dealing with liars
Let me apologize in advance for the long post. I am dealing with a situation, and I would love some input from some of you more experienced.
My partner John and I have been together for a little over 3 years. We decided on being poly at the very beginning because we had both been in abusive relationships with cheater. Both of us had a ton of emotional scarring from our previous relationships, but through therapy and a lot of mutual work we have overcome much of the lingering insecurity and pain. We decided honesty and disclosure were #1, and it has worked extremely well.
Recently, however, his ex Ann has come back into the picture. For the past 5 years I have known my partner, his ex has been "The Devil". She cheated on him numerous times, lied repeatedly, then dumped him in a humiliating and painful way. When he started talking to her again, I was extremely surprised, because he has never once said anything positive about her.
Ann started talking to him because she had dumped her boyfriend (the same guy she cheated on John with and left him for), and started going out with a butch woman named Nancy. They soon start exchanging pictures and sexting, which I was fine with, because he shared them with me. What made me uncomfortable was that Ann was not telling Nancy what she was doing. This to me is cheating, even though there was no physical contact.
The drama started when Nancy became violent towards one of her friends, who she thought was flirting with Ann. After the incident, Ann dumped her, and Nancy's stalking behavior started. Ann then decided to visit her home, which is about 1 hour away from where John and I live. I offered for her to stay at our home, and even to pick her up from the airport. When John expressed desire to have sex with her, we talked about it and decided it was okay, as long as he used condoms. I warned him at this point about getting too attached to her again, my reasons being: 1. she lives in a different state and 2. her history of dishonesty.
I'm not sure why she decided to do this (I speculate because she wanted to make him jealous, but I will never know for sure), but Anne instead decided to get picked up by ANOTHER of the men she had cheated on John with, stay at his home and go to a baseball game with him. John begged her not to, threatened that he would not see her if she did, and in general was extremely upset. This was when I realized he still had strong feelings for her, and I tried to talk to him about it, but he was too upset to processes the emotions.
I began to get nervous when he decided to see her, despite the fact she had spent the night at another man's house. This feeling deepened when Ann decided she did not want to meet me. She asked John if I could go somewhere else for the night, so that they could be alone. When he brought this up, I suggested she get a hotel room if she wasn't comfortable staying at OUR home.
She did end up meeting me, and staying with us. Despite her shady behavior, I made a huge effort to be open-minded about her. She apparently "liked me more than she wanted to" according to John. I guess it can be weird to meet your lover's live-in partner. They hooked up a couple of times while she was in town, and I tried to shake my bad feelings about her. (This is hard to do when the person is someone who has hurt you're love over and over again.) I tried.... I really did....
Right before she left to go back to her state, two things came to light. The first was that she was still in love with John and the second was that she had herpes. John and her decided to work on building a relationship, despite all of the drama. Ann said she would be mono, and John promised he would stop texting/getting pictures from other women.
Since she left, things have gone from bad to worse. She has lied to him about who she was with, where she was, etc. He had her install a gps tracker on her smart phone, and CONSTANTLY checks up on where she is. They argue on the phone all the time, and sometimes for HOURS. Last night it got so bad that he deleted her from his facebook (OMG HOW MEAN END OF THE WORLD). But he still is constantly texting her.
Here are my main issues:
1. This drama has set my partner back in the work we had done to overcome his insecurities
2. He is constantly in a bad mood, and doesn't have enough energy to meet my emotional or physical needs.
3. He sets limitations on her, and when she breaks them, there is no repercussions or follow through.
and 4. HERPES... god damnit
TL;DR version: my partner's love is a cheater and a liar, how do I deal with it.
|cheating, lying, std, trust|