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Old 08-24-2012, 04:04 PM
marriedwithbenefits marriedwithbenefits is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7

Keep us posted on how your conversation and trip go! would love to hear about the resort you are going to. We talked about the 4 of us going and observing others, rather than participating, and how the 4 of us would be able to be together without hiding etc but it has never materialized. wishing you the best
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Old 09-03-2012, 05:26 PM
JMJP JMJP is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3
Default And another Unicorn comes into the world...

Hello all,

I am new to the forum and poly. Just over a month ago my wife and I started, (is "dating" the right word?) another couple. Dating seems so mild a word.

We are two married couples. Each couple met young and have a very strong bond. We've been married to our respective spouses for well over 10 years, have kids, etc.

We've been friends for a while and we all knew there was a deeper connection and wanted to develop a closer friendship. A bit over a month ago the wives were having a frank conversation about sex drive and sexual fantasies and one brought up the idea that the four of us could be sexually compatible. None of us had had sexual relationships outside of our marriage before. None of us really wanted to "swing" (as in "casual and fairly anonymous sex") but were interested in experimenting with friends. So, we got together for a night of friendly sex, started to realize just how completely compatible we are and WHAM! We weren't expecting the emotion and intensity. "Friendly sex" turned in to "what the hell is this emotion? This is awesome!". A week later we were discovering and admitting that this looks a lot like polyamory.

We've been avidly reading what we can while still recognizing that we're making things up as we go along. A lot of what we read in other sources is about triads or dating outside the primary relationship. While there are interesting lessons there, neither of these seems particularly applicable to us. We're hungry to hear of other experiences similar to ours, books, links, articles, whatever. We're reading "The Ethical Slut" and "Opening Up" is next on the list and looking for other ways to get information. Anything anyone wants to share or link to will be appreciated. There are so many books that some guidance on what might be best would be very helpful.

We're only "out" with a few close friends and responses have varied from "OK, if you say so" to "I'm so *happy* for you all*. In fact, this email address is only used for poly related sites/lists for all 4 of us -- it's possible you'll see posts from any of us through this account.

We'd love to hear from quads that have been around a while. Specifically, when did the "honeymoon period" wear off (if it has) and what starts changing then, what challenges do you find specific to quads (particularly closed quads of 2 couples).

Gary, we'd love to hear of the balance you've found around the other couples squabbles if you can share it.

We're all intensely jealous of MWB's situation of living right across the street! That would be amazing! At this point it's hell to go as much as 7 whole days without seeing each other. (Yup -- infatuation period big time.) As both couples are still pretty infatuated with just the two we're not really sure if it will ever really wear off for the 4 of us.

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Old 09-04-2012, 07:03 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 12,079

Hey John,
Glad you're here.

Even though the geometry of your polycule is relatively unusual (three-person set-ups are more common), many of the principles remain the same. They sometimes say, "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." That's highly generalized in real life, but the point is you should expect a certain time of "storming" after the "honeymoon phase" is over. Then, don't panic, as a norming phase will in time occur.

That said, I admit that quads sometimes have a hard time holding that configuration, and not dissolving into a trio of some kind. However, you should think in terms of what applies to *you*. Every person is different, and every relationship is different, too.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 09-07-2012, 05:40 PM
1of4 1of4 is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 33

Hi John - I've been meaning to reply. Sorry it took so long. There are at least the 4 groups of quads posting in this thread now. I wonder if we should move the discussion out of Gary's intro thread. Though, thank you Gary for letting us use your thread to all meet

15 months in to our relationship and we're all of us still learning and still feeling things out day by day. Honeymoon period? It isn't yet over for us. To some degree, we're all still feeling the NRE, and sometimes intensely. Probably because we don't get to see each other every day. I agree! MWB's situation living across the street would be amazing! It is really hard for all of us to live so far apart. On the other hand, I think the fact that we are apart during most of the week has probably been good as it has allowed us to still have alone time to nurture our individual marriages.

We all had the talk I referred to earlier. He and I one night last weekend and my husband and her the next night. I'm happy to say we are all on the same page for our vacation together at the end of this month. My talk with him felt SO good! For me, I finally admitted to all my emotions, hopes, and fears...him as well...with both of us tearing up. It was very emotional. But I am so happy to have finally put words to everything I'd been feeling and to have everything out in the open.

As far as rules and boundaries go between the 4 of us...we don't really have any. We're just proceeding cautiously and slowly so nobody gets hurt. We do each spend the whole night with the other spouse at times, but only if the four of us are involved, each couple in separate bedrooms but the same house/hotel. In other words, we've had a couple of times when one of the four of us was away for work or something. We've found that it is okay with all of us if the remaining three get together, but at least for now, not if sex is involved...that is too hard on the fourth person who ends up feeling left out. We also DO have separate "dates" with the other spouse at times. In fact, as I write this my husband is out for lunch with the other wife and next Monday I have a lunch "date" with the other husband.

Squabbles. We haven't really dealt with that all that much. My husband and I rarely fight and never have in front of them. They've had 2 mild squabbles that we are aware of. The first time we cleared out (we were at their house) and gave them their space so they could resolve it. The second time we were just there for them and heard their concerns, but then gave them the space to talk and work it out for themselves (which they quickly did). If the situation reverses, which I'm sure it will eventually, I think we'd want them to do the same for us.

I'm happy to talk, answer questions if I can. And I'll let you all know how the trip goes. This will be the second time we've traveled together. It is SOOOOO nice to be away from home where we don't have to worry about people seeing us and knowing us and can just be ourselves together without hiding. I'm really looking forward to it.

- Em
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