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Old 09-13-2012, 06:32 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 602
Default V-Dynamics

Yeay, some poly related things happening again I always feel kind of normal and reassured when we encounter those little traps. Another pitfall discovered on our way to eternal poly-happiness! (^.-)

This has happened some days ago and I stopped pondering about it on Tuesday. After the last year all of us are able to see some underlying patterns in our everyday life and how each is influencing the other(s). Those lead to a quarrel.

Sward and my dynamic is old and full of routine. He knows that I don't like to be talked to when I come home. I need some time to think things through, maybe finish doing something or just occupy myself with unrelated stuff to calm down and really 'arrive' at home. Lin doesn't know this pattern, or he hasn't adjusted to it yet. He normally asks when I enter the door how my day has been and what happened and I taciturnly mumble two or three word answers if he is lucky. Later, when Sward arrives and has had his twenty minutes or half an hour to acclimatize ( he is just like me in that regard), we start talking naturally about everything. A problem that arose on a regular basis through this pattern, was that Lin was in the kitchen during those periods, doing the dish washing and we were in the study making plans what to do the next day or on a special date. Something to keep in mind.

This is just one example there are some more. But the most stressing one is something Lin discovered and brought to my attention during our quarrel. Sward and I are like siblings from time to time. Lin said that he was constantly reminded of his brother and sisters teasing each other until one is crying. Our most favorite topics: weight and time spend with others. And Sward and I had no idea that those had some inherent patterns.

Sward has lost about 50 lbs by now. A real success and of course I am happy for him. BUT he loves to rub this into my face. He thinks it's funny and does mean no harm (90% of the time at least ) But when he enters the room wearing his old jeans (those two which are the only ones I can wear at the moment) showing off and telling me how they don't really fit … yeah, not nice from my point of view.

I on the other hand tend to needle him about his animated contact with our neighbor's daughter. Ok, he is helping her coping with a total douchebag, but (it's going back and forth for months by now) I don't have any sympathy for her any longer. And he is all over her, chatting till late in the night, texting half of the evening and visiting the house next door a bit too regularly for the few time he and I have.

And every time he or I start teasing the other, we tend to go into sulk-mood as a reaction to it. And the one suffering because of this is Lin. Last week he has had enough. Sward teased me and I reacted instantly. The day Lin and I spend with each other was great, Lin has been looking forward to the night as well and then Sward came, making digs at me, my mood going south and our evening as well. He called me on this behavior and spoke his mind. Lin is the most uncomplicated person I can think of. If something is too stressful, he just leaves it be. In contrast to him, Sward and I are real Drama-Queens. What I got out of our discussion that night, was that I certainly have to look out for Lin's needs a bit more and to call Sward on our teasing behavior. As I said, I didn't notice that there was a pattern. Sometimes it's really beneficial to have a third point of view.

The other thing happened yesterday evening. The day was quite stressful, I was running around in university half of it and most of the night I wasn't able to sleep because of our dog. When I came home around 4 pm I finished some paperwork but couldn't concentrate because the flat was soooo … untidy and unclean. If I want to be productive, I visit the library because I love the atmosphere there with all the books around (it speaks of work and concentration kind of) or I tidy up the whole flat to not be distracted by the chaos around me. I didn't notice the state of the flat for days, because I stayed home most of the last two weeks and I don't see things piling up if I don't leave and come back.

That resulted in me coming home, instantly pissed off by all the things lying around and starting to clean. Without talking more than 10 words with Lin, whom I haven't seen that day because I left the house early. I noticed that he was in a bad mood later that evening, but I thought that we could talk later in bed where he went unusually early over the course of the evening. I stayed with Sward and ate something and we talked a bit as usual. When I got ready to leave, to spend the night with Lin Sward gave me a blank look. “Why are you wishing me a good night? It's Wednesday, you are with me tonight.”

I totally mixed up the schedule. I needed some seconds to realize that I not only mixed things up, but I additionally really wanted to spend the night with Lin. Sward quickly reassured me that this was fine, I should go and spend the night with Lin if I wished to, but I discovered an old problem. I went to be with Lin, but I was having a really bad conscience because of it. I made a choice and spoke out a preference … I am no good with this. The last time I stumbled over expressing my needs was in March. There have been two or three occasions where I chose as well but this time I was having a problem again. Don't really know why, maybe because I was having a bad day generally.

Our schedule is really beneficial for our everyday life, especially for my inner peace as it seems. I spoke to both of them about it and there isn't anything rubbing them the wrong way about it. I need to make up my mind what is bugging me as it seems. Kind of unable to corner it right now.
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Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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