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  #41  
Old 09-02-2012, 11:37 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
No, dammit, I'm only tiny on the outside.
I'll just start calling you "TARDIS-girl"!


I have ranted many times about me being in the minority because I am "just poly" - I don't do SCA, am not Pagan, am not into Kink (in the traditional definition), don't really want anything that Swinging offers. Have no problem if others want that, but it really does seem like I am the rarity.

I have seen some pretty messed-up folks hiding their dysfunction under the guises of poly or kink (or both). The idea of actually having stable relationships *before* starting into things like this seems to escape them.
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  #42  
Old 09-07-2012, 05:19 PM
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Default Sometimes it just can't work out.

I feel bad when I have to explain to a nice person, for a second time (!), that we have fundamental incompatibilities. It's a letdown for both of us, though I'm strong enough not to try and get around the stuff that will never work. I accept what is. Others have a harder time.

But DADT is never an option for me, and I will not sequester my cats (where would I?!) because a lover doesn't like them.

So it goes.
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  #43  
Old 09-08-2012, 05:22 AM
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Default Dear you (and a tangent on kindness)

We never loved in this life, and we probably won't, but we may in the next, and we do in my dreams.

This is enough to keep me happy: just the freedom to love, even if I never say so (again). And it is enough to keep me away except for the odd social occasion. But the joy I feel when I dream, and the energy that extends into my love for CdM, that amazes me. It reassures me that I'm not just looking to share a love. I'm looking to be shared as well.

I don't have to give you up to love him. I don't have to give him up to love you. I can make room in my heart for both loves.

. . .

On ethics, and why I'm being gentle this time:

I remember what it was like to learn hard lessons about privilege. My mother leaned so left she was Red and she advocated a woman's strength to the point of independence (she didn't have the language or the room for interdependence in her life). What she did not have was a grounding in the kind of concepts that the people I knew had studied. Nothing in my second-wave reading had ever taught me that, either. So I crashed and burned hard. I went through waves of my own.

Why should I do this?
Why shouldn't I do this? So reasonable!
Why should I be reasonable? I'm owed reason!
Don't we owe each other reason?
But I miss the old way of doing this!
But you're hurting others!
But I used to know how to do this!
And now I don't?
...no.

So learn.

I see this happening now.

I could have used kindness when it was happening to me.

I am going to try to show kindness now that I recognise the process in someone else.

Fight with me if you want to pick a fight. I know this poly thing pretty well by now. I've processed a lot of my shit and come to own it. Raise your hand if you never had shit to process! -- Why do I not see a room full of waving hands?

Learning how to do this at all is pretty daunting. Try to remember when it was you. In fact, look at your own damn triggers and examine whether you can even tackle the topic from a levelheaded place. I can't debate abortion rights; I can't stay calm, and my bias will always show. I have my reasons. Since I know how I'll react (i.e. RAAAAAGE) I don't get involved.

Then leave the teaching to the people who aren't going to RAAAAAGE.
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  #44  
Old 09-08-2012, 01:44 PM
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In fact, look at your own damn triggers and examine whether you can even tackle the topic from a levelheaded place. I can't debate abortion rights; I can't stay calm, and my bias will always show. I have my reasons. Since I know how I'll react (i.e. RAAAAAGE) I don't get involved.

Then leave the teaching to the people who aren't going to RAAAAAGE.
This is great. I have been guilty into falling into that anger place a few times, and I really have to stop before hitting the button that posts and think about whether what I am saying is really furthering the conversation or just the outpouring of my own stuff. Sometimes I do it better than others.

I think that a sure sign of maturity is the ability to do this most of the time.
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  #45  
Old 09-08-2012, 03:59 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I have seen some pretty messed-up folks hiding their dysfunction under the guises of poly or kink (or both). The idea of actually having stable relationships *before* starting into things like this seems to escape them.
Yup. I've seen it too. And not just polyamory or kink. It boggles my mind when monoamorous people want to engage in a relationship with a partner and have done ZERO work on themselves.

The first tier or relationship in ALL relationship models, IMHO?

The one of (me <--> me).

How do I related me to myself? If I do not know my own self, if I avoid knowing my own self well, then how on Earth am I to articulate my wants, needs, and limits to another person in a monoship? To several others in a polyship? Good golly, in a BDSM kink scene?
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In fact, look at your own damn triggers and examine whether you can even tackle the topic from a levelheaded place.
I've experience emotional flooding at times -- and it is not fun. I agree with CdM -- it is a sign of maturity/self control to recognize "Wait! I'm emotionally flooding now! I cannot continue this conversation in a useful way at this time. I'm checking out to self care, we can regroup when calmer."

And there we go right back to the (me <--> me) tier of relationship, no?

Nobody is perfect all the time. But I think that being self-aware most of the time is a Good Thing and something to aspire to.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-08-2012 at 04:02 PM.
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  #46  
Old 09-08-2012, 04:16 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I've experience emotional flooding at times -- and it is not fun. I agree with CdM -- it is a sign of maturity/self control to recognize "Wait! I'm emotionally flooding now! I cannot continue this conversation in a useful way at this time. I'm checking out to self care, we can regroup when calmer."
I am getting to that point in a certain thread right now - since it has the danger of spilling into other threads, I will probably need to take a big step back for a while, until the tone changes to one that I can contribute to more effectively.
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  #47  
Old 09-08-2012, 05:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I've experience emotional flooding at times -- and it is not fun. I agree with CdM -- it is a sign of maturity/self control to recognize "Wait! I'm emotionally flooding now! I cannot continue this conversation in a useful way at this time. I'm checking out to self care, we can regroup when calmer."

And there we go right back to the (me <--> me) tier of relationship, no?

Nobody is perfect all the time. But I think that being self-aware most of the time is a Good Thing and something to aspire to.
It's been a rough process. I'm looking back at my own behavior toward some people and thinking that I could have given them a little more benefit of the doubt, or backed away and just not gone there. But past is past, and I can't change it.

What I can do is learn from those who have been there and felt that. I appreciate having a term now for that overwhelmed feeling: "emotional flooding". Describes the feeling perfectly. It's like I'm treading water and I left my life vest on the Titanic; I will drown if I don't grab that floating ring. Or climb onto the giant frelling door sailing by, to keep with the theme.

I feel also as if people are only going to know me now as "that woman who defended that misogynist". But I've been there, in my own way, and I can't regret the actions I took. I said what I felt, and if people decided to direct their ire at me, fine. I'll keep being what I consider sensible until I'm popular again or some such.
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  #48  
Old 09-10-2012, 12:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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"Emotional Flooding" -- you can Google it to find coping tips. It is a phrase I wish I had known in my early 20s because it would have given me a better handle on what I was feeling.

But how can you research and understand something that you do not know by name? When you only know you know.... something?

So much easier to find it when you know what it IS rather than finding it when you know what it is NOT.

GG
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  #49  
Old 09-10-2012, 04:54 PM
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Default A funny story that's part of a sad one

I'm watching Gordon Ramsay, right, and he's in the kitchen, so there's lots of dishes clinking and clanking.

Only the clinking continues into the commercials. Well, nobody's going to break in and load our dishwasher. Mum stayed home today.

. . .

They're teetering on the fence between divorce and staying together. It is no easier to watch when you are 26 than when you are 16 or 6. At least when you are 6, you don't know or wonder whether you'll have a roof over your head when all's said and done. Nobody expects you to be strong.

I tried to be strong. I fell on my face. I had a massive panic attack which sort of alerted them to the whole "cannot cope" part. Then I cried, finally, over the change to my happy-ish home. When I cry, it's a bloody torrent. I honk into my handkerchief and boaters on Canandaigua Lake look around for the foghorn.

Nobody's been entirely healthy physically, either. Mum got sick first, then Dad (his wasn't as miserable). I'm trying not to get it. I get flu, I can't move, and I have to be able to see Jessica at St Joseph's tomorrow. This appointment is the key to so many doors: to employment I can manage (love you, VESID), to disability payments, to a psychiatrist costing under $150/appointment. I miss this one and I'm screwed.

So I just won't miss it. Even if I'm drugged to the gills and come in with a piece of paper listing everything I need (in case I am incoherent), by God I'll see this woman and be damned to any flu.

. . .

About the most stable part of my life is the poly. We're living proof that poly/poly/mono works in a V formation. Sure, I'm secondary by practicalities, but love? No, I mean plenty to CdM, and M likes me well enough that her problems are only with the poly side of my existence. So if I'm dull, it's because we're fine.

We're the part that works.
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  #50  
Old 09-16-2012, 02:11 PM
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Default DADT? Naaah, it's just cheating.

There is, she says, a COLOSSAL FUCKING DIFFERENCE between poly and what's going on right now behind my mother's back.

It is NOT "don't ask, don't tell" if you DIDN'T ASK your original partner whether zie consented to that arrangement. Which she didn't.

A short thought? A short temper.
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