Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 09-05-2012, 02:32 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,195
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glitter View Post
So true JaneQ! I hadn't really thought about that...if I attempt to limit what "may" happen, then I can very well miss the opportunity. I think I am worried about bringing in someone else, and how it will affect Storm. But then, he could very well find another and bring her in I think I need to be open to what may happen, because you never know
Thanks for the validation - I was afraid that I got a little to into the "sauce" analogy and failed to notice that we were in the "blogs" section (I usually try not to write such lengthy posts here).

It's true, Storm may get lucky and find his AWESOME sauce on his first venture whereas you may have to wade through gallons of mediocre sauce. I think that acknowledging all of the possibilities helps you from being blindsided by outcomes that were dismissed as being unlikely...because you NEVER know.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 09-05-2012, 02:39 AM
Glitter's Avatar
Glitter Glitter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 115
Default

Oh my, yes, so true! Thank you again, it's truly helpful
__________________
Me: 33 F
Married to: Storm 35 M
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 09-05-2012, 04:07 PM
Storm77's Avatar
Storm77 Storm77 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 24
Default

Well since the night of our HUGE fight I've tried to stay off here, mainly not wanting to loose it and get myself banned As Glitter said I read her posts anyways since she would usually mention she posted something and if I wanted to come on to read it. In our case shes right here so we try to talk about things without making it into a online daytime drama like before lol.

So... even with my feelings of hating Poly, I did feel bad for her feelings when S (Music or whatever she was calling him now) opened his mouth about how she should dump me causing her to just end it on the spot with him.

Further without any mention of Poly my stress level has gone way down and been feeling pretty damn good but... I know that is still what Glitter wants and in a way since it's open for her I would also love to have some good feelings, be it either more sex or fetishes or a love relationship too.

I've also missed how fucking damn good she felt, self-confident, aggressive, etc when she was talking to guys, looking for someone to go out with etc. This even more so since as we opened the door to Poly we also opened the door to other fetishes/lifestyles and the fetish side in me bloody misses that D-side of her

I'm thankful I was given a break and truly HOPE with the poly stuff continuing it will actually go slow this time. ie common sense, friends first, several dates before that OMG I'm so totally in luv feeling takes her over again. She mentioned someone suggested 1 year before considering someone moving in and also maybe hold off on sex till something which is longer than typically the first date no mater "if it counted or not" *ducks*

Quote:
I'm not sure sure if it was ever covered but to explain what I mean by slower...

What happened with S & P (Music and Petal) not sure how many days Glitter talked with Music, I think only a couple. Lets say Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. On Friday they travel in to meet us at our home and have dinner. They act surprised and say they never do this but would we at all be interested in going to their place for the weekend till Monday.

Saturday was very casual and that night Glitter and I talked well how would you feel if... revolving around sex. Glitter says shes really into Music. I said find Petal very attractive and what if she wanted sex? Do I? Do I say no? Basically how are we both feeling about this. If I can obviously Glitter can with Music too. We both agreed if it happens it happens. I still was unsure about Petal but still don't know basically is she a slut based on how she talks and her actions. Twice saying she could get Music a pretty good discount on work done for his car but "but aside from flirting you know I might have to..." (using hand gestures for a blowjob and intercourse) this was after our talk about if sex was ok and pretty much closed off any chance that on my side! At least at that time till I new Petal better.

Now I may be wrong but from my perspective by the time we came home on Monday we were both questioning how good things could be. While at the same time if it'll work out, if they will stay together, if they break up how will that effect us. Then on Tuesday it seemed like Glitter was fully in relationship mode. She changed her profile statuses, updating she has found someone and no longer looking.
So in "taking it slower this time" I mean chat, chat a few times, then if it goes well meet (possibly with BOTH Glitter and I on the first time), then start talking about dates... BEFORE either of us considers it a "relationship" because we are overwhelmed with NRE and thinks OMG this is THE ONE!

We never talked about this but perhaps since we're poly maybe we should both meet whoever a secondary is on the first meeting so they know with me my Wife is part of the picture! For Glitter her Husband is part of the picture! Maybe lessen the chance of being told you should dump your spouse cause I'm SO MUCH better! Which has royally PISSED Glitter off now since it's 2 for 2 with men she had feelings for then to be told maybe she could dump the husband cause they really like her.

I admit being back open to Poly feels like adding a +1 to the stress level (in the thinking how will she handle it this time, will she always fall so hard) but who knows once I even have a few friends if not even a relationship I'm hoping and provided we keep our primary relationship healthy and ALWAYS working on the nasty lil kinks it'll balance out for me in the end.

We went over all our boundaries once again, changing any as needed, adding others. One thing I needed to know what what are We, Myself and She is looking for now?

Is another couple still on the table?
Are we only looking for someone suitable for ourselves?
Could there be one Bi M or F for both of us? (since we are both Bi-curious)

We are both bi-curious. I only for sexually aspects, not sure what she would want/need out of it. Since she is also enjoying learning to be more Dom I suggested maybe a younger bi sub male would work out for both of us. I know heading into that Unicorn thinking now and this might be leading into something more fitting for Fetlife than here.

*shrugs* Honestly I admit it has come up almost every time when I ask her "do you think he's bi?" I guess in my thinking it would be so much easier having only one extra person added to our relationship. At least for now since this is still all so new. It would be bad enough with both of us totally straight and each seeking one of the opposite sex or a couple. I think we both agree we really want to settle the "curious" part in this lifetime LOL.

Ugh it's difficult enough dealing with the way it changes a mono relationship with adding a M for her, F for me or a Cpl for us both. Now add wanting to try a M with me, a F with her. If we form additional relationships with partners in a polyfidelity structure. Then want to explore or add same-sex partners after that how will our first secondaries feel about trying others to settle our curiosities and if those then form into new secondary relationships how would they feel about each other. Would any want to also be involved with each other, how would that effect the feelings of everyone else, etc. I know Polyamory can include many partners and a bigger family. Can ya tell I'm TOO OCD and LOGICAL!? The relationship dynamics makes my head spin LOL :P

Anyways... Not a rant, I actually am still keeping this good mood going for days now without any major drops mood wise.

Kinda leaning to really suggesting we maybe get a lil sampler of sauces to try which we like and on what foods before we we get dinged for the total price for a bigger long-term size jars of just one sauce for each of us.

Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 09-05-2012, 05:24 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 121
Default

I'm on my phone and the quote feature is hard to use on it, so I'm skipping it. But I wanted to address the part of your post, Storm, where you were talking about polyfidelity. It sounds like you feel that if anyone is added for more than just friends with benefits that it will have to be in a polyfidelity situation. You talked a lot about "what if we then want to experiment with being bi, it'll be next to impossible." You do realize that it is possible to have a long term, loving, caring secondary relationship without it being polyfi, right? Sure, it's harder, it means more juggling of time and energy than otherwise, but just because someone besides Glitter is in your life long term doesn't mean it has to be a closed relationship.

The poly cluster I'm a member of has very few polyfi relationships (if any) but that doesn't mean any of us are any less committed to our partners than someone who is in a polyfi relationship. My husband and his girlfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months. My husband's girlfriend is married and has an additional boyfriend who she's been with for over a year. While my boyfriend hasn't dated anyone regularly since we got together, that option is open and he has started dating someone else off and on. Safe sex takes on a special meaning in an open group and time management is sometimes a bitch but it is possible to have long lasting, meaningful relationships that aren't polyfi.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 09-05-2012, 05:58 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,413
Default

Wait a minute -- I'm confused.

Are you guys going to hold off on pursuing poly until after you've worked on your relationship with each other some more, or not?

You both seem really impatient. I think you would benefit from stepping back and building your foundation to be stronger, develop better communication and deepen your intimacy with each other. I see that you both have issues with anger, too. Therapy or counseling would be the next step I see for you two, seriously.

Poly can wait, sheesh! Reconnect with each other before connecting with anyone else. Why in such a hurry?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 09-05-2012, 09:27 PM
Glitter's Avatar
Glitter Glitter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 115
Default

Cindie, we are slowing the fuck down, lol. We both have interests (platonic friends and other activities) that we are pursuing. We've had the talk about having friends first, and seeing how things go. We're not actively "seeking" anyone out, but sometimes things just develop, and we're not going to close the door completely.

We are working on us. Poly is something that brings us closer together, because it forces us to sit and actually discuss the nitty gritty about our relationship. We have a unique relationship, as 90% of the people (and counselors we've seen in the past) have told us. We simply discuss everything. Sometimes other factors get in the way (such as NRE I had with Music, which taught the both of us a much needed lesson), but in the end, it always gets discussed and worked through.

I don't have the time or space to detail our relationship here, but we are solid. Yes, sometimes we argue and then things get vented online. That needs to stop, as so many people take it the wrong way. Better to vent in a journal or something no one else will read. People only get a small view of things when venting happens online.

Neither of us are in a hurry, really. We're not closing the door on poly, we do have an amazing relationship. It's not displayable online, sorry I can't prove it to you. We both have our own issues (Storm has anger issues/depression/possibly bipolar that he is seeing a psychologist for, I have borderline personality/depression/ptsd that I am seeing a psychologist for, we are both seeking a marriage counselor that will take our insurance), but they are not the be-all and end-all of who we are. I apologize if you are confused, but in all honesty, we can't write and accurately lay out who we are on this site. I think that would be a novel instead of a blog, lol!

I'm not pretending that everything is perfect. It isn't. It will never be, lol. We're human, not robots. I don't expect a perfect life with Storm, and I know he doesn't expect it of me. We do discuss our feelings a lot more now, because we do stay in touch with how the other is feeling, especially now that we've opened.

Hannafluke, thank you for that! It's something we've been discussing and trying to wrap our minds around (more Storm than I on that particular subject). Definitely something to talk about more, thank you

And Storm, it wasn't the next day or two...it was more than a week after meeting, we went on a date, then another week when we decided to pursue a relationship together. So no, it wasn't instant
__________________
Me: 33 F
Married to: Storm 35 M

Last edited by Glitter; 09-05-2012 at 09:30 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 09-06-2012, 12:04 AM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,643
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glitter View Post
it wasn't the next day or two...it was more than a week after meeting, we went on a date, then another week when we decided to pursue a relationship together. So no, it wasn't instant
Because a week is sooooo much longer than a day or two. Start thinking in months. To me only a few weeks would seem instant.

Venting is OK, even online, but you have to remember, that people will call you on your shit, even if your "just venting". If we are completely unreasonable and unfair during avent, that can translate into being unreasonable when it actually comes time to find a solution. However, it does help to write it all out, read it and re-read it to see WHERE you are being unreasonable or unfair to your partner. If anonymous people are "taking things wrong" in one of your posts, it is very possible, that your spouse will "take it wrong" also, when you eventually say it out loud. Think of it as a lesson in effective communication. Seriously, this happens at my house all the time. Each of us THINKS we are communicating clearly, only to realize too late, that the other person heard/understood something completely different (different galaxy different). Learning how to communicate well takes practice, which unfortunately also means you screw it up and have to try again and again and again...
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 09-06-2012, 12:28 AM
Glitter's Avatar
Glitter Glitter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 115
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Because a week is sooooo much longer than a day or two. Start thinking in months. To me only a few weeks would seem instant.

I am well aware of that. My point was that I didn't just meet someone and then that same day say we were "in a relationship". It took well over 2 weeks for us to come to the conclusion that we were both interested in moving forward. I wasn't jumping into a full blown LTR with the guy, just saying I was pursuing it.

I would also like to point out, my time line is not your time line. Not saying it won't take months or even years (I expect it will), just saying we all opporate differently and are not all on the same path. I don't assume anything about anyone until I am with them and getting to know them. I didn't change my statuses all over the place, I simply changed what I was looking for. My husband has the most horrible sense of time, seriously. Something (to him) happened weeks ago, actually happened hours ago, and other things (to him) happened instantly, while they took weeks


Venting is OK, even online, but you have to remember, that people will call you on your shit, even if your "just venting". If we are completely unreasonable and unfair during a vent, that can translate into being unreasonable when it actually comes time to find a solution. However, it does help to write it all out, read it and re-read it to see WHERE you are being unreasonable or unfair to your partner. If anonymous people are "taking things wrong" in one of your posts, it is very possible, that your spouse will "take it wrong" also, when you eventually say it out loud. Think of it as a lesson in effective communication. Seriously, this happens at my house all the time. Each of us THINKS we are communicating clearly, only to realize too late, that the other person heard/understood something completely different (different galaxy different). Learning how to communicate well takes practice, which unfortunately also means you screw it up and have to try again and again and again...
Understandable I have no problem with being called out on my shit, because if I am in the wrong, there is no two ways about it. However, I do have to say that what Storm and I talk about in person, is vastly better than what is posted online. I hope people get what I am saying, that we don't post everything here, nor do we resolve anything between us here. Quite often we discuss things to post here before we do, but then sometimes we post without talking first.

My point is, we do communicate very well. Some things may be misunderstood or misspoke, but we do have very effective communication skills. Our counselors have all said it, we communicate very effectively. It's just the anger or hurt that needs work - don't assume everything is black and white, because we all know there are many shades of grey.
__________________
Me: 33 F
Married to: Storm 35 M

Last edited by Glitter; 09-06-2012 at 12:32 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 09-06-2012, 05:35 AM
Storm77's Avatar
Storm77 Storm77 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 24
Thumbs down

I think I'll try my fucking best NOT to post on here anymore. I have my wife here with me, WE can talk things out as we have for 10 years. Venting on here has only caused us more stress and problems within our relationship!

As she says using fucking nicknames on here and for others there is no bloody way we can share EVERYTHING about our lives, our relationship, our home situation, our money problems and our friends on here so the idiot peanut gallery can properly analyze our posts and tell us how we should change our lives based on their small opinions.

Yes I acknowledge some of you have been Poly for years, some are in it just for the slut reasons, some for love, etc. To each their own... what we are looking for is unique to our values and way of life, just as the past couple we've been talking about on here said "THERE ARE NO FUCKING RULES IN POLYAMORY!!!" to each their own again! In our relationships we set our rules and boundaries, don't like them? then fuck off! LOL

Glitter thought this would be a great place for support but that has been proven totally wrong. I admit it IS a great place for information to read other peoples dirty laundry and try to learn from it but as for support and friends it has been zip, nada, zero on a personal level.

I think Glitter started this as a Blog/Journal as a healthy way to discreetly get things off her chest in the same way she would write in her own personal journal. Although with us both on here just as I would NOT be reading her personal journal here in real life. Most of the time it's felt like this is separating us in an indirect way when she comes on to blog her problems. I come on when I need to vent too. We both correct each others dirty laundry publicly online putting on a great show for everyone.

What we BOTH need are actual real "friends" to chat with, bounce ideas off, get advice from, etc.

I may be old-fashioned but in like calling your best friend up on the phone to bitch about your problems, go out and rant over coffee. Hell in this online world even through IM, Skype, etc. Just as you would NOT SCREAM off your balcony to your friend in the next apartment complex HEY I NEED TO TELL YOU THIS BITCH TODAY.... blah blah blah. AND YOU KNOW SHE TELLS ME... CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT!? Another neighbor says to SHUT THE FUCK UP! Yet another says HEY I FUCKING KNOW HER, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!

Oh btw since we need to tell everything to give person a better view of our live so they can judge us... I masturbated before I got outa of bed, took a piss, brushed my teeth, took vitamins and pills. Came out here told Glitter Good Morning and I love you... Checked my email, did shit online. did some yard work. More shit around the house. Just had dinner now and I need to get off here since I really need to shit

Cheers, have a good one
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
canada, child, couple, married, married dating, opening a relationship, quad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:54 AM.