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  #11  
Old 09-08-2012, 01:13 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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My feeling is it never hurts to give second chances especially when she had reason to believe what she was saying was true. If he's owned up to her part, and it sounds like she's trying to meet you halfway and perhaps own up to her part...which can be difficult when you realize you spoke wrongly even though you truly believed it...then it seems like a good idea to try. If it doesn't work, at least you gave it a fair shot.
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  #12  
Old 09-08-2012, 04:52 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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As already addressed to a degree, one plus I see to letting her try making friends with you is that communication on what's ok and where things are going would have a better chance of being clear. She could hear directly from you how things are going and vise versa. The current problem seems to have stemmed from poor communication, and this could help that.
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  #13  
Old 09-08-2012, 11:53 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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LR, you asked for my comments on this, so before I log off and take a break from this place for while in order to not rip certain people's heads off, I will answer.

Smack talk about anyone behind their back is problematic, and all too common in today's society. If someone has something to say, they need to say it to my face, at least. I don't care whether it's true or not - the same rule applies. If it's untrue, I then have the chance of correcting their misperception. The problematic part is that if they are doing that about another, then what are they saying about you to others. It doesn't say a lot for the person's trustworthiness to be doing this. It is part of the concept of self-mastery that I believe is really important (along with controlling temper and not knee-jerk reacting to situations). That is her problem, and something that you may be able to educate her on, if you ever get the chance.

The biggest issue, though, is how your partner managed this. If he hadn't managed this badly, none of this would have happened. I am not just talking about breaking boundaries, it's that she had no clue what was going on, and probably assumed the worst.

Taking your issues and discussing them with someone who is not involved is problematic for me too, especially if it is someone that may turn out to be part of a lasting relationship or friendship. He did you no favours by doing this. I will never go bitching to another about an issue that I am having with one of my partners - that is *our* business.

All of this kind of puts you on the back foot with this.

I see nothing wrong with extending a hand of acquaintance with this person, in order to get to know her and find out what her true values are. I would be quite cautious. Is this person poly? If you mentioned that I missed it. If not, you obviously have a lot of work to do.

So I guess my advice would be to try it out, and see if you can get a fresh start with her and do a bit of a reset.

Hope this helps.
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  #14  
Old 09-09-2012, 02:02 AM
Raiff Raiff is offline
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I suggest sitting down and talking to her. Like any situation, just forget about him and everything external to what YOU TWO have going on. Treat her like any potential new friend, find out why she did what she did, and just start trying to build a friendship.

If it doesn't look viable, just stop talking to her.
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  #15  
Old 09-09-2012, 06:08 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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Ciel-yes she is poly and, I happen to be struggling with exactly the issues you stated. I recognise the cause as being definitively his, but her behavior is.... Not the type I look for in friends.
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  #16  
Old 09-09-2012, 06:27 AM
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Raiff-sound advice if I had any real personal interest in befriending her. But, I do not. If this were a 'not pertaining to him' scenario-I would never sit down to talk to her. That opportunity of potential interest in getting to know someone goes right out the window with trash talking.
The friendships I maintain tend to be with people I've been friends with 20+years. Primarily because my interest in bothering to get to know someone, if it means dealing with unnecessary drama, dropped to nothing about 12 years ago.
So, in this case, her behavior the first few times we met, (before the trash talking and drama) was so... Hyper and needy whilst proclaiming to be very independent, that I was turned off of even hearing her voice. Who she is, has a lot in common with who I was 20 years ago. But, I have changed A LOT in those years.
I am much more secure about who I am, awAre of what I need and want, less outgoing, less 'wild', more prone to sitting at home playing cards or scrabble with my kids, uninterested in 'proving myself' in social activities or sports.
So, while I can grant her a smile of familiarity because I remember when I felt the competitive need to run faster, play harder and generally be the best at everything, and the underlying insecurity that drove me to be boastful and act over confident- I am no longer that way AND no longer interested in participating in the high maintenance relationships that go with that.

Thus, being poly, I feel I may owe it to my SO and her, to give her a chance again-because it was his fault things went the course they went AND he's done a shitload of self-work to fix his shit, claim it, correct it and clean up the fallout from it ..... I have no personal interest in developing a relationship with this young lady or her circle of friends.
Thus my quandry.
I am not prone to maintaining acquaintance relationships. I have deep, long lasting friendships, and two lovers. But, people who I am not interested in getting close to, I just don't socialize with.
But, in this case, I feel a responsibility to make an effort to develop a... Friendly acquaintance with her, for my SO and her sake. I'm not really sure how to do that. The 'rules of engagement' that I use in life, don't include that.

For people I consider strangers, I have 'polite'. But, I don't have 'waste my time and energy engaging this person I have already established I am uninterested in having as a close personal friend' rules. Because-I don't do that.

Not trying to sound crass, but I'm not hard up for friends and I already lack the time to spend the amount of time I would like with the ones I have. So adding more to my list isn't a high priority. Furthermore, if I am going to add any to my list, I'm not likely to ever choose ones that are dramatic, tempermental, needy, high maintenance-HEADACHES for me.


Short version, I wouldn't dream of looking to be friends with her.
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  #17  
Old 09-09-2012, 06:40 AM
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Do you need to be friends or just friendly? You may have different expectations, but I don't need to be BFFs for a metamour relationship to work.
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  #18  
Old 09-09-2012, 08:35 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Thus, being poly, I feel I may owe it to my SO and her, to give her a chance again-because it was his fault things went the course they went AND he's done a shitload of self-work to fix his shit, claim it, correct it and clean up the fallout from it ..... I have no personal interest in developing a relationship with this young lady or her circle of friends.
Thus my quandry.
I am not prone to maintaining acquaintance relationships. I have deep, long lasting friendships, and two lovers. But, people who I am not interested in getting close to, I just don't socialize with.
But, in this case, I feel a responsibility to make an effort to develop a... Friendly acquaintance with her, for my SO and her sake. I'm not really sure how to do that. The 'rules of engagement' that I use in life, don't include that.
I wonder if he hadn't messed up, and it was just somebody he wanted to date that you didn't want to know, would you be making as much effort to extend an olive branch and get to know them?

If you don't like acquaintance relationships (and I am not fond of them at all myself) but are pretty sure she wont _ever_ be a close friend, then what comes from this attempt at friendly? Is it just to make him and her feel better, to let her realize she's an idiot for being such a bitch, or is it to take the high ground? (Not sure I'd take the high mature ground based on what you said, so good for you! I figure somebody who talks shit once to anybody but their best friends in private, may be likely to repeat the same behavior)

I have no advice, except, you don't owe her (or your SO) any more than you would if she was just a non smack talking person who wanted to be involved with your partner, that you didn't really want to have anything to do with because of personality differences.
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  #19  
Old 09-09-2012, 07:42 PM
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No, if he hadn't screwed up-at this point I would not be making an effort. But, his behavior left her feeling unwelcome by me.

The purpose of this effort would be so that she could know that it is ok with ME if he invites her to socialize when we have a BBQ for exAmple, or to participate in activities I may or may not wander into.

Currently she doesn't feel she can accept the invite. Rightfully so. I don't need or want friendship for that to happen- i just need a lack of conflict and respect for me in the form of not talking crap, not invading my personal space (bedroom) and not undermining my authority with my kids.

However, the people I invite are all clise friends to me-she feels weird because I don't treat her the same. I'm not a hostess type. I'm a 'kitchens there' type. So I flutter through my friends talking and enjoying myself. They are all friends too. So they do the same thing. No one needing me to hold their hand through the socializing part of being here. She doesn't know the. (yes I make introductions) and senses that she is an outsider. Which, she is.

For her sake and SO I feel compelled to at least address the previous conflict, put it to rest, outline for her what she can/can't expect from me and what I expect from her (respect and manage her own shit via SO, not me, I'm not her hostess or buddy), and address that yes she is welcome to accept invites from him without concern regarding me 'not approving' and if she has a question or concern regarding me-bring it to me, not ramble to others hoping for a solution.


I expect this is goig to be uncomfortable for both of them actually. Because they 'make friends' quickly. Meet, greet and sudden bff. I do not. She has a tendency to want to educate me on how to change. I find it highly annoying. My attitude is , 'go make friends at light speed. I will be here relaxing, homework done and enjoying a good book when you return'.
I feel pressured to be her new bff-because 'it would be so nice for the families to hang out together'.
My mind replies-'i dont know you well enough to consider you a friend and what does that have to do with beig able to hang out?'

I watch people and over time learn their predictable behaviors. Eventually, that may result in feeling secure and safe in sharing my internal
Mental workings and developing friendship. But Im slow.

I knew DH 10 yrs before we started dating. Altogether we have 24 yrs.
Bf-20 yrs all together.
4friends-25 yrs
2-23 yrs
2-18 yrs and the wife of one of those has become a dear friend, know. Her 15 yrs.

Thats my core social group. There are people ar the college. Known theem almost 2 yrs, we r in the same lgbt club. One is becoming a friend. He's come by to visit, we've gone to his bday celebrations, i have never gone to his home. I have met his family.

Shrug. Im just not social the way this young lady is any more. And while dh isnt really social, when he's attrActed he tends to go from introductions to sex in less than a month. Whereas I would not consider sex until I have developed a solid friendship which can take 2-5 years.

Not a big deal-as long as they respect that the 'closeness and conne tion' they feel, is theirs, not mine and does not immediately result in the privileges of deep friendship WITH ME that they have with one another.
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  #20  
Old 09-09-2012, 09:07 PM
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It sounds like she has unreasonable expectations of you. If you are not one to buddy-buddy with every metamour, nor be the BFF/Hostess type, then don't be. You can be courteous without being her friend. If she can't handle who you are, that's her issue to deal with, not yours. Don't twist yourself into knots trying to be something you aren't. Just be yourself, and go with what your gut tells you.
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