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  #131  
Old 09-04-2012, 11:48 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Now, to ur previous question to me:

I can't begin to describe in depth the work to get where we are, its in my blog.
But, where we are now is; i have a poly husband and a mono boyfriend.

No new partners without us agreeing. All new potentials have to meet all of us before ANY dates.
I agree not to take any MORE male lovers.
We three are fluid bonded (they are both straight) but with anyone else we require current std testing AND use of condoms at all times.
Our date nights are priority (as is family time). We don't plan one on one time with anyone else unless we have gotten our one on one time in that week.

Our date times and our bedtimes and our meal times are no cell, no computer times.
I can talk to mono bf about anything-but i agree nOt to DO anything with anyone new until such time as he's comfortable with them.
He agrees to accept fully my relationship with poly husband, and. Ot try to limit me from finding a girlfriend, but i dont have spare time right now so I am not looking.
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  #132  
Old 09-04-2012, 11:57 PM
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Boring-I read it, saw it and am aware. None the less, Im willing to play the 'ok, in a sincere world, here's the trivia they would want' because;

Even if its. Ot the OP, if the information is helpful to someone, its worth the effort to share it.
Believe me- I was paying attention. I see the signs. Some of which are eye rollingly offensive and others hugely hilarious.

But-what if it really is ingrained ignorance and the person chews on the information-even for a few years-and then it clicks and they change?
My husband was hardcore against gayrights when we married. Now he's precisely the opposite, because in the midst of his idiotic shit, I continued to calmly and pointedly show him the error of his ways. He swore he'd never change, he was just as against open marriages and many oldtimers here can attest to some of the outrageously condescending, double standard bullshit he pulled over the years. But, he changed. Shrug. Sometimes it fails, sometimes it works.
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  #133  
Old 09-05-2012, 12:37 AM
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
This is not your Island and I am not one of your girls. There is no "between the two of us" in this part of the forum. That's what private messages are for. Nobody here agreed to have a relationship with you on your "generous" terms.

Why don't you start a blog in Life Stories and Blogs? This subject matter is perfect for that, and nobody is allowed to argue in a blog. It will really be YOUR THREAD. That is not the case the way it is right here right now. If you were at all aware of your surroundings, you would have figured that out by now. I think you may have already been told, too, but I'm telling you right now again if that's the case.

If you can dish it out but can't take it, there's the virtual door.
OMG, you are antagonistic. You did not need to comment on the post that was meant for me with a comment that bullies me. It is unnecessary. I don't care personally. I'm just telling you flat out, you were bullying and you're lucky I am not a person with lower self esteem or I would feel really beaten up on. Just because I happen to bite back and call a spade a spade when being beaten upon doesn't make what you have all done to me noble, valiant, good, nice, patient, or anything of good virtue. The tack you and some others continue to take is indeed typical of what to expect from an internet forum, but I'm speaking up for myself and others to let you guys know that it's bad behavior and you should not do it in situations like these. You're beating up on the new guy and it's just getting old. Endless punching and kicking. You're all bullies the bunch of you who have taken shots at me. It's totally unnecessary. I am not antagonizing any of you except for in response to you doing that to me. And I'm really not upset at you guys at all. I'm just letting you know you are making mistakes, tripping over your own feet, being insensitive. If that's useful to you, than I haven't wasted my breath. If it isn't, I'm still glad I stood up for anyone who isn't able to handle being pushed around by you.

Just chill out. Stay out of it unless you have something positive to contribute. I'm pretty sure the spirit of this board/forum is to be positive, helpful, informative. Not to belittle, judge, and mob members. You are being pestilent and argumentative.

I don't mind taking it. I can handle it. It's text over the internet. It's quite safe, and I'm not hurt at all. But believe me, people definitely do become upset by the way you guys have been behaving and there are even laws to prevent it from getting out of control.

I don't have any hard feelings. It's ok. But when you are ready to stop I really think it would be a good idea for this board and others. It's ok to make mistakes. You don't have to feel bad for screwing things up and feel it necessary to continue to behave that way in order to hold yourself in regard in your community. I already hold you in high regard. But nobody's perfect. As far as the bullying and argumentative antagonizing, you should really consider cutting it out.
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  #134  
Old 09-05-2012, 12:40 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I was paying attention. I see the signs. Some of which are eye rollingly offensive and others hugely hilarious.
Yeah I'm really sorry about that. Really. I'm sure it's 50% due to me just being really clunky when trying to correctly communicate in a new place. And it's 50% that I am a little arrogant, naive, and all the things you guys called me. That's ok. I don't mind hearing the truth, so long as it is done nicely.

I guess I just expected to look up to you guys when I first got here, and some of these people although I know they are super experienced and more wise than me, have been very disappointing as people I should hold in high esteem because of their behavior. I'm disappointed in some the people I found to be trying to be helpful to me. Not all. Just some. You have been brilliant LovingRadiance. And even though the others are more brash I do appreciate them too.

Whatever my problems are, they don't define me or my life. The word "MATURE" is about passing from one stage to another. I think some of the members here could try and be more sensitive to that I might just need to learn something rather than deciding I am worthless to the world in their eyes. Otherwise I think it'd be best if they kept it to themselves because that can be very hurtful to communicate to someone potentially looking up to you for advice.

Last edited by PolyPhonic; 09-05-2012 at 12:54 AM.
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  #135  
Old 09-05-2012, 01:11 AM
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Ok. I think I've figured out part of the communication connundrum. When you write about (for example) the rules. I sense that you are addressing only your part-which is resulting in the board assuming thats all you are considering. Then you are upset over the attitude.
Alright. But I mean I haven't necessarily met and discussed the other's needs and I'm open to their needs. I don't want to project any of my own expectations on them, I think that would be unfair. I'm only able to talk about what I need, want, desire, and I can talk about what I expect, but I'm open to that being a work-in-progress.

So ok, I'm sounding one sided? Yeah I guess that's because this is a post at the outset of embarking into Poly and there is not another side yet, so I don't have any interesting stories about the other side to talk about. In fact, the reason I am staying one sided is to get the reflection you guys dished out, in anticipation of making better first moves when getting into this. It's ok some of the dishing was harsh. I'm letting it all soak in. But it's extremely interesting to me when you guys say, "that's not going to work thinking that way." And it makes me think, and I start to come to the same conclusion. In that process I shed a delusion and I gain some better understanding of how these situations can really work and what I need to accept.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Your 'hardlines' sound VERY similar to galagirls. Would you humor me and read them?
I have some thoughts on what I think would not work for me, so they are ideas for hardlines, but since this still isn't really happening they are just theoretical. For instance, I said before I prefer no "male energy". By that I mean that kind of energy that some of the girls here thought I was like and despise in men. I also despise that same egocentric inflexible bullying energy. So I could say "no men in the birdhouse". But really like I said, if a really cool guy who totally enjoys all the things we enjoy comes along, and he also loves talking about feelings and relationships and is respectful and careful as I would be, than that's fine. So some of the hardlines can be excepted. But I would tell the girls "there is no expectation that another man can enter into this equation, however if we all together find someone that we all want, I am open to the possibility, however I need it respected up until that point that the idea of other men is not entertained freely or individually." Another would be about being dishonest. That for me would open up the floodgates resulting in making sure that person go get tested for STDs because we all have no idea what else she hasn't told us or has told us that has been untruthful. A big long list of "carefuls" like that. That's what my list would look like. Lot's and lots of every little thing we need to watch out for, outlined.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Tell me if I am right? She has a thread about it in the lifestyles and blogs section.
Ok, I'll go check it out. I like her flamboyance and free spirit, so I probably will find it very insightful at least.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I think the confusion is in your not specifying what the othersides rights/responsibilities are in terms of identifying if you and the imaginary they can agree.
Right, right, right. I see what you mean now. It's like I am treating the other side as completely subserviant and in agreement to my every thought, because they don't exist and already share my same beliefs because they are a projection of me. I see. The thing is, at first, because of my "ruleset" I will be already in the ballpark as far as that is concerned. Things that come up will probably get written into the addendum for any new ones coming in, but that is why I want to make sure the ruleset list is very very well thought out at first. I am reading about 20 different sources (books, websites) to gain that foresight, but of course I cannot predict everything. But I am a very fair, understanding, amenable patient person with those that I'm giving my love to. So if a subject comes up, I'm going to be a good person to work with the other person on giving them their freedom to make their dreams come true. Like I said before, I enjoy when others are happy and I enjoy making or letting them if I am in the way before that. If someone needs to leave me, I will not be sad. That is their journey. I would only be sad if I thought they were going to a sad place in their journey.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I gather that you are trying to write from the 'i can only speak for me' perspective-which isnt a bad thing, but having not specifically said thats what u r doing it appears that u r disregarding the opinions and rights of the imaginary other parties.

Does that make sense at all?
Yeah that totally makes sense. So you think it would work better to preface with that in the future? It's easy to say "yes", but do you really when you think about, think that would change the result?

Last edited by PolyPhonic; 09-05-2012 at 01:18 AM.
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  #136  
Old 09-05-2012, 01:14 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
But-what if it really is ingrained ignorance and the person chews on the information-even for a few years-and then it clicks and they change?
My husband was hardcore against gayrights when we married. Now he's precisely the opposite, because in the midst of his idiotic shit, I continued to calmly and pointedly show him the error of his ways. He swore he'd never change, he was just as against open marriages and many oldtimers here can attest to some of the outrageously condescending, double standard bullshit he pulled over the years. But, he changed. Shrug. Sometimes it fails, sometimes it works.
Yeah I used to be hardlined for the Death Penalty and for the right for a woman to have Abortion. Since than I have become against the Death Penalty, and although I believe in a woman's right, I personally am against abortion because I have delivered my own baby and I just don't believe that it's ok to kill one just because it hasn't slipped out the Vagina yet. People change. I am one who definitely changes. I am becoming Poly, pretty sure. Opening up. I am a person who definitely changes throughout my life. I don't resent or regret. This is my journey.
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  #137  
Old 09-05-2012, 01:25 AM
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In the spirit of continuing to expose my own character in this process, I would like to share another thought that has occured to me today as feelings of poly wane back and forth from being interesting to me, to, not being all into it at certain moments... and that is that when there is not the temptation/opportunity for the possibility, I do not feel the pull. I don't know what that means as far as my character, true "poly-ness" versus not polyness, but maybe some of you will be able to figure out why I feel like that and what that means.

I mean could a man be born into a world with no men, all women, and become/realize he is gay? Is it the temptation combined with our wiring that causes us to go there? When I think about other girls who want to be with me, I think "why not?! yeah". But if they aren't contacting me, or getting in my mind, I don't feel the need to breakup with my wife and lose seeing my baby everyday and create "my birdhouse", however I still feel when I think about it, that if the opportunity is there I prefer to live that life than this one (or rather lifestyle than this one).
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  #138  
Old 09-05-2012, 01:57 AM
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Nod. I don't think it would make a huge difference always, but yes, especially with writing, it helps to explain that. Its called metacommunication and can make a huge difference in how people percieve u. I have seen that often here.

I dont have time right now to elaborate. Kids need mommy time. Daddy and GG are working late. More ltr!
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  #139  
Old 09-05-2012, 02:20 AM
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This conversation (and the other thread you started) has got really rocky, I know - and I get the feeling that a lot of it comes from the different backgrounds and societies in which folks live. I have had some experience of this and am trying to work through all the assumptions and snarkiness and give the benefit of the doubt...

First, the "non-negotiables" are exactly that - things that are the "bottom line" for you. These are the things that must be present in any relationship setup for things to work for you. Then there are other issues that may be negotiable - things you would like to have. Everybody has their "bottom line" boundaries or rules - and they need to be very aware of them. So my use of the term wasn't to put you down at all, it was just to recognise that reality.

Here is what I suggest - don't just think about the ruleset that you are going to come up with, but think about the process that you are going to use when a new person is interested in joining your relationship dynamic. Will you sit down and invite the new person to present *their* ruleset, maybe before you present yours? The egalistarian way would be to acknowledge that every individual has their own rulesets that deserve to be respected. Now you may be thinking "well, of *course* I would do that" - the problem is, you have been presenting this as "me, me, me" and folks have gone with that, leading to a lot of the negative exchanges on this thread.

I have found that most people that like to posit themselves as "alpha males" usually get maneuvered into being exactly the opposite, usually by manipulation. If you go into this with a more equal tone - of this being a group of individuals, each bringing something to the table - then I think your chances are a lot better. A lot of the words you have been using have led people (including me) to believe that this won't be anything like this.

I also think that re-examining your "I will be the only male directly involved" statement would be worthwhile - it, again, doesn't come across as very egalitarian or open-minded. Why not let things grow as they will with whomsoever fits?

Think about the process of bringing someone new in - how much say do the existing people in the relationship (other than you) get in terms of who gets added, or is this something that only you will decide?

A footnote - many folks when they are thinking about poly come up with their "ideal" poly setup. Usually this is highly impractical or unobtainable. As time passes, and experience with actual polyamory increases, the realisation sets in that something more down-to-earth is going to work far better. A lot of the critique here (while aggressive at times) is often trying to bring that point home to you - that your current goal may need some severe refinement.
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  #140  
Old 09-05-2012, 02:25 AM
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Originally Posted by evanevans View Post
OMG, you are antagonistic.
[predictable jibber-jabber deleted]

You are somewhat entertaining, but you need to say something new occasionally.

What about starting your own blog thread? You have avoided the most relevant questions people have asked you and you remain fixated on this "bullying" nonsense.
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