Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 09-07-2012, 05:45 PM
Pliglet Pliglet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 45
Default

Thankyou! It's fascinating to see what/how other people mitigate risks :-)
__________________
Our FMFTriad + 3 children + 2 pets = one crazy household
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 09-07-2012, 06:54 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,255
Default

Hmm, a bit overwhelming to see things laid out like this, isn't it? Not a criticism, just seeing a chart like this has me wondering about how one can be cognizant of stuff like this, operate more safely, and yet still feel a sense of spontaneity. Nobody likes to think about shit like disease when they're about to get jiggy with someone, but we must. How to balance, in sex, the seriousness with enjoyment and fun is what I always find frustrating.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 09-07-2012, 09:16 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Nobody likes to think about shit like disease when they're about to get jiggy with someone, but we must. How to balance, in sex, the seriousness with enjoyment and fun is what I always find frustrating.
I think that's why it's vital to talk about it before the foreplay starts, and make sure everyone understand the "rules of combat" before you dive in. That way it's easier for folks to keep those hard limits in the backs of their minds and make sure that they don't go there. Last thing you want when you are in the zone and horny as hell is to be reminded that you are about to break a boundary....
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 09-08-2012, 10:10 PM
lovefromgirl's Avatar
lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
Posts: 353
Default

Downloaded the chart, Anne. Thanks so much for posting the link! Even if we have our own established boundaries, it's good to get a look at what other people do.
__________________
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner }
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 09-09-2012, 10:17 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 821
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, a bit overwhelming to see things laid out like this, isn't it? Not a criticism, just seeing a chart like this has me wondering about how one can be cognizant of stuff like this, operate more safely, and yet still feel a sense of spontaneity. Nobody likes to think about shit like disease when they're about to get jiggy with someone, but we must. How to balance, in sex, the seriousness with enjoyment and fun is what I always find frustrating.
Well it is...clinical and unsexy, but I have a health care background which factors in. I wouldn't hand it out on the third date or anything, its for me & my husband. I'd just gladly share it with a partner if they wanted to see it,, or their partners were concerned about "can I trust this new person to practice safe sex?" I liken it to one of the kink checklists available that a lot of people use for negotiation. A bdsm relationship of any sort would involve using that to discuss & share interest/disinterests, and what is on and off the table - cuts down on misunderstandings, even if it makes you blush. I didn't actually end up sharing either that or this chart with my boyfriend until we were dating for awhile and he said he'd be interested in seeing them.

Truthfully, my goal isn't to operate from a sense of spontaneity at ALL. Neither my husband or I are "jump into things" sort of people (me ever, he used to be and it usually came with regrets), and even if we were, then we'd still be able to jump into INTERcourse with condoms pretty much after an STI discussion, just not fluid exchange activities. That gives us the chance to have generalized safe sex discussions early on with a partner, and save the deeper discussions/other activities for later. If I were single I'd strike out all the F/F barrier stuff, so I really do consider this a "very "sensible" safe risk limiting safe sex chart for a sexually open couple"

We had much more vague guidelines at first, but my husband's first two girlfriends had two different STI's so we decided that black and white agreements were in order after the frenzied internet searching for facts and statistics stemming from that. He also tends to date women who have 4-5 other partners at a time (including swinging and casual fuck buddies, so that impacted it too, rather mitigate risk than limit who he dates). I also have the added burden of being HSV2- when my husband is +, having a boyfriend who is - and will have to stop having sex with me if I become +, so my activities hinge on trying to reduce my risk as much as possible, cause...I'd sure hate that to happen, I'm kinda fond of the whole sex thing myself.

I've also found knowing just what is/isn't OK within the framework of the chart can keep me from taking risks I might be tempted to otherwise, whether it be OMFG this person is so hot I want..., or OMG I had three drinks and want to %#$@ on the hood of this car here... I'm 100% responsible for what I've agreed to with that chart, so sticking to it keeps me from regretting things that otherwise I might just be stupid enough to do
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 09-09-2012 at 05:53 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 09-09-2012, 08:08 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default

Seeing others' limits is making me think about mine again. I was pretty comfortable with my choices. I don't sexually interact with people who have any communicable STIs. I'm not comfortable with that risk. I would also stop engaging sexually with a partner who had a communicable STI that could not be treated.

I am fluid bonded with my husband and my lover. My H has no other partners. My lover uses condoms with everyone but me (3 women). I use condoms with any other partners for penetration, but don't use barriers for oral or manual sexual contact.

Am I really carrying that much more risk than the rest of you?
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 09-09-2012, 08:21 PM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 821
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
Am I really carrying that much more risk than the rest of you?
No. I am guessing at least 85% of people (and probably more) with multiple partners just stick to "use condoms with other partners" including most people who posted on this thread.

I also don't think my guidelines on how to approach new partners with unknown risk factors is the same as what is eventually negotiated when relationships actually happen and you have a better handle on how the other people practice poly and safe sex. After being warned by husband's HSV2+ girlfriend about more than one poly male on OKCupid admitting to her they lied to potential partners about having HSV2 because they didn't think it was a big deal, I figured I'd rather mitigate risk than be sorry after the fact.

Other than wanting to avoid HSV2 for the reason I mentioned earlier in the thread (and that's really the only reason, I could care less if I get it, as I'm not immuno supressed) I worry about oral cancer, or girl or boy bits cancer from HPV, but regular dentist and doctor visits help screen that stuff early.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 09-09-2012 at 08:31 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 09-09-2012, 08:26 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default

That is sad that they'd lie about it. Seems at odds with the idea that poly people are supposed to be open and honest.

That almost makes me feel safer to have casual sex with men who are cheating on their wives rather than poly. It's illegal to hide the fact that you have an STD and I bet they'd have a hard time explaining a call from Public Health.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 09-09-2012, 09:47 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,255
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
It's illegal to hide the fact that you have an STD and I bet they'd have a hard time explaining a call from Public Health.
Really, that's illegal in Canada? I wonder if the laws we have in the states that protect one's personal health information, right to privacy, and freedom of speech make it possible for people not to reveal that stuff if they don't want to. I am pretty sure it is not illegal here.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-09-2012, 09:49 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default

It is illegal to engage in sexual activity with someone and lie or fail to disclose a transmittable STI prior to that, yes. At least in Ontario.

The right of your sexual partners to be safe trumps the right to privacy.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
fluid bond, safer sex

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:21 AM.