missing monogamy, wondering how to proceed

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by apophis

I disagree . . .

<<YAWN>>

Oh, looky, another pedantic post from you chastising other members on how they should be posting. Sorry, zero interest here.

[Josie]

I think this discussion may have gone a little off topic.

Nycindie: I think that apophis probably did misinterpret exactly what you mean when asking your questions but I can see why he did. I have been reading posts on here most nights for a couple months and have found that initially a lot of your posts can come across a accusatory at 1st but upon further inspection - they are not meant that way. I think a lot of your word choices have negative connatations, so sometimes the true meaning and intention of helping can be misconstrued. I completely sympathise with how it can be annoying when people do misunderstand in such a way, it happens to me all the time, but try not to get too mad apophis because if your comments had been meant in the way he percieved them then his comments would have been quite justified. I just think it became a bit of a misunderstanding.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Josie

Nycindie: I think that apophis probably did misinterpret exactly what you mean when asking your questions . . . but try not to get too mad . . .

Oh, I'm not mad at all. Why would a stranger's opinions be that important to me that I would be mad? I'm already bored with apophis's whole manner of attacking members' posts under the guise of "intellectual critique." Like I said, big yawn.

I do hope Turtleheart got some useful info from the thread, however.

[turtleHeart]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Would you also feel so short-changed if Ginko spent lots of time with a platonic friend and focused lots of attention on him or her?

I would generally be concerned if anything started taking large swaths of Ginko's time/attention and would look for a way to be a part of it or see how to reduce/deal with the problem, just as she would if I became less available. I married someone with the clear intent that we'd be free to do most anything with each other outside of work/school.

Friends are generally fine in that they mostly seek us out as a couple, but if they started seeking Ginko out so much that it was cutting into our time together, we'd need to discuss how to deal with it, as our schedules only line up so much as it is with school/work schedules. Still, if something is important to her I do my best to be ok with it, as I don't want to limit her. The main reason this is even being discussed is because she doesn't just want to date J, she wants me to be happy with the situation, and if I can't be happy with it she doesn't want to date J.

Originally Posted by nycindie

I do hope Turtleheart got some useful info from the thread, however.

Thank you :-) Even simply writing things out on here has been helpful for me. I do appreciate the mature comments of everyone here.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by turtleHeart

I think I prefer the closeness of being monogamous with one person (and having them be monogamous with me), but am seeing right now if the chance to have access to the divided energy of multiple people can be enough for me....

Why don't you try the closeness of being polyamorous with multiple partners?

I enjoy just as much intimacy with my wife when I have another partner as I did when it was just the two of us without any other partners. I also enjoy that deep intimacy with my bestie (with whom I'm in love and not involved) and with my amorata. I have three ladies with whom I share a close bond.

There's no divided energy involved. I have multiple close, caring, supportive relationships.

You may want to try it sometime.

[turtleHeart]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

Why don't you try the closeness of being polyamorous with multiple partners?

I've been open to the possibility of becoming closer to multiple people, having tried it for the past year, and maybe it just needs more work and possibly different partners (other than my wife). So far I have a number of friends I'm cuddly with as a group, but few people I'd see one on one, and none as often as I'd need to in order to really build something.

I generally think that for a romantic relationship to be fulfilling (to me) I'd need to regularly see them at least once or twice a week, no matter how busy or hectic life may be, and my life will be rather busy for the next couple years with school and work, meaning a lot of effort will go into even just having enough quality time with Ginko. It's possible that I'm mostly bothered by flakiness, as many of my challenges have come from things not going according to schedule, with dates starting/ending late, or not happening at all. Nothing unique to polyamory in that regard, except that it can be experienced with more people.

My wife's new work schedule will be leaving a number of evenings open for me to be on my own, so I may have more motive to venture out again and see who I meet (when I'm not busy studying).

[LovingRadiance]

Turtle-

I just wanted to tell you that I think it's awesome that you are working on things. I have enjoyed reading your posts.
(I admit to skipping most of the other commentary).

I don't have any specific advice or suggestions, I just wanted to say that I appreciated reading about someone proactively addressing the complications and issues that arose from a poly situation.

[turtleHeart]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

Turtle-

I just wanted to tell you that I think it's awesome that you are working on things. I have enjoyed reading your posts.

Thank you :-) I consistently look forward to and enjoy your posts.

[turtleHeart]

Things are still moving along. New work and school schedules have made it challenging for Ginko and I to see much of each other except on weekends, freeing up time to see other people. Neither of us would let other relationships take so much time from our own, but we're putting up with it for now since it's part of moving forward in our careers and not permanent. It's tough. If polyamory is something that can work for me, now may be the time to find out. I'd still pick time with Ginko over time with anyone else, but with that not being so much of an option right now I'm seeing what it's like to build more connections with others, and have been seeing a friend more for almost a month.

I still get along with J, Ginko's OSO, and actually look forward to hanging out with him on occasion, though we don't see a lot of each other. I'm fairly used to the current amount of time/energy that goes into their relationship and seem to have adapted to a degree. Ginko and I have reclaimed our weekends, so we're no longer spending most of that time with J. Part of my current comfort may be due to the fact that J is too busy to hang out much more right now. We'll have to see how I feel if/when he becomes less busy again and wants more time.