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Old 09-05-2012, 06:33 AM
foundwanting foundwanting is offline
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2
Unhappy Is this even possible for me?

Good people,

I've looked over some similar threads hoping to glean some insight without having to post a lengthy entry, but though I found some help, I'm not sure it's enough just yet.

I am a monogamous male feeling like something in me is broken because poly just doesn't seem to gel with my relationship wants. I've read about the power of 'mine' and NRE and the adjustments periods which doesn't mean I understand it completely, but I'm invested in this thing enough to try. Now, on to the relationship in question...

As stated, I'm monogamous. I want to share all of life's experience with another. I want a diving partner. I love putting my energy and focus into growing and nurturing a mate, a term that seems frowned upon somewhat, and receiving that. I've always been of the mind that if the one I'm with wants to be with someone else, please be free. No animosity felt. Heartache, of course, but not anger. I don't seem to be wired to share something like a relationship. Did I miss a crucial lesson in kindergarten? Do I not know how to share? But, I've asked myself, would I want to be the one being shared and loved by two, and the answer is still no. To be fair, I've never been in that position, so never say never I guess. I also don't seek to control someone else. I just genuinely want to grow alongside another person and share life. I'm not a fused at the hip guy and I respect my partner's independence and want some of my own. I also don't expect a partner to meet every possible need I might have but I don't desire to spread my need across more partners. Platonic relationships can be enriching as well.

I feel like I've found my twin flame (a term I found on this forum). She, I believe feels the same. She is married and sort of poly. I say sort of because She has friends that are poly and her and her husband decided to give it a try. So I'm her first poly experience and we're all trying to make sense of it all. Up to this point my relationship with her has evolved completely separate from her husband though he knows everything. Communication has been lacking in that way, but aside from hefty denial it's been honest. She has essentially found herself in two monogamous relationships and exhausted. She wants things to be more poly although she has expressed that part of her wants to be mono with me as well. I've admittedly been in denial, as has she, but now it's time to get real. I love her more than I ever thought myself capable but I find myself falling back into that 'let her go' mentality even though she doesn't want to be let go and her husband has all but rolled out the red carpet for me. I've never been married. Up until this point, I've never thought much about marriage. But this girl, I can see all manner of scenarios of growing old with her.

I've read a few different takes on this relationship style and feasibly we could grow old together in a 'V'. But, honestly, I'd not choose poly for myself, probably ever. I do choose her, however. I feel like I'm between the rock of trying to force poly on myself and hope for the best or the hard place of walking away from the deepest, most passionate bond I've ever felt with another human being.

Is this relationship doomed to failure? Her husband embraces me into their family which would be perfect if I didn't feel like the square peg pushing and squeezing himself into the triangular hole. Please help. And thank you.
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mono / poly

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