Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 09-11-2012, 03:06 PM
polyjuice polyjuice is offline
New Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 4
Default Just bad luck or am I doing something wrong?

Greetings, everyone! After one too many failures at googling things like "What do I get my girlfriend for her wedding?" I realize it's time to jump into this forum and see what turns up.

(For easy reference: R: Wife. M: My Girlfriend. D: Girlfriend's fiancÚ.)

My wife, R, and I have been together for about 9 years, married for two. Although we'd spoken about it for a long time, about a year ago we finally started actively dating and fucking other people.

I hit the jackpot on my first okcupid date. M gives me all sorts of things that R does not. Though M is submissive with D, her fiancÚ, she is extremely dominant with me. There are no secrets between the four of us -- everyone knows everything.

M and I didn't fuck until the 4th or 5th date. After seeing M for a month or two, R admitted to me that she was surprised that M was turning into an actual relationship -- when we decided to Open Up she had imagined just meeting a couple of fuck buddies and keeping them in rotation. But she was ok with my new relationship and managed to keep her jealousy mostly in check. Then she met a man... but that's a story for another thread.

(Sidebar: R and I knew at the start that we were exiting the main trail and embarking on the double-black diamond of relationships. The past year has been even more of an emotional roller coaster for me that I had expected, but I wouldn't trade places with anyone. I really am having a great time, I think that R and I are navigating the waters very well, and I'm grateful to her for making this all possible.)

After the first few months the frequency with which I would see M dropped off significantly. Sometimes I'd see her once every 3 weeks. Sometimes 6 weeks. We're both busy people, live on opposite sides of town, and have our own primary relationships to tend to. But this also means that for many months it was extremely difficult to schedule a time for R and M to meet. Incidentally, R and D met for a few dates around the time that I first met M. (This was facilitated by some previously overlooked okcupid messages between R and D from a few months earlier.) Long story short: R finally met M around June of this year, each having plenty of preconceived notions of the other. They don't get along.

So M and D are to be married this Saturday. First issue, which has been bothering me for a while and which I don't feel I can discuss with either M or D: They had hoped to invite me to the wedding. I would L*O*V*E to go to their wedding. I care very much about M and would like to get closer with D. And I'd really like to meet their friends. But when first discussed, M suggested that they were not comfortable inviting R. Understandably. When I mentioned this to R, she said that she was not comfortable with me attending a wedding to which she had been explicitly disinvited. Understandably. I mentioned this casually to M. Since then, R and M have met, M and D came to a dinner party at our house... but they still aren't interested in having R at The Event. And believing that I wouldn't come alone, and not wanting to give me a plus-one, I was not invited either.

If I was single and M's relationship with me was a secret, this would be the dramatic conflict near the end of the romantic comedy script. My girlfriend is marrying another man! And I've been instructed to steer clear of the wedding! (Hilarity ensues!) Of course, I am already married, and my relationship with M need not actually change following her marriage. But my frustration at the situation is barely lessened by these facts. While I'm not what you'd call "outgoing," I do tend to get along with just about everyone, but the same is not true of R. I'm frustrated that her basic incompatibility with M has cost me the opportunity to attend the wedding. And I'm frustrated with M for not discussing the issue more with me before cutting me off the list -- after all, R has attended plenty of sex parties with her boyfriend to which I was specifically disinvited. (Again: probably a subject for another thread.) It sucks, but I got over it. Probably. I hate to think that I blame or resent either R or M, but I'm certainly upset about how things are playing out. (Maybe this extreme pain in my stomach for the past 24 hours is psychosomatic after all.) Am I being to cautious about protecting R's feelings? Is this a failure of communication?

So the best I can hope for is to find myself something engaging to do on Saturday to keep my mind off of things. But really what prompted this post was the question at the top: What the hell do I get my girlfriend for her wedding? The expensive sheets on their gift registry? (Chances of being invited over for a test-drive with the two of them: almost 100%, but I might have to cook and serve them dinner first. Naked.) The really expensive and fancy quilt for their bed? (She keeps the bedroom SO COLD in the winter!) Of course, I don't want to spend too much for fear of upsetting R, ("Why won't you buy ME expensive sheets?") and I don't have the greatest cash flow at the moment. But I also don't want to just get them the $20 soap dispenser. M is more important to me than that. First world problems.

So that's what has been on my mind this week. Thanks for reading. I'd love to hear someone else's thoughts on the matters.
Reply With Quote

conflict, gifts, questions welcomed, wedding

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:51 PM.