Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 09-05-2012, 10:17 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Violet1 View Post
He says there is no difference, but I think there is, because when I'm at work I'm sitting at a desk doing mundane paperwork, etc. And when he's at work on the weekends, he's at a bar, with his bandmates, and is able to drink and socialize on set breaks. The night he met this girl was a night she was tending bar at the place they were playing. So he even has chances to meet women when he's at his "work."
you have chances to meet people at work, you met him there, right ? (sorry - nitpicking, or maybe not, because I do recognize the workings of your brain in this. )

Quote:
Originally Posted by Violet1 View Post
The problem lies in that those damned Thursdays are the only night he has off between the two jobs. I feel like at this point, I have to pretty much just let him do whatever, and just deal with feeling like shit. Which isn't a good position to be in, but what other option do I have?
could it be true that you just don't want him to have sex with her, period? that the timing doesn't really matter? Because if he can't have sex with her on his one night off, then when would he have sex with her? It seems like your boundary is a veto in disguise.

Again, something I recognize and have done numerous times. I created and asked for boundaries and then wondered why I was still upset, when my husband respected my boundaries.

If you can accept the fact that he wants to spend time with someone you don't like, wants to have sex with someone you don't like, when you accept that you don't really uderstand him when it comes to his relationship with this girl (and not understanding can feel like such a huge threat), then, I think, the where and when of there sex life won't matter much anymore.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 09-05-2012, 12:51 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,856
Default

Quote:
This is very new to us, and I don't think it is wrong for us to have some boundaries as we work our way into this relationship style, and as Nudibranch said, he should be wanting to help me cope with transitions as needed.
It's ok to be new. It's ok to have some boundaries -- but the boundaries must be arrived at together and agreed to. Otherwise you are paving the way to broken boundaries and more upset.

In my universe, you do the have the right to support and nurture from your partner.

So. In THIS situation. Do the drill with your partner... something like:
  • I feel yucky on your dates on Thursday. (Given.)
  • Because...
    • You are not available to me and I miss you texting me a lot to alleviate the boredom of my job.
    • I am upset that you get the right to develop meaningful relationships with Another and I am not given the same equal right. I am being limited to fuckbuddies/only women.
    • (Other reason not yet listed?)
  • I need (what?) from you over the next X weeks to help me acclimate to this new thing/change in my routine with you dating. Then let's check in to see where we are both at. (Do place time limit to next check in. Expecting him not to date on thurs forever is not realistic, asking him to chill for a few weeks might be doable.)
  • I need (what?) from myself over the next X weeks to help me acclimate to this new thing/change in my routine with you dating.
  • Does what I ask sound reasonable? Do you have other suggestions for how you can support me in this time of change?

I'm offering you critique type feedback on your situation, not criticism of you. I'm also encouraging you to keep on thinking.

Quote:
The problem lies in that those damned Thursdays are the only night he has off between the two jobs. I feel like at this point, I have to pretty much just let him do whatever, and just deal with feeling like shit. Which isn't a good position to be in, but what other option do I have?
Possible solutions?

Suck it up. Some things are not immediately solvable other than the passage of time and getting used to it. Hell, if even HE says she is annoying, perhaps he breaks up with her in a few months. Then prob is solved, no?

Stop putting yourself in the situation where you feel like shit and change something about it that you actually have input in. Work with the BF on what would be welcome change.
  • Change job.
  • Change BF.
  • Change something else -- like change your mind or change how you and BF handle conflict resolution.
  • Or change some of your relationship agreements -- esp the unfair one! Or whether or not you are even Open if it isn't working out.
  • Change the expectation of BF to entertain you with texts when you are at work. Text someone else. Bring a book to read.

Experiment to see what will work for you or not. It's a learning process.

Hang in there!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-05-2012 at 12:57 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 09-05-2012, 04:59 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,369
Default

Seems to me it's perfect: you're at work, so already busy and you don't have to stay at home worrying about him or feeling lonely, and he wouldn't have been able to spend that time with you anyways so it's not taking anything away from you. Much better than if he wanted to see her a day you both have off.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 09-05-2012, 09:56 PM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 90
Default

The main time Ginko and I see other people is when the other is at work, that way it doesn't cut into the time we have together so much. I'd be more apt to be bothered if she were seeing someone in the limited time we could be with each other. I guess it's different for everyone. It does get a bit easier over time, provided you both have good results in seeing other people and you respect each other's boundaries whatever they may be.

It's fine to have no sexual interest in your bf's other partners. What might need to be looked at is the double standard of him expecting you to only have one night stands with the opposite gender while he can build separate relationships.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 09-05-2012, 11:49 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Seems to me it's perfect: you're at work, so already busy and you don't have to stay at home worrying about him or feeling lonely, and he wouldn't have been able to spend that time with you anyways so it's not taking anything away from you. Much better than if he wanted to see her a day you both have off.
But if work is boring, rather than busy, and lonely, such that they can spend a ton of time texting back and forth, then it IS taking something away- his company via text while she gets through her shift. It's certainly no better than being at home. It's worse, because you HAVE to stay awake rather than going to bed, and focus on getting paperwork done rather than vegging out to a movie with a stiff drink, etc.

If I'm reading correctly, they don't HAVE a day off together. They both work Sun-Wed, she works Thurs, he works Fri and Sat. But when he's at work without her, he's having fun, able to socialize and even drink. Quite different than the environment she's in when she's at work without him.

I quite understand why Violet feels the way she does. It SUCKS to be the one at work while the other gets to go have fun, especially when you don't have opportunities for similar fun. It may be perfect for some but that in no way means it's perfect for everyone.

I haven't decided yet if I think asking him to refrain from sex while she's at work is fair or unfair yet. My initial reaction is, as long as there are other times when he can sleep with the other person (while Violet is out socializing or whatever) then skipping Thursdays shouldn't be a big deal. That should be workable. But I haven't finished thinking it through, so I reserve the right to change my mind.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack

Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 09-05-2012 at 11:50 PM. Reason: typo
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 09-06-2012, 12:40 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

If you can't define " co-dependent" but know it when you see it? That's what i'm seeing.

I don't understand why people bother with non-monogamy if everything has to be about keeping track of who is having more fun. It's been my observation and experience that emtional non-monogamy (as compared with physical non-monogamy such as swinging) is better suited for people who enjoy spending time with themselves, whether alone or in the company of others, as opposed to people who require constant companionship in order to not feel inadequate or alone.

tl;dr OP, learn to be your own best friend and i promise you, this problem will magically disappear.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 09-06-2012, 01:31 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 761
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
OP, learn to be your own best friend and i promise you, this problem will magically disappear.
That said, it is EXTREMELY hard to take this advice if you don't get there yourself. When my partner said it to me, it felt like I was being dismissively told to "go find something to do". It took a full day of not having him or the kids around to see that I really didn't know what to do with myself (it didn't help that I was not all that long out of my marriage and didn't have time to figure that out before getting into a relationship with my partner).

That sudden, stark realization was extremely painful, but it was a hell of a motivator... I am NOT nothing when I have nobody to be with. So who am I and what do I like to do?

But I had to hit that wall myself, unfortunately. Hopefully you don't have to quite go through the same process... Good luck!
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 09-07-2012, 09:41 AM
Violet1 Violet1 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 10
Default

Seriously guys, thank you, all of you, for the insight. I may not agree with everyone but I really do appreciate the perspective. I feel like I should compose some more responses to the posts that have been made... But I can't at this moment.. Because I am dealing with a new development that I really didn't see coming and I'm sad, hurt, and having trouble coping.

So I should say that in addition to the information that I've given in regards to our work situation, it may be relevant to know that we work the night shift (11pm-7am).

After reading this thread together and discussing it, I was feeling a hell of a lot better about it. I was still a bit uneasy, but I was about ready to say yeah, I am truly okay with this. Part of it is because I know that indeed, he doesn't really have a lot of other opportunities besides Thursday nights to see her. And yes, since I'm at work it technically doesn't take time away from me, even though as it was pointed out, I am used to him texting with me so it kind of is. BUT I had reconciled myself with that fact.

All Thursday morning after work, I was asking if he had talked to her, and he said he hadn't and that they probably weren't going to hang out. I came into the room to go to sleep and his phone was on the floor and lit up, so I picked it up and put it on the table, and I saw the conversation open was with the other girl (I will call her J), and I didn't read it, I just asked him what they were talking about. He said he texted her saying he wouldn't be able to hang out because he has a pimple (his attempt at a joke?). And I knew she replied but I didn't ask about it, and he didn't say anything about it either.

Then we went to sleep. He woke up before I did and went to go make up some food for me to take to work. He woke me up before I needed to be awake, and as I was telling him to let me sleep for the extra half hour, he said he was leaving to go pick her up. I was a little weirded out, but I was sleepy and just asked what they were going to do. He said they were just going to go out to eat. He could tell I wasn't real happy, so he reassured me that he would keep to the boundaries I had set in the first place, before ANY of this happened. The boundaries were that he would have her home early (2 am at the latest, because the first time he was up all night with her until 6 am and then he was shitty the next day to me because he had no sleep. So that's the compromise) and that they wouldn't be in our bedroom or in our bed. So he left, and I wasn't able to go back to sleep since he woke me up with that delightful news, so I got up and went to work. He texted me at about 12:30 saying he was taking her home. I texted back asking what they did. He said they had two beers at a bar and then went back to our place and "got a little naughty." So I called him, wanting to know details. I am the type of person that needs to know details so I don't make things up in my imagination, and he knows this because I have specifically told him so. I had to prod him for details. He finally told me they had sex, which in itself actually didn't bother me too much because I figured that would happen. But then I asked where they did it, and he said, "in the bed, but I'm washing the sheets!"

I am devastated and furious and hurt. I made it clear to him that our bed was OUR bed and if we had a threesome in it together, that's one thing, but I don't feel comfortable with him having sex with her or anyone else without me there. And I've agreed to the same, I won't have sex with anyone else in our bed either. When he had woken me up, he had said, "don't worry, we won't even come in here." And when I was talking to him on the phone hearing about what happened, I asked him why he thought that was okay. He said that because when he said it, I didn't really respond. I WAS ASLEEP. I told him that he knew that was the deal, and he didn't need me to reaffirm it. Also, I don't know for sure, but the way things went down, I think that he asked her to hang out, even though he had told me that he didn't think they would. I feel so awful now. I had trusted him so incredibly much, and now its been shattered. This is a huge step backwards. I might have to tell him that we need to close our relationship for a while.

I've tried to look on the links to threads worth reading and the other resources on this site, but I can't seem to find any the specifically deal with how to handle when your partner crosses a boundary. I don't even want to go home this morning (I get off in 2 hours) but I have nowhere else to go. He's going to be sleeping like a baby when I get home and I'm going to want to clock him. Just kidding. Maybe.

He knew the rules! And also I texted her telling her that there was an issue, and he had not even told her that this was part of the negotiation. I thought this man was such an honest, trustworthy person that actually cared about my feelings and was able to suspend the "thinking with the dick" in order to preserve the awesome thing he has going with ME... But I'm so lost now.

If someone can try to give me insight into not thinking he's a complete fucking monster douchebag, helping me see his side, or helping me cope with this, I will be eternally grateful.

Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 09-07-2012, 09:51 AM
Violet1 Violet1 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 10
Default

Also, his excuse for going in the bedroom was because we have a friend staying with us at our house until she can move into her new place. She is staying in the basement, which is very private. She's been staying there for a little over a week and we have seen her come upstairs maybe twice. Also, she had just gotten home from working all day so it's pretty likely that she had gone to bed. I do not think it is a valid reason, and even if it was, he could have consulted me and asked if I would be okay with it because of the circumstances.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-07-2012, 12:47 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,856
Default

I'm sorry.

You were just emotionally catching up to the concept of them dating, and now he goes and crosses boundaries you guys put in place and agreed to and you are emotionally upset again.

And why spring this on you while you are trying to get to sleep/get to work times? This is NOT the best times for relationship management conversation. It can fuck up your sleep and it can fuck up your performance at work. (This may need to be a limit thing.)

When you talk to him about all this, one technique could be reframing it in the positive since he can't hack it framed the other way. For instance, instead of saying "Do not have sex in our bed" say "Sex in bed is off limits. Sex on couch ok. Sex at her house is ok." Everything that IS. Because that tells him where to go that is ok. So go THERE already... where it is ok to go.

If you tell someone they can't have the OJ and leave it there, it's not telling what they CAN have out of your fridge to drink. Much easier to go "OJ is off limits. Have milk is ok. Have soda is ok. Have tea is ok."

But in my universe, that's a 1 strike. He's gotta straighten up because it's 3 strikes you are out on the same issue. The boundary breaking problem. (And I hope he's wearing a condom!)

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-07-2012 at 05:01 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundary pushing, control issues

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:20 PM.