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Old 09-10-2012, 07:11 PM
Terra's Avatar
Terra Terra is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 11
Default Is this poly FAIL?

My husband and I have been together for 21 years, and married for 19. Our relationship became progressively sexless about 15 years ago, though I did not wish it to be so. We had therapy, had bouts where he tried to physically connect again, but it never lasted long. We began drifting further apart, though we rarely fought, and mostly got along. I slipped and had an affair. After 3 months, the guilt was weighing on me, so I ended the affair, and insisted we get back into marriage counseling. Shortly thereafter, he suggested we open up our relationship to others. At the time, I was not sure about it, but felt I did not have the right to complain after my mistake, and was actually curious to try it, anyway. He soon connected with a high school girlfriend who was married but open, and they have been seeing each other every other month or so since (she lives about 7 hours from us). I had a few dating scenarios that didn't go anywhere, but am currently dating a couple who are new to polyamory. I met him first via a mutual hobby, found out he had permission to have a girlfriend, began to date him, then met his wife, connected well with her, and the three of us decided to try dating.

My problem is this- my husband approached me about 5 months ago, said he loved me but was no longer "in love" with me, and wanted to separate. He said he was in love with his girlfriend, but the girlfriend has no plans to leave her husband. He said he no longer thought of me as "primary". My heart was broken, and I grieved for the future of our 6 year old daughter. Shortly thereafter, he came to me, said he made a horrible mistake, wasn't sure what came over him, and asked me to forgive and forget. I forgave, but I could not forget. He continued to press me to let the hurt go and to trust him again, and he made some strides to reconnect sexually. At first, it was as if we were having a second honeymoon, but, within a couple of months, he drifted again. One month ago, he again told me he was no longer in love with me, that he just didn't have it in him to try, and felt we should stay together as friends for a few more years, as we cannot afford to keep up 2 residences and we feel we want to give our daughter an intact home as long as we can. I am in more pain than I have ever been in my life. I still love him and it is a living hell to be under the same roof with someone who is no longer in love with me. My couple has also pulled back temporarily, as they feel I need some space to process everything going on. They have been there for me as a support system, and we talk almost every day, but I am currently without lovers.

My question is this: is it common in polyamorous relationships for someone to quickly fall in love with another to the degree that they wish to leave a long-time relationship? And how is that poly, if one replaces another? That sounds more to me like serial monogamy. I am beginning to suspect that he is not truly poly, while I am able to care for and desire others without my love for my husband diminishing. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I was able to live with the idea of my husband's girlfriend as long as I believed that he loved me, but now I find myself feeling threatened and jealous. To that end, I am baking cookies when he goes to visit her and communicating occasionally via FB messaging, but I find myself feeling resentful of the situation. It's not miserable all the time- in some ways, we are connecting better as friends than we did in a romantic relationship, but my heart hurts.
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