The Rise of PolyPhony
I can already see the usefulness and need for having a lifestory blog here, because I intend to go the distance, however I am admittedly at the very cusp of my journey. Thoughts and events are bubbling to the surface, as I grow, or "open up", as a possibly Poly person, and I think it would be useful to journal here whenever I can, and at times get some reflection from the community, keep me in check if necessary, and gain any direct perspective through that process.
BACKGROUND / ORIENTATION
I am a man in my mid-thirties, who is straight as an arrow. But that's not to say that I am rigid. I'm not curious, but if my girls wanted to play with a man and had some fantasy I could help them with, I have no fear of another man. But it wouldn't change how much I love women. I was raised by a single mom, who was widowed, along with my half-sister, and eventually through re-marriage I gained two more step sisters. My mom really was always proud of me and stood up for me, and that coupled with all the girl power in the house carved me out as a real Momma's Boy (a boy or man who puts women on a pedestal and puts them first, even before themselves). I later worked through this problematic personality disorder in order to regain balance and healthy relationships in my life. I thankfully haven't become the opposite, but I do have some real opinions on the purposes of Man and Woman and how to make that flow work. I believe in Gender Roles, but if I have to be the minority in that belief, that's ok, I still allow the freedom for other ways in the world and I accept them. So these are opinions for myself, and I try not to project them onto others, but I do get philosophical about it sometimes and others can get offended for me bringing up such hot topics. I've been called a Male Chauvinist and a Machista, but I don't think I fit the typical mold for that, as I don't work out, I really hate sports, I don't drink beer or any alcohol socially, and I don't like hanging out with guy friends...at all. A lot of Male Chauvinists will go out together drinking, they might talk about how to keep their women in line, or do worse towards women while they are together. I don't identify with that at all, and I would stand up for women in those spots.
I will talk more about how I came to the realization that I am Poly-minded in this Lifestory Blog, but for now it's important to note that I very much identify with it, and at the time of this posting, I am a Poly Virgin. I have not yet experienced anything full-on-Poly, actually. Right now it's a concept that agrees with me, and my wife-to-be and I are experimenting with me opening up and it scares the living hell out of her. So far she has only been able to entertain the idea of a threesome (in the swinging sense). And because I have always given her her freedom, she has experimented more with the threesome and bi-curious tendencies, or basically getting together with others sexually, than I have. I have yet to experience a sexual threesome which for me would wind up being more about Poly than Swinging, but to each his own. But the reason I am starting this Lifestory Blog so early in, is we are planning on our own threesomes any day now, and I believe this will be one step in my journey of opening up to Poly.
Many serious life changes are being discussed. I have children from my previous marriage, and my fiancee and I have one child from this one, and she has two daughters from before, one of which was living with her grandparents and has no father present, so I have embraced the role and moved her into our home. That is a complicated long story I can get deeper into another post.
ARROGANT and EGOTISTICAL
I'll be forthright and inform any readers that I have a bad habit of either coming across as arrogant, or being arrogant, and that although that I'm aware of it and it bothers me that I do that, it's very hard for me to temper down. So my apologies to all who just are turned off at the outset of anything I say because it's loaded with arrogance. I am aware of that negative side of myself, and I work everyday to be better in that respect. I just recommend you take everything I say with a grain of salt, and if you could just look deeper into my journey you should find some real interesting emotions, thoughts, that are actually worth sharing despite them being cloaked in any arrogance. That said, I really will always be trying to do my best to keep that down. But sometimes I go back and read what I wrote later and can't believe how egotistical and arrogant I sound. I don't like it, but I own it, and I take full responsibility for it.
My biggest intention with sharing as a concept, in life, is to make this world a better place through learning from each other's mistakes, and being able to stand on each other's shoulders, so that none of us have to embark on our journey's like we're back in the stone age. I don't know what it is about me, but I love to share. I always have. I never fought about toys as a child. And it always makes me happy to make someone else happy, first, before I think of myself.
I have a strong "compersive" core (no idea if this is a proper inflection of the coined word compersion). I have had that attribute my whole life, and the discovery of Poly has been a wonderful realization that the way I am has an outlet that can be accepted when it comes to Love and Intimacy. I never liked that I had to limit my love output. I've often been too much for women I was with, eventually smothering them or getting other destructive results because of my needs to express love. I rarely if ever experience Jealousy or Envy, and if I do I immediate switch the feelings over to happiness and joy for the other person. My feeling is, if it makes you happy, go do it, I'm happy for you, genuinely. Even in the cases where something that might make me jealous has occurred and the person who participated in it is not happy with what they've done or chosen, I find myself only feeling sad for that person. I never feel threatened or afraid... of my path in life, if someone else should not want to be a part of it (jealous potential), or if someone else has something that I want (envy potential). RE: Envy, my feeling is that if I have not earned the thing myself, than I do not wish to steal or lie or cheat to get it.
Ever since the first time I was caught lying to my mother at age 7, I just could not ever handle lying again. I have screwed up more relationships being honest about my feelings than I could have kept together if I was not so open and truthful. And so many situations at work, and in life. It seems this world spins better with lies. Well, I don't want to be a part of that. I don't believe that is good behavior. I have told white lies, and I have lied by omission, but I still prefer to tell the truth and get what I deserve for what I have earned. I don't like making myself out to be different than I am, nor do I think anyone should have a right to anything they haven't earned or don't deserve.
AMBIGUOUS / FREEFLOWING
Sometimes I may say something that just doesn't register. That could be because many thoughts are coming into my head at the same time and I'm trying to get them all down and sometimes they interact and what I express turns out to be only understandable by me or by a VERY PATIENT PERSON, lol. Heck sometimes I go back and read it later, and think: "what the hell was I getting at?" and even I can't figure it out. But I think this "Lifestory Blog" format is a great place for me to just throw plaster at the wall and see what sticks and becomes a part of my true life story.
I will also sometimes talk out of my ass! lol ... I'm going to just say that right at the outset. However, I do have a high IQ and whatever I'm purporting comes from a place of being a sensible, experienced, logical "guess". We all talk that way sometimes, otherwise we would sound like scientific robots, but sometimes I do it with big things...important things....subjective things. I can be found to make giant magically broad statements about things I believe later to only be shot down for it having holes (exceptions) or that I was offensive to groups who are sensitive to the otherwise.
OPINIONATED / OFFENSIVE
I can't please everybody at the same time, and I'm pretty opinionated. I am a strong personality to deal with in real life. Although I am mild mannered, I have a very strong active mind with a uniquely developed set of values. They will often not agree with your values. One of my own personal tenets of life philosophy is being original. So I try and adopt my own ideals based on my own theories. I don't really believe anything anyone says. I have to figure out the "why" on my own, and than I figure out to believe it or I don't.
God is a great example of me believing only what I think for myself. I'm open to the idea that there is one, but I live my life quite fine embracing the reality that I experience. I was born Russian Orthodox, I was raised Born Again Christian. I didn't like how everyone would sing the same words together in church...because I hated the concept of not being original. It was very demonic to me, like a cult, and I could not identify with it. However I did pick up all the bible's lessons in Sunday school, and some of the ones that made sense, I adopted...like "treat others how you would like to be treated" (is that in there?). Later I got married and converted to Judaism for 10 years. After that divorce I experimented with Catholicism and I liked the charm of it. It felt very grand and well thought out. Unlike Christianity which seemed like it could take place in a trailer park, Catholicism almost always had a similar visible beauty in the different churches (if that's what their called). Ultimately I just don't feel drawn to religion mainly because it's mass dogma and I like to think for myself.
Last edited by PolyPhonic; 09-09-2012 at 07:59 PM.
|opening up, opening up a marriage|