • unable to commit / greedy
  • lacking in good taste
  • lacking in good sense
  • license to behave like an idiot or a barbarian

Ethical Polyamorous partner X will
  • have planning and preparation
  • be in reasonable good health (mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual)
  • have strong character and moral fiber
  • have good self awareness (both strengths and weaknesses)
  • have strong communication skills
  • have strong conflict resolution skills
  • want to be with me and DH in mutually satisfying polyship arrangement. (shape and boundaries of that polyship TBD in trio)
  • will sign up to honor playbook agreements (after given chance to add their own things to it)

Once you sign, you are on the hook.

Can't hack it? Don't play with me then. We can be close friends. I'll still like you a whole lot and love you a whole lot as a close friend.

There's is NOTHING wrong with sharing that with me. I'm Open to that.

Even now while in Closed Polyship of 2 with DH!

(Note to DH: Not like you need it -- but AGAIN. I totally agree AGAIN. Friends for a long ass time first. Ugh. Saves so much headache. )

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-14-2012 at 01:00 AM.
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  #53  
Old 09-13-2012, 10:57 PM
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GG, I just wanted to comment that I really love the way you write and word things. It seems as if you are the kind of person I think I could be (read: I hope I can be) in five or ten years from now.
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  #54  
Old 09-14-2012, 03:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Aw... you flatter me. If I could blush online I would but I can't with our emoticon choices here so I'll just

Thank you for the compliment.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-14-2012 at 04:47 AM.
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  #55  
Old 09-14-2012, 03:50 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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MAKING SPACE: A PRACTICAL EXERCISE IN COMMUNICATION, CONFLICT RESOLUTION, AND TIME MANAGEMENT

Small thought today while working on the chaos that is my home.

I'm doing it because it needs to be done.

I'm doing it because my health can't take it any more -- I need a clean environment. My family needs one. I've hired people to help get this place ship shape again. I have to get a plumber out here for the bathroom -- lots of odds and ends. I'm calling in favors of friends. We eat take out a lot or crockpot so my time is devoted to the all get out clearance of clutter. Fall cleaning with a vengeance.

And you know what?

It occurs to me that in this year of being willing to be Open in Heart and Mind (if not yet in Body and Soul) and discussing all the "what ifs" with DH about opening up later down...

Preparing to open your marriage might mean actually cleaning your closets. Not just the metaphorical closets of your heart, mind, soul, body. But really.

The closets. In your HOUSE.

Not that you'd stuff your OSO into the closet and store them there. But the crap in the closets you don't want to deal with? Deal with it. Clutter pulls from your time management bucket. If we do not have the time to deal in THINGS, that just sit there? What makes us think we have the time to deal in PEOPLE -- who can wither and die inside without tending?

(pause)

Funnily enough DH just wandered in here and commented on how clear the office is was while I was writing the above.

How amazing. Floor is so clear! Then he asks where his stuff on his desk is.
Me: I do not know.

Him: Um. Well, it was actively being used stuff. It would have been nice to have a warning.
I felt my temper start to flare because this house crap is a HUGE trigger for me. My nostrils flared and my right eyebrow shot up.

The entire Brain Board of Trustees shot their one eyebrow up.
MS SARCASM: (tired and dirty form long day of boxes) WTF? I am tired. And I have to magically DIVINE what is his "actively used" things or not in the strata of the home office? Am I his keeper? I have a chaotic house that I cannot maintain on my own as a SAHM. I hate it. It frustrates me. Helllooooo? I want to get it decluttered to where I can keep it up, so I can be doing my job effectively. I cannot keep track of smaller details when I'm the project manager AND serving as crew clearing things. And I didn't even know it was gone til you spoke -- well meaning friends shooshed it.

MS DO NOT FIGHT WITH HUBBY ON DUMB SHIT (punching MS Sarcasm in face) Nope! You do NOT get the mike on this one. Everyone sit on her!
Entire Brain Board of Trustees flings themselves at her.

MS DIPLOMATIC quickly confers with the BOT and they nod the go ahead. Crossing arms and all eyebrow-y while sitting on shouty Ms Sarcasm.

Outer visible me?

I bit my tongue. Took a deep breath. I did NOT cross my arms all defensive. I'm not too sure where the eyebrow went. Because I was concentrating on giving a diplomatic message on the fly.

Ms Diplomatic via Me: Well. I felt I gave enough warning when I announced I have begun a massive and ruthless Boxing of the Crap and I suggested you go rescue things you want to protect.

I am sorry if things got boxed you were not wanting boxed.

You can look through today's boxes in the patio. They are there. They leave tomorrow.


DH: Ok.

I'm not too sure how he feels right now but he walked away. I'll check in on him in a bit.

I don't think either of us is mad. But we're being uber careful around this KNOWN trigger subject.

My temper settled back down.

But here's the rub --

a) DH doesn't usually want to know what my detailed plan of the day is with household things. General announcements seem to suffice for him in the past.

b) I felt I've given ample opportunities to speak up.
  • We had a family planning time earlier this month with calendar and intentions for all of the fall term.
  • I have informed that I now have a storage unit I'm carting this crap to so I can sort in peace over there and not have our home in constant sort-y chaos here. We agreed I do the bulk in on my own during the week, but he has to show up once a week to give feedback on the things I do not understand that are his over there.
  • I have told him several times friends are coming over to help me box this week and again last night.

So I feel I have given plenty heads up there.

c) I cannot mind reader or divine that he was feeling protective about "actively used" things on his desk. There was no note on them saying "Do not touch this desk!"

So...

All I can do is
  • Sympathize he feels whatever he feels.
  • Hold up the limits: I have reached my limit on house crap. Crap must be dealt with!
  • Possible solutions:
    • You let it go and let me just roll how I roll
    • You get proactive and leave notes on things.
    • I stop to do a daily detailed check in for today's game plan AND I add "Is there anything around here I need to protect from massive Boxing of the Crappage and leave in situ?"
    • Some solution DH puts forth.
    • Some mix and match of all the above.


I'm laughing now, because I know he will laugh when he reads this entry.

Same old song, kiddo, different day. This too is part of the ORE dance we do. Spinning double-helix thread of Life Shared.

Mostly because we are weak in not having a clear delineation of house chores at this point nor a method for holding each other objectively accountable. His perceptions and my perceptions are not the same.

We end up doing the pretty bowl/pretty fish thing. And that's a classic us move.

Me: Hey! Look at the pretty fish in the bowl!

Him: Hey! Look at the fish in the pretty bowl!
Ensue quibble.
Me: No! Not the bowl! The fish! The fish! The fish are pretty!

Him: What fish are you babbling about? The bowl! The pretty bowl! Can you not see the pretty bowl?
Actual Fact -- Galagirl and her DH perceive there's some fish inside a bowl here. Prettiness to be determined by eye of the beholder.

It gets really fun when we nested loop ourselves on the bowl/fish thing a few layers deep.
Actual Actual Fact -- Galagirl is writing an example about Galagirl and her DH perceiving there's some fish inside a bowl here. Prettiness to be determined by the eye of the beholder.

Actual Actual Actual Fact -- Galagirl is expressing herself metaphorically in writing about an example about Galagirl and her DH perceiving there's some fish inside a bowl here. Prettiness to be determined by the eye of the beholder.

REAL Actual Actual Actual Fact -- There is no Actual Actual Actual Fact. For all we know it is NOT Galagirl writing this entry at all. The REAL fact is that it could be anyone just signing in as Galagirl. And that person is typing AS IF it were Galagirl expressing herself metaphorically in writing about an example about Galagirl and her DH perceiving there's some fish inside a bowl here. Prettiness to be determined by the eye of the beholder.
Round and round. Til one of us throws in the horse. (Enter Innappropriate Humor Us in Tandem on the Side : A horse?! A horse! My kingdom for a HORSE!)
Me: Enough! We are beating a dead horse!
Him: I agree! It is DEAD alright!
There it can go one of several ways.
  • Back off and agree to regroup and try again later
  • Back off and agree to disagree
  • Laugh because the Thing, whatever it was, is minor and really not all that big a deal
  • Laugh, and perversely carry on flogging the horse.
  • Some mix and match combo of all the above.

So.

There you have it.

Crap in my closets as metaphor for better time management, CLEAR communication (that does not go off into spaghetti code talks or thinks), conflict resolution, reality checking, and owning your own baggage.

Because you want to be the best partner you can be to your polypeeps.

Even in the Closed Polyship of 2.

"It is the thing, and the whole of the thing."

(Ms Sarcasm is still being sat upon. Only now the Brain Board of Trustees are giggling and eating popcorn. Waiting to see what happens next. Off to find DH in the shower.... woo!)

GG

PS: As I figured. Sorted it out in shower. Via fish, bowls, and some dead horsing. Ultimately? All is well.

Though I'm amused. The more things change the more they stay the same. That man makes me nuts. In a good way.

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

~Rita Rudner

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-14-2012 at 05:08 AM.
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  #56  
Old 09-14-2012, 01:59 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ON MY LOVE LANGUAGE PT 1

This is an excerpt from this thread.

Quote:
1) You are over thinking it.

2) Stop measuring love or trying to measure it. Just let it be what it IS.

3) Why can't you say to Honey Bunny -- "Oh, Honey Bunny! You have all my Honey Bunny love! Wheeeee!" Because you hold nothing back from loving Honey Bunny.

4) Why can't you say to SweetiePie -- "Oh, SweetiePie! You have all of my SweetiePie love! Wheeee!" Because you hold nothing back from loving Sweetie Pie.

5) Do you hold anything back from loving YOURSELF? (I suspect you might somewhere.)

A STORY


When I was a hinge, it would pain me when BF2 would call be "Dearest GalaGirl" because exBF used to call me that and that break up was horrible and painful.

I explained that inittiall and BF2 accepted it and rolled with it a while.

Then it came up again later he would express himself and call me "Dearest GalaGirl" and when I'd protest anew?

He firmly told me "That is ridiculous. You ARE my dearest GalaGirl, and I'm NOT going to limit the expression of MY feelings for you just because you have some weird hang up thing still leftover from some ex. I'm NOT going to stop calling you my dearest because you ARE my dearest. So THERE. Even if right now you are being my most dearest GalaGirl pain in the ass. I STILL love you. Try to stop me! Sheesh!"

And I laughed.

And he was right.

So did the inner work I needed to do to be able to let "leftover breakup exBF feelings of ugggghhh" go so I could enjoy BF2 without exBF ghost hovering around bugging me/him/us.

Interestingly it was never a direct issue with BF1 (now DH) because he NEVER calls me by name! Even after almost 20 years together! Though I'm sure he benefitted from my having done that work and relaxing more into the relationship with him too.

He calls me "hey you!" with a grin of affection. Or he calls me made up names. "Babe" is the mildest and probably most common in love language parlance that I can see. My sister is also "Babe" to her hubby. But I seriously doubt he's calling her things like I am called -- monkeybutt, pumpkinhead, foghorn, hobbitfeet, etc.

DH has odd humor and what is endearing to him about me just is what it is.

And among what endears HIM to me? Is that very odd sense of humor. LOL.


A SUGGESTION

Quote:
I know that love is not a finite thing, but I don't feel entitled to use that language.
Dig deeper there and figure out why that pings you. Why DON'T you feel entitled?

Why is your expression style of your own love feelings not enough for YOU?

Why is it in competition with how your Others express themselves in THEIR style? OR what about their style is bothering you?

GG
If we're talking about the book and the related quiz on love languages?

Of course, that these things are going to CHANGE over time depending on needs. I just took it now. Here's that snapshot in points order:

9 Acts of Service
9 Physical Touch
6 Quality Time
6 Words of Affirmation
0 Receiving Gifts


DUH. I'm doing a massive house cleaning. Of course I'm big on acts of service right now -- I need help! And physical touch is always my number one.

I did not keep the weight scores but last year the order was Touch, Words of Affirmation (I was going through a tough time with the parents and Dad's eldercare needs), then quality time (because all my time seemed hogged with parents and I needed couple time) and then acts of service and gifts with a big gap with those two. (Who gives a damn about the house!? We are in crisis!) and (My god -- no more STUFF! I don't need more clutter, and gifts mean nothing to me right now! My people are in crisis!)

But that's a sidetrack Shiny Thought.

The love language I am talking about is literally the love language I use with my loved people.

It's charged with verbal banter and humor.

I love my kid to pieces and an exchange would go something like this when she was very small -- like 3 years old.
ME: You are the BEST kid in this house!

Her: Yay!

Me: You know you are the ONLY kid in this house right? It also means you are the worst.

Her: (horrified) No! I rather have the best!

Me: Ok, have the best. You are the BEST kid in this house!

Her: Oh, yay! (if she knew the expression she would have said "Oh, thank the maker! The heavens!" She didn't then so it was just "Oh, yay!" of relief.)
Then she grew up some.
Me: You are the BEST kid in this house!

Her: Mom, I am the only kid in this house. I have to be the best.

Me: Ok. You are also the WORST kid in this house!

Her: Mom, you are weird. (insert eye roll)
Then she grew up some more.
Me: You are the BEST kid in this house!

Her: Yep. I'm also the WORST kid in this house. Muahahahahaha.

Me: Hey! You can't be doing that! Beating me to my punch line!

Her: Muahahahaha. I know all your jokes, Mom.

Me: Dang it! Now I have to go make some new ones!

Her: You know what?

Me: What?

Her: You are the WORST mother in this house!

Me: Hey! You can't be doing that! Now you are stealing my own jokes!

Her: Don't worry. Secretly you are the best mom in this house.

Me: Well I KNOW that! But you are still a joke stealer! Outrage! Infamy!

Her: What's that mean?

Me: Ha! Ha! I can still win! I have big vocabulary!

Her: (laughing) You are weird. What does that mean? Infamy?

Me: It means...
Then she grew up some more. We are here.
Her: Hey, Mom! Guess what?!

Me: What?

Her: I am the WORST kid in this house!

Me: I don't need bad children. Is this some kind of Calvin and Hobbes announcement? Did you blow up something?

Her: Mom! That's NOT how it goes! I don't blow things up.

Me: (Alright. Just checking.) OMG! She's the worst kid in this house! Help! Doom!

Her: (That's better.) But you know I'm the best kid right?

Me: Aye. Best kid in this house. (hugs)

I am waiting for her to grow up some more so it can change into
Her: Hey, mom! I'm the worst kid in this house!

Me: WHAT kid, Kid? You grew up. Muahahahaha! Gotcha! I win! I wiiiiin!

Her: Mom, you are so weird.
Only not too fast. I'm enjoying Kid being a kid.


As with child, my love language to my romantic partners evolves over time. It's still wrought with humor and weird and affection. It doesn't mean I love DH any less just because I used words like "baby, hon, sweetheart" with him that also were used with previous boyfriends.

Those are part of my general loving vocab pantheon. Even the kid gets those.

But there are some that have developed that are unique to him. There's banter and exchange that are unique to him. Some things are earned.

Last night I went to an old,old exchange pattern. From the college days when I wasn't quite ready to stop squirming about it when he expressed HIS love and affection for me. The FWB thing was changing. I wasn't ready to go there directly. In yesteryear it went something like this:
Him: I love you.

Me: You can't.

Him: Why?

Me: I'm not me.

Him: What are you?

Me: I'm a frog.

Him: Alright. I love frogs.

Me: I know. I might change my mind though.

Him: To what?

Me: I dunno. Mebbe I feel like being a potato bug today.

Him: That would be interesting. You being a potato bug.

Me: I think I'll stick to frogs today though. If I were a potato bug some frog might hop along and eat me.

Him: Yeah, I can see where frogs would be better. I love frogs.

Me: Me too.
And we both knew we weren't talking about frogs at all even though we were talking about frogs too. Last night got the shortcut with the old banter.
Him: I love you.

Me: You can't.

Him: Why not?

Me: I'm a frog.

Him: Alright. Are you a potato bug too?

And I grinned because he remembered.

Me: Yup.

Him: Ok. I love you frog potato.
Soooo satisfies.

There's a lot of exchanges we've built over the years for various things.

Even like what I was talking about last night. The banter of "We are having a fusspot, and we recognize it as a fusspot, and we despite recognition we will still have and finish this fusspot to satisfactory conclusion."

1st person : A horse!?
2nd person: A horse!
Together: My kingdom for a horse!

So really it is like

1st person : A horse!? (You know we're having one of those fusspot things right?)
2nd person: A horse! (Yep, I know. Another one. C'est la vie.)
Together: My kingdom for a horse! (Alright, we're on the same page then. Really we're good but the stupid fusspot must be had. Onward! Onward to fusspotdom!)

And on the Meta Level we both know we're not quoting it from shakespeare. We're quoting it from Neil Simon's "The Goodbye Girl."

Only we're both simultaneously Paula AND Elliot. He has Paula moments. He has Elliot moments. I have Paula moments. He has Elliot moments.

And on the Meta Level? We both know we're on the same page.

Onward! Onward to continuing to weave a life together.

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-14-2012 at 08:43 PM.
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Old 09-14-2012, 02:00 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ON MY LOVE LANGUAGE PT 2

One of our favorite Elliot and Paula exchanges is when Elliot tells Paula off.
Elliot Garfield: [climbing the stairs in the apartment building] Despite the fact that you're one large pain in the arse, last night was the best thing that ever happened to me, girl-wise, and if you weren't behaving like such a horse's rectum you would know that we could be inside touching and fondling all day long until about 5 o'clock when I gotta go to rehearsal. Personally, Madam, I think you blew it.

The stunned Paula eventually goes upstairs too and finds Elliot leaning against the wall. She grabs his scarf and leads him to the bedroom and he does some jaunty little walk like "Oo yay! Kiss and make up sex!"

Like ORE couples have never been THERE before.

But before you can go there for real, you have to have the fusspot for real. And really do clear the air and recalibrate to being in right relationship again.

Otherwise it is playing avoidy on the personal work front and doing angry sex / avoidy sex and that's just not cool. You start stacking up minuses that way and if it becomes a habit the relationship is taking dings in several buckets.

Distancing on mind intimacy.

Distancing on emotional intimacy.

Eventually distancing on physical intimacy, soul intimacy.

And that's not a relationship any more. It is a shell. You keep building avoidy untrustworthiness -- in self and partner.

And personally madam, I'm not up for blowing it on this one. Who wants to feed THAT bucket?

Love language matters. It's a warning bell to me if there's not been the usual (funny/oddball) exchanges around here. Doesn't mean we're breaking up or anything so severe -- just means something needing tending and checking in would be good.

Usually it's tired -- but even tired gone untended too long can start to drain.

Loving relationship CAN handle having Hard Conversation. It's moments of Vulnerable Shared. It's not about never having Conflict. It's about HOW you weather the storms together.


Bookmark -- the ships in the night.


Off to battle clutter boxes. Onward! Onward I say! (I need me a dead clutter horse to flog. The clutter horse is waaay too alive. )

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-14-2012 at 08:32 PM.
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Old 09-14-2012, 06:57 PM
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I'm taking the love languages quiz and all I can think is "Argh! They're BOTH true!" of the choices... I may have to do the one for singles to get a more accurate reading, because with CdM it's all glorious, but who's to say it'd be the same with anyone else?

[edit:] Yep! Much more obvious what mattered when I did the singles quiz.

2 Words of Affirmation
9 Quality Time
2 Receiving Gifts
10 Acts of Service
7 Physical Touch

And it feels more true: I really am the kind of person for whom actions speak louder than words. So thank you for the link, and thank you for prompting me to look at this!
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Last edited by lovefromgirl; 09-14-2012 at 07:06 PM. Reason: more information!
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Old 09-14-2012, 08:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I had a hard time with picking between the two also -- my takgin it like a single

was more what I had before. The top 3 being sooo close together. Because I struggled with some too. I STILL wanted to pick both!

9 Quality Time
8 Acts of Service
7 Physical Touch
5 Words of Affirmation
1 Receiving Gifts

Thing is -- it still depends on my mood when taking it and where my needs are at. Right now I'm not listing a big need for words of affirmation because while I like them? We're spending a LOT more time talking to each other in deeper ways. Still way struggling on couple quality time, but working on it.

Glad you enjoyed it!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-14-2012 at 08:44 PM.
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Old 09-16-2012, 01:53 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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EMOTIONAL FLOODING: WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WHEN IT COMES DOWN

So earlier I was talking about an emotional flooding experience.

I have a hard time with that. It is the one I'm still trying to figure out how to handle for my own stress management.

I've gotten better so it is shorter in duration, but it takes me a while to pick apart afterward to harvest any useful nuggets of knowledge for how to handle myself the NEXT time I find myself there.

In the moment it is happening I feel overwhelmed in a malestrom of emotion.

Someone flings a plate of emotional spaghetti at me. And I'm supposed to sort all the tangles out WHILE having the scene that triggered me? Ugh. Debugging emotional spaghetti code while being overemotional and muddled in logic circuits. Bah.

(Meta: This was written right in the moment it happened, and I worked on it to untangle over several days. It took a while to straighten the spaghetti and organize it into SOMETHING. Far from clearest it could ever be, but I gained insights in the doing. Both then and now as I post it to my thread rather than in my .doc file. So here's the long version of the spaghetti Code Emotional Journey)


THE SET UP


Let me slow it all down like a slow motion movie. Let us see what we can learn here.

SCENE 1: MY DESK

DH announces he's going to shower. I hurry up to finish that previous blog post. I left it in a good mood, feeling all kinds of tender "Awwww...." toward my spouse.

SCENE 2: MY BATHROOM

Went to go shower with DH and finally check in on our days -- the deeper bucket checks of Mind, Heart, Body and Soul.

He greeted me with surprise "Hey! I was almost done."

I greeted him with apology "Yah, sorry, I was trying to wrap up my writing."

We have a tradition of showering together every day because it's our decompress time in private.

He asked me how I was and I was trying to do the buckets.

I covered BODY with him while getting naked and taking a pee:
I was still tired but felt better post nap. I apologized if earlier I seemed terse but I was just too full to take new information on board. He was fine with this no apology needed . He reported he was in the same place and was also doing better for the nap but was still also tired and he really needed to eat. I said I probably could eat a snack too now that I thought about it. We could eat together post shower maybe.
I started to cover MIND while trying to soap up and lather in the shower. He was leaning against the shower wall listening:
I had a taxing day mentally with my work today. I have a work situation that is very frustrating to me and triggers my annoyances with the whole situation. I'm not mad at people. I am very mad/frustrated with the situation because it is like a thorn in my side I can't figure out how to get rid of well. I'd like his input.
And then I ended up flooding and it went off the rails because I did not complete bucket checks and I was mixing drugs. (more on this in a minute).

I was still bathing but got all teary and started to cry and he told me not to stand in the hot water and burn myself (watching out for my body bucket) and hugged me.

This helped me remember to get over the showering (finish tending to my own body bucket) and I moved that bathing part forward.

SCENE 3: THE KITCHEN

We're trying to get eats and drinks for a late dinner and I'm still trying to process through my layers simultaneously. I'm getting frustrated with layer sorting. (Drug 1: frustrated)

He's tending to his own body bucket needs to eat. I cannot eat when stressy. (Drug 2: stress) But I get a drink.

We sit down at the table and I breathe. I try again to explain. (me tending mind bucket.) He tries to listen. (Him tending my mind bucket.)

I go over my layers as best I can in the moment. These were all being felt/expressed almost at once/figured out a short while later. It is hard to slow-motion them when I was feeling them in emotional FLOOD.

[enter irrational emotional flooding area – the Internal Brain Board of Trustees all screaming at once inside. This all goes down in seconds in my brain. I slow it waaay down here. For clarity of reading I group most voices under two main captains -- Emotional Bucket Subcommitee Chair and Mind Bucket Subcommitee Chair. Really I experience it in my head as lots of people (all me) shouting. Even that is not adequate words to describe it but whatever. It will have to do.]
Ms. Logical Mind Bucket: I am venting. I think I'm venting.

Ms: Emotional Bucket: I am on the crazy train. I think I'm crazy sounding.

Ms Logical Mind Bucket: I know. Flooding. I want to just go fast and get it out and over. Because it is thundering through me like flash flood. A runaway train. It's is FAST. Data packet stream. Whooosh!

Ms Emotional Bucket: I do not like the ride. I want to get it over with but not so fast! I will puke! Ugh. Ugh! UGH!

Ms Logical Mind Bucket: What's he doing? Huh? He just aggravating it further by reminding me "I don't want you flooding, hon, be careful." I KNOW I am flooding. What he wants doesn't count here. It is TOO LATE. I am trying to be careful. Ugh.

Ms Emotional Bucket: And in reminding me that, he is pissing all of us off in here! In all buckets!

Ms: Mind Bucket: I agree. I am annoyed with him too. What's he talking about?

Ms Emotional Bucket: He's nuts. He's blind. Guh. Overwhelmed. Someone shout out there at him. Something like "Dude! TOO LATE! I am already emotionally flooding! I just want to be allowed to get to the end of my train of thought so I can get OFF the emotionally flooding journey and you keep yanking in the string in the window to make it stop. I don't want to stop and be in Hang Time that much longer. I want to GET OFF THE BUS!"

Ms Mind Bucket: Who me? What are you saying? Trains, buses, what vehicle are we on? Make sense, woman. You are emotional gibberish.

Ms Emotion Bucket: Shut the fuck up. Guh. Ow, my head hurts. Ugh.

Ms Mind Bucket: Where were we in the vent?

Ms Emotion Bucket: We were being crazy.

Ms Mind Bucket: We are? I need to process that. Now what? He is waving his arms at me. Why is he doing that? I can't compute all these things at once, people.

Ms Emotion Bucket: Him holding that sign up is making me MAD. He keeps interrupting us. UGH.

Ms Mind Bucket: Um... I'm not sure... hang on. I have to check my files but listen -- I think we've TOLD him to do that?

Ms: Emotion Bucket: Do not care. I hate him waving at me right now. I want to get off the bus and punch him for waving at me. Adding more crap to me emotional stew! UGH!
Other background voices I have not named but group under "Emotion side"
Voice 1: Me too!

Voice 2: Me three!

Voice 3: Dude – finally something we can agree on! Me four! Let's go!
So I had to harness that anger into something productive, something constructive to meet the goal of GET OFF THE BUS so I could get back into myself so I could think about punching him in the arm.

So took a deep breath, marshalled all my a-twittered bits and sailed back into it at him verbally. Because by this time it was in the pipeline already. Cannot recall. But at the last moment Mind Bucket shouts...
Ms Mind Bucket: No actual punching! He's obeying a Meta order in waving arms. I found the file!

Emotion Bucket: Argh. Fine! No punching! But he's getting Sharp Words!

META ME: You will be as clear and articulated as possible. You will not singe him with laser beam eyes. Control thyself. I so command.

Emotion Bucket: Nrgh. FINE.

I snapped back into myself. I frowned to help me concentrate. Because it feels like trying to operate me from a far distance away. Hard to open and close my mouth to talk. Hard to clear brain static to get a clear signal out to speak.

I told him first that I was NOT mad at HIM. (More a police warning to all the crazy internal demons shouting. We love DH, he does not deserve ill treatment)

I was clear as possible and articulated that this whole meta situation makes me feel thus:
  • I know I am emotionally flooding. I will tend to that in a minute.
  • Shut up and listen first on the work thing because my brain can only manage to go in order of happening. That came first. You do not help me untangle when adding more tangle.

He nodded and agreed. (That helped cool my jets because he's letting me own my own freak show and not telling me how to be like before -- when he said he did not want me flooding and to be careful.)

WORK: I was clear as I could be about how I wanted to try to solve this situation with work, and where I wanted to be in my buckets at the conclusion of the work thing. (I could work on this solution I want to do some more, but at least I got a draft aired out to him. That cooled my jets even further. Because that was what I originally wanted. To air that out all the way across. Before I started mixing drugs and it turned into a flood.)

And I calmed the fuck down on the emotional flooding front. There. Original goal done. Next?

(cont.)

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-16-2012 at 02:25 PM.
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