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  #11  
Old 09-11-2012, 11:41 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I wonder if she's having an emotional breakdown?

I had one last winter, which is why it comes to mind so easily for me-so maybe not.

But, one of the issues I had-was a totally inability to handle any input regarding anyone else (including my one boyfriend who lives with us).

I don't know if that's the case or not-but if it is-what helped me was just having a couple months without anything to do with all of it. That allowed me to focus on myself and get my own head together.

(all the same players are in the picture as prior to my break-including the one whose behavior was "the straw that broke the camels back"-I just needed the break)
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  #12  
Old 09-12-2012, 12:14 AM
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I have no idea whether she's having a breakdown or not. She seems very rational and calculated. She's deliberately blocking any feeling of love she feels for me, because she thinks it's too risky for her to be vulnerable like that. Looks like she's right (from her perspective).

She did suggest that we take a few weeks/months off each other (she has a project she has to finish, so all this new poly stuff is very distracting to her). But she wants me to take this time "to think", but not to be unfaithful to her.

I don't think I will agree to these terms.

But I'm starting to think that it will be a good thing. We don't have to divorce right now anyway ... it takes time. And both of us will have time to think, be miserable, be happy ... just explore.

If we renegotiate the boundaries of our relationship afterwards ... ok. If not ... we'll have to live with it and break up.

Now my mind is starting to go over logistics of where I'll stay until we decide what we're doing (I certainly don't want to make her move apartments any time soon) ... and I haven't even told her yet ... she's asleep. I don't want to wake her because she values her sleep a lot ... but I just can't seem to fall asleep at all myself. I think I'll go find me a pub and have a beer by myself.

The low points of a relationship really feel like it's not worth it at all. And the high points make you forget the low points all together.
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  #13  
Old 09-15-2012, 09:52 PM
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Sorry to hear things have reached this crisis between you and your wife. It sounds like you're doing the best you can under the circumstances.

Re (from Post #7):
Quote:
"Are any of you self-aware polys that have chosen, for whatever reason, to suppress this side of their personality, and succeeded?"
I guess I had to suppress that for a period of time once. It wasn't easy ... but then, I didn't know as much as I do now (e.g. about the perils of NRE).

You have to be really careful about NRE; it will throw your perspective into an area that you could later regret. At least, that was my experience.

I hope you and your wife are able to work something out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #14  
Old 09-16-2012, 02:49 AM
theopol theopol is offline
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Thanks.

I am very happy to report that things are much, much better now.

1. My wife understood that whatever work we need to do on this, we have to do it together. She can't just ask me "stop being poly ... come back to me when you're ready". It's a team trying to work through change.

2. For the time being, I'm cooling off relations with the new girl. I refused to agree to anything like "I will never talk to her again", but it is very good for my wife and I to do this for the time being, and so I happily cooperate.

3. We have started couple's therapy. It will take time because we have a lot to discuss, but we have already gained some valuable tools.

4. I think already in the short weeks that passed, she is slightly softening up. One night I defined us as "two polys that just choose to keep the number of people in our group to two for now", and she didn't flinch. I am reading into this that maybe, sometime in the far future, she'll be willing to consider ... some form of poly. Maybe it will be only sex, maybe more, but she's not saying things like "I'll never be poly" anymore.

5. She understands that she is more important to me, right now, than being poly. She still has issues with the "right now" part ... she's afraid I'll change my mind in the future ... and I can't promise her that I won't. We'll work on it.

The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster, but I'm happy we've had that - whether we stay together or not, we'll be much stronger and smarter now. We've identified some core issues in our relationship that has nothing to do with poly, are working on them, and are doing it as a team.

Yay us!
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  #15  
Old 09-16-2012, 03:48 AM
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That sounds like good news to me; I'm glad things are going better now.
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  #16  
Old 09-16-2012, 05:12 PM
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Awesome!
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