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Old 12-11-2009, 12:31 AM
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Default balance of power in a poly relationships

What about the balance of power in a poly relationship?

In my relationship I am the center of the "V" (with and arm to my tersiary). I have a friend who has two boyfriends and she is in a situation where she is in more a "pong" game. Shuffled back and forth... still again we know a poly family whereby the Wife is the power player and her husband and his girlfriend are not. There is one woman we know that has several live in boyfriends with their wives even and her own husband, AND their kids and her kids....! She runs the show! Hands down.... she decides who is a good fit for their family, and who isn't... even the connections her boyfriends and husbands have with others. They are all okay with it as is she....Very interesting

I hate to say "power" because it is not what I mean, it's for want of a better word... anyone have a better one?

I find it fascinating that these things evolve and take on a evolution all themselves.... my friend says I am the hinge in my relationships because I have the pussy.... hahaha! that isn't true for every poly set up...

Do you think there is a balance of power in your relationship? and if so, who holds it and what does it mean to you?
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Old 12-11-2009, 12:47 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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We each make decisions for ourselves.

I don't think I'd operate under any other power dynamic--certainly not one where somebody else would presume to choose partners for me. Nope, I'd likely have to slow roast and eat anybody who tried to make that sort of decision for me. I keep an extra bottle of BBQ sauce around for that day when I decide to toss the kittehs in the slow cooker and I could use that sauce on somebody trying to make decisions for me.
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Old 12-11-2009, 01:08 AM
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Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
We each make decisions for ourselves.

I don't think I'd operate under any other power dynamic--certainly not one where somebody else would presume to choose partners for me. Nope, I'd likely have to slow roast and eat anybody who tried to make that sort of decision for me. I keep an extra bottle of BBQ sauce around for that day when I decide to toss the kittehs in the slow cooker and I could use that sauce on somebody trying to make decisions for me.
Yes, not my idea of a good time and I want to express NOT how I operate! Still, works for them. It would be too much hard work bossing everyone around.

That is why I didn't want to use the word "power" as its not about control so much as energy flow between people.

Does that make sense?
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:52 AM
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Kitten has the power I'd have to say. We all tread carefully around her. I mainly do so in order to not make things worse on the guys.

The biggest power she has is over the individual relationships. If something were to happen to end things between her and Gator, she has plainly stated that she wouldn't want (allow) Tech and I to still see each other. Nor would she want Tech and Gator to still do things together (they are best friends). She said even that would make her jealous.

To me, that's power. But, I've learned it's the prooce I have to pay for admission as Dan Savage says.
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:00 AM
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I don't mind the word power so I'll stick to using it.

The balance of power is not held by any individual in our relationship. It is held in the path that is in the best interest of your son.

You are the focal point of our relationship.
He is the focal point of our family.

I willingly respect and honor that
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ourquad View Post
Kitten has the power I'd have to say. We all tread carefully around her. I mainly do so in order to not make things worse on the guys.

The biggest power she has is over the individual relationships. If something were to happen to end things between her and Gator, she has plainly stated that she wouldn't want (allow) Tech and I to still see each other. Nor would she want Tech and Gator to still do things together (they are best friends). She said even that would make her jealous.

To me, that's power. But, I've learned it's the prooce I have to pay for admission as Dan Savage says.
Eek! Is that really power? It seems in that sense the dynamics of the relationship are being shaped by the person most able to destroy things. That strikes me as a really difficult thing to sustain.

I sometimes substitute the word power for fuel. In some contexts they are synonymous. Energy flow is about who is providing fuel in what way. That shifts and flows in my relationships. I never get a sense that it affords power one way or another but it clearly keeps energy flowing between us, which is important.

Last edited by Ceoli; 12-11-2009 at 03:30 AM.
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Old 12-11-2009, 07:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ourquad View Post
Kitten has the power I'd have to say. We all tread carefully around her. I mainly do so in order to not make things worse on the guys.

The biggest power she has is over the individual relationships. If something were to happen to end things between her and Gator, she has plainly stated that she wouldn't want (allow) Tech and I to still see each other. Nor would she want Tech and Gator to still do things together (they are best friends). She said even that would make her jealous.

To me, that's power. But, I've learned it's the prooce I have to pay for admission as Dan Savage says.
Care to elaborate on this? I don't get how this would be comfortable or work in the long term. It sounds like it's based on fear of movement and change in your relationship. How come she gets to dictate all that anyways? I can understand that she would have emotions and jealousy, but it doesn't seem healthy for anyone that her emotions and jealousy be the focal point of your relationships together?
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Old 12-11-2009, 09:49 AM
PickMoreDaisies PickMoreDaisies is offline
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Default Shifting 'power'

I think that I like to GIVE the power to the person that happens to be having the most difficulty dealing with issues at that time. I think that it helps to have the feeling that you have some say so when you are having a hard time dealing with things and so I willingly give up the 'say so' when others are struggling. Does that make sense?

I wouldn't want to weild power over someone that i care about at any time really, but i think that it allows the other person to feel that their feelings are heard if they feel capable of making important decisions about the relationship at critical points in it and that those boundaries/feelings will be respected.
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:18 PM
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Power? My gf is a former trained slave and has been more on the sub side in all her relationships. One of my goals is to help her find more personal power. She's in therapy and the therapist says I am the healthiest relationship she's had yet, b/c I am better at communicating than anyone else she's had LTRs with.

My other long term lover is a FWB. He's a lot younger than both of us, and doesnt live w us. Just visits me (and more recently, us) once a month or so. There isnt really any "power" dynamic involved there.

My gf and I both date other people but neither of us has found another serious lasting partner as of yet. But we're having fun trying!
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:33 PM
Tahirabs Tahirabs is offline
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Smile Shared Power?

It is interesting in our house. My husband has the power when it comes to sex and anything intimite in the relationship mostly because he can get very jelouse and the adding of my GF is very new to us (6 months) so she and I want to make him feel as comfortable as possible. Other wise I have the power. When it coems to any scheduling of events or planning anything i am the one to do and the one they both come to to see if they can do something. (WHat are we doing next tues? type thing) Both my husband and my GF (especially my husband) are bad planners and not good at making choices so I have just kind of filled this role. I think this is interesting. Does anyone else share different kinds of power with in your relationships?
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