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  #1461  
Old 09-08-2012, 06:49 PM
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It seems to me that poly is not about the "free love" that some come into it thinking. It seems to be about self examination and relationship examination. There is nothing like poly to make a person evaluate themselves and those they have relationships with. It seems that what comes up most is issues of integrity, communication compatibility and shared relationship goals and values.

This notion seems so simple, but is so incredibly complex at the same time. No "free" about it. Often there comes a huge expense.
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  #1462  
Old 09-08-2012, 07:11 PM
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I have been thinking a lot about how people do poly differently than me. I am a tribal person. The trickle down that happens when one person in the "tribe," even in the far reaches of where the boundary is of my tribe, effects me greatly whether I like it or not. If someone does something that causes pain for another I feel it through that person, who has a relationship with that person, who has a relationship with that person who has a relationship with me. All of it comes my way. How I respond trickles back to them and everyone else.

The positive other side of receiving those feelings from others is that I feel huge amounts of love and support also from everyone and give the same also. All of the "energy" in my "tribe" moves and shifts from person to person. If someone comes into someone's life as a partner, or out, then that shift happens also. It keeps me on my toes, it keeps me thinking about extended consideration... compassion/empathy. What I do affects people and I intend to make sure that affect is only positive if I can possibly help it. If not, then I intend to make it a learning experience that is helpful to all.

I think about First Nations culture in Canada. I am no expert and really only know a bit, but I like that it is very important to surround someone in a family/nation who has struggles. The attempt to support the person through words of wisdom and love is really noble to me. Regardless of what they have done and who it has affected, the person is listened to, consulted about what they will do to make things right, encouraged to try new things, praised when they change their ways and given the well earned wisdom from their elders and family around them so that they might benefit and be given every possible chance to succeed. There are limits to how much is given and how much will be tolerated too. Its not like there is no consequence to actions, but that is the last straw and there is a huge effort to support their self journey before it gets to that point.

I see my role in my family and how I do poly the way I have described. Its tricky when those around me in my "tribe" don't see their role as I do, but I can only encourage them to listen and understand my stance and realise that not everyone is like me nor are they as experienced as I am in poly. I can only do what is right for me and in reflection of what I value in the hope that at least it will be well received even if the person doesn't like the way I do things or doesn't agree with how my poly works.
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  #1463  
Old 09-08-2012, 07:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I have been thinking a lot about how people do poly differently than me. I am a tribal person. The trickle down that happens when one person in the "tribe," even in the far reaches of where the boundary is of my tribe, effects me greatly whether I like it or not. If someone does something that causes pain for another I feel it through that person, who has a relationship with that person, who has a relationship with that person who has a relationship with me. All of it comes my way. How I respond trickles back to them and everyone else.
This is how I seem to work as well. My dad's therapist isn't too happy about it, but she's not the one living here, being part of this family with everything we've experienced together. So.

Quote:
I think about First Nations culture in Canada. I am no expert and really only know a bit, but I like that it is very important to surround someone in a family/nation who has struggles. The attempt to support the person through words of wisdom and love is really noble to me. Regardless of what they have done and who it has affected, the person is listened to, consulted about what they will do to make things right, encouraged to try new things, praised when they change their ways and given the well earned wisdom from their elders and family around them so that they might benefit and be given every possible chance to succeed. There are limits to how much is given and how much will be tolerated too. Its not like there is no consequence to actions, but that is the last straw and there is a huge effort to support their self journey before it gets to that point.
Very much something I want for myself in life. Learning how to see the benefits of this can be difficult for people who are used to a nuclear family structure (or a series of interlocked nuclear family structures). I had a giant extended family when I was small, though. It suddenly being just us three on this side of the pond was part of culture shock, I bet.

What you describe resembles Covey's concept of interdependence very much, and since that's also one of my values, I can consider and embrace this description of what I suspect is an idea with many names already.

Thank you.
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  #1464  
Old 09-12-2012, 05:48 AM
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Its been a week of dealing with one thing after another it seems. Most of it right here on the forum. Many things come into play when making decisions and many things are confidential or unknown publicly. What looks like nothing going on is actually post after post in our mod forum on how to handle things fairly for all. Its a lot of work and has left me with "compassion fatigue" for the moment.
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-12-2012 at 09:26 PM.
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  #1465  
Old 09-12-2012, 09:47 PM
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Hugs!
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  #1466  
Old 09-12-2012, 09:53 PM
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*hugs* Take some time for yourself, hon. I was away for the weekend and have no idea what I missed, but I just wanted to let you and all the mods know how much I appreciate all that you do.
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  #1467  
Old 09-13-2012, 11:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
*hugs* Take some time for yourself, hon. I was away for the weekend and have no idea what I missed...
No doubt our Caribbean island friend. That was a doozy of a thread.
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  #1468  
Old 09-14-2012, 06:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Its a lot of work and has left me with "compassion fatigue" for the moment.
I definitely sympathise. I have had a few cases like this on fora that I've been trying to moderate and it's hard to keep all the mods happy, let alone all the members. Sometimes you really do have to take a step back from it all.
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  #1469  
Old 09-17-2012, 08:55 PM
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Thanks guys
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  #1470  
Old 09-17-2012, 09:05 PM
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I have a week of burlesque mayhem going on right now after two weekends in a row of music and beer festivalling. I hope to catch up here soon, at least intermittently.
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