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Old 09-11-2012, 12:00 PM
persephone persephone is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 68
Default Oh, man, has the s--t hit the fan here

I already posted a little while back about my partner D and his potential partner R, whom I was not trusting because of her failure to disclose the existence of a sexual partner she had before sexual contact happened between her and D. The full story is in the first post here:

http://http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28218

Since I posted that, D has told me that R did not, as I had thought, tell him about her male partner the night they had sexual contact. Instead, he said she told him about the guy days later. Had D had intercourse with R that night, as she wanted, she may not have disclosed the male partner at all. She didn't disclose before he touched her sexually, anyway. I find it highly unlikely that someone would disclose a sexual partner in between heavy petting and intercourse or oral.

There was a new development this weekend. R told D that the man she was sleeping with had recently revealed that he'd had a recent one-night stand where he didn't use condoms, before he'd been with her.

While I am not overly worried about D's risks here (since he hasn't had intercourse or oral sex with R), I am very disturbed by the fact that not only did R fail to disclose a partner that D needed to know about before he had any sexual contact with her, but that her screening process, if any, for said partner was clearly very lax.

Anyway, D wrote R what I thought was a perfectly reasonable email, where he seriously questioned how she behaved in this (in terms of failing to disclose a partner, and also not screening said partner properly). However, in the same message, D also claimed a good part of the responsibility in what had gone wrong too (e.g.; he hadn't asked enough questions, and shouldn't have gone ahead with sexual contact that he'd already decided he didn't intend to have that evening.) He also told her that I was horrified and didn't feel like I could trust her again as a potential sexual partner for him (which is true). But he still wanted to be her friend. She flew into a rage, from the sound of it, and told him she wanted nothing more to do with him, even as a friend.

D is devastated, and I feel terrible for him. I would have been fine with him staying friends with her, I just don't want such a risky person in our network of partners. One of my partners has a monogamous spouse who would probably end their sex life forever if I ever gave him an STD, even something curable. I have to be very, very careful.

The irony in all this is that R ONCE LED A SAFER-SEX TALK in a discussion group that she and I and D all belong to. At the talk, she seemed to know absolutely everything about safer sex, certainly more than I did at the time. That talk was one of the reasons I felt good about D getting involved with her in the first place.

Anyway, it was a learning experience for all of us. I personally will never assume that just because someone has told me about some of their recent partners, that I know about all of them.

Last edited by persephone; 09-11-2012 at 08:55 PM.
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