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  #31  
Old 08-23-2012, 05:50 AM
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Well, Petal has all but stopped talking to me. She won't respond to me when we're in group chat, nor to anything I post on FB. I am thinking maybe I should remove her from FB or something, because it's weird being ignored like this.

After spending 2 hours chatting with Music on Skype, he informed me he is on the verge of formally ending it with her. He's discovered that she is saying how "disgusted" she is about his physical appearance to everyone but him. He's pissed about it, since she's also gained weight over the last 5 years.

We've been discussing hanging out more (Storm, Music and I), so that the men can become friends, and we can all be comfortable with the V relationship. I would love for both men to be friends. They don't need to be best buds or anything, but friends with mutual respect would be a good fit

Oh! Storm is on the phone, right now, with a woman I know, it's not much, but this is the first step for him, the first woman interested in getting to know him I am so proud I could burst! I hope it all goes well, he's been chatting for nearly an hour

Music and I are planning a date end of the month, beginning of September. Depends on if we have the money to meet. I may take the bus out there for a bit, if things are ok (meaning if Petal is no longer there, as it would be awkward and not polite on my part to visit while they are not in a good place). Otherwise he will come out here. Storm helps me to plan out dates, what to do that's cheap or free, where to go for star gazing and snuggling, etc. I'm glad he's so supportive! He really is an amazing man <3

We lost a few pets this week My guinea pig died, then my mouse, and on Saturday we have to send my Golden Retriever puppy back to the breeder. We're slowly cutting down on pets, though we've had 8 die in the past year alone. It's getting sad.
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  #32  
Old 08-24-2012, 10:35 AM
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Well, things came to head tonight. Music broke my #1 Rule: You have NO RIGHT to demand I leave Storm. Even if things get bumpy with he and I, we are married and NO ONE has the right to tell me what to do. Thus, Music is no more. Oh well, I'm actually not very bummed by it. Says a lot
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  #33  
Old 08-24-2012, 11:27 AM
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Well we've had our own issues but lately I try to deal with it quicker directly with Glitter rather than venting on here or anywhere else. Tonight we had a massive blow up while I thought we would be dealing with things and calming the situation down out on a 5k walk.

I did mention people keep telling me grow-up, grow a set of balls, etc (even by Glitter) and yes I did tell someone I'm not sure how much more I can take in our marriage and if I should start preparing for a break-up with Glitter as things continue going downhill and we both are feeling hurt more and more. This was pounced on by Petal (or whatever the heck her name is now lol) she instantly started a group chat for counseling, Petal and Music on voice, Glitter and myself typing and it was extremely hard to follow to say the least!

Three of four of us were very angry and all ranting, eventually Petal turned into bashing and picking a side too. Accusations back and forth. I even bluntly said don't you think it's a little weird Music in here *cough* helping us with OUR relationship and our marriage when ofc he's jumping on every little thing bashing me since he likes Glitter and I'm made out to by the "bad guy"

So yeah it didn't end to well when Music threatening to bash my face in if he sees me. After the chat ended with alot of fuck yous and come say that to my face!!! I told Glitter Music pretty much sealed the deal he is NEVER welcome in our house EVER and in fact I do NOT want him on our property as he does have violence problems since childhood and it continues to this day and I would also take ANY measures to defend myself! Since he's bragged what he's capable of. They could still date I have always said I'm not jealous but yeah she would have to meet him elsewhere not be picked up at home.

I was also feeling guilty as just yesterday I was telling Glitter how if Music and I could spend more time hanging-out, if I got to know the side Glitter sees not the asshole ego side I think we could be good friends and it would go a long ways to build a trust in him even to the point of us all being "comfortable" *cough* with whatever in our own home. Sighs, how quickly things change

On the positive side with our blow-up (Glitter and I) had tonight then the blow-up with all 4 of us in chat, this drastically renewed the idea of looking at working at our relationship and counseling both personal and marriage since we are both bringing our own problems and baggage into any new relationships and it's causing alot of sparks to fly... and NOT in a good way LOL.

I'm REALLY hoping we can make it out to our local munch next month and it would be so nice if we could take things slower as we better ourselves, make new friends "meaning friends only" into Poly or an alternative lifestyle and have that boost within our relationship being able to just hang out with other people as friends. Ease the stress of our lives and our relationship having people outside our family and relationship to talk with, hang-out with, etc.

Without the panic race with either of us in the OMG I NEED to find a relationship NOW!!! (so I feel better... meaning glitter or myself. We both tend to want to jump right in to get that feeling.)
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  #34  
Old 08-24-2012, 04:22 PM
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I can tell you that it is worth it if you can work on the relationship between the two of you. It is NOT a fast fix! There will be set backs! It is worth it.

For me, after we started working with a counselor, things seemed to get better right away, until our next big fight and the feeling of hopelessness and absolute despair seemed to hit harder. This was extremely hard for me to deal with. However, we were able to recover faster. We have been working on things for 2 years now and while things are much better than they have been in nearly 15 years, there no where near where I think they should be. I still have doubts and wish I could afford to go back into counceling. 21 years of bad communication habits are hard to break.

Good luck!
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  #35  
Old 08-25-2012, 02:09 AM
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It will be very difficult... I am pushing for us to work on things, for Glitter to pick up and follow through on her tasks. ie once case we were about to give up one of our dogs we've only had for about a month since he's not trained in anything including housebroken and Glitter always forgets to work with him. So tonight we talked about it she agreed it's ok if I kick her ass reminding her she NEEDS to work with him. On my end I'll have to take our other dog out for a walk or in the yard to play so she can train the other.

As for the poly situation, I wish things could be slowed down NOT close the door on as she panics but just work on us FIRST at least for a while as it may be unneeded worrying but I do worry things may just revert to the problems we have been feeling now but all over again.

Last night was the first time as my name goes I STORMED off, I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with her, while I would never hit her I just felt stay away from me you #&@!$ first time I seriously considered is it over?! How can I prepare for the break-up so I'm not homeless on the street. Find friends or someone else for support, maybe a relationship. Hell maybe if I was someones slave 24/7 the mind just tossing out any options which may be possible. I used to be depressed and yes had thoughts of that which we should never mention, lol. Now sine Poly opened up it's more anger and the thoughts it's not like we're "stuck together" anymore. If she can't suck it up help me, help us, help the relationship while it is difficult there may be other options out there.

I've finally came out and told her each time we're fighting and she yells "grow a set of fucking balls" I'm no longer the depressed "nice guy" feeling worthless, I have bloody options now. She opened up that Poly door and never wants to close it so yes when I'm PISSED at home ofc I'm thinking man it would be so great having a woman who actually wants a relationship and is willing to make it work, to feel happy with. everytime we fight and she tells me this she just doesn't know what she is encouraging.

She keeps saying I need to balls up and contact more women that's the only way I can find someone. I guess when we fight now I'm more and more thinking it's just natural, if we are unstable, if I feel like shit at home with her... common sense is I'd rather be with another woman, anyone that makes me feel better than our issues which are never getting dealt with.

We do have plans to work on things, schedules, counseling, maybe up my meds, change hers... I just really fukin hope we can BOTH follow through on all this to help us stay together!
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  #36  
Old 09-04-2012, 06:22 AM
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So. this week has been one massive, interesting, annoying, satisfying and confusing week. Storm has let me know that he is NOT ok with poly. At least that is what I think he said. He's not outright said if he has an issue with it or not. He worries that I will neglect him, so for now I've removed my profiles and am not seeking any outside relationships. I want him to feel secure and loved, before adding in any more ingredients to the pot.

This is a bit tough for me. Not the not seeking others. Just knowing, having experienced it, that I am poly. Storm has not been with anyone else, so I don't know what he thinks of that (is he? isn't he? etc).

I have learned and now understand that he does enjoy my energy when I am pursuing another (or am being pursued). He says that he does not have problems with me dating another. I think the problems come when he knows the person. He has long hated most typical males, and that is a trigger for him. Do I simply not introduce them? Wait until it is more than a date or two before introducing? Ugh, I've never been in this spot, and am completely confused.

So I don't know what to do.

Do I close the poly door and hide what I really want, who I am, for the sake of my husband's feelings? Do I take this break, and later (say a month or however long it need be) silently start seeking another? Do I seek regardless? I won't do that, it isn't who I am. I am just having a lot of things go through my head.

Will he ever be "ok" with me dating another? I'm not looking for someone to move in, to be my life partner, etc. I am wanting a guy to date. To have fun. To do different things with, that Storm and I do not do (e.g. camping, fishing, art galleries, etc). I'm not looking to replace him, by any means. I want someone else, as well as him. Am I being greedy?
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  #37  
Old 09-04-2012, 10:33 PM
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I think you both had this idea that once you decided to open up your relationship, you should both then pursue other people and everything would be equal. Storm seemed to be mostly upset that he couldn't find anyone while you had. Thing is, it's not a race. Equanimity is not the same as equal. Life happens as it happens, and you can't expect both of you to find partners at the exact same time.

I think it's good that you're taking a break from poly, because it also seems that you do need to both work on being more compassionate and giving toward each other before being intimate with other people. Build the foundation of your relationship to be stronger and more loving. Focus on being kind to each other yet direct and honest, and look inwardly at yourselves to see where the fears, insecurities, and addictions are. I think perhaps you may need to change a few things in your home environment, too.

When it feels right, and not a moment before, you can spend some more time discussing and figuring out exactly what kind of non-monogamy is reasonable for you. Accept fully that it could even be a year or two or more of one of you having an additional partner while the other one doesn't. If each of you are centered within yourselves, and in a strong place in your relationship, that should be much easier to accept and handle. Then, take baby steps.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-04-2012 at 10:46 PM.
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  #38  
Old 09-04-2012, 10:50 PM
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Thank you Cindie! Last night as I was heading for bed (he wanted to stay up and play WoW, I had a tooth ache, so early night for me), I told him I had posted on here if he wanted to read it and see if there is more we needed to talk about. Turns out he had wanted to talk about it all night, but it was our date night (aka our Gordon Ramsey night), and he knew it would end up being a good hour or more long convo if he brought it up during the shows.

So we lay in bed, talking about what we want to do (take it slow), what we want for each other (starting to attend monthly Munch's, and get to know more people in the kink community, without there being any pressure), and what we'd like in the future (I don't want a second husband, I want to date a man or woman, or both or either, and do things every now and then, that Storm doesn't enjoy, such as camping, art museums, horror movies, etc).

We spent a good amount of time just talking. It was wonderful that it came from an honest place, and not out of anger, hurt or worry. No tears, nothing angry, etc. It was good!

We decided to make friends first...so that there is some sort of foundation. If anything becomes more for either of us, then wonderful. But we're not pushing for each other to find another person, etc. No more racing. No more trying to force something that isn't there.

We also set up some boundaries so that we can share some aspects (for example, if I am chatting with someone from OKC, then I can tell him I'm chatting with a friend, and leave it at that - if it's a cyber convo, I can share parts of it later, that help he and I enjoy our sexy time together; he can do the same, he need not tell me everything and can share what he feels comfortable with sharing).

We both understand that this can and will take time to develop. No need to run head first into a brick wall, haha. I know women have a tendency to get more responses on dating sites (I get many every day, but honestly 99% are nothing I would reply to), but hopefully Storm now sees it as I've been seeing it:

QUANTITY =/= QUALITY

Meaning many fish swim by, but I'm looking for something very specific, and won't be trying to catch and bring home all of them

I've also realized that I honestly don't want another husband. I am not looking for a life partner, because I have no desire to replace Storm. He's my main squeeze, I love him and it's for life. Anyone extra is simply that, extra.

I compare it to eating chicken fingers (I know, weird!): we both love the chicken finger platter from Denny's, and we always get honey mustard dipping sauce. But every now and then, I would love to try a sweet and sour sauce, a BBQ sauce, etc. Doesn't mean I will change and only want the others, because my honey mustard is my favorite and my staple. I just like a taste of the others now and then.

Ok, I shall shut up now I can feel the pain killers (for my broken tooth) still working and I am rambling off again. Storm did say he read this and was hoping others would jump in and offer advice, so thank you again Cindie I'm also very glad that he and I are on the same table and are not closing the door entirely, just taking it much slower
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  #39  
Old 09-05-2012, 01:50 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glitter View Post
We decided to make friends first...so that there is some sort of foundation. If anything becomes more for either of us, then wonderful.
This would be my approach as well. While I can have NSA sex with people that I am only physically attracted to, I can't imagine having an actual relationship with someone unless I would want to be friends with them regardless.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Glitter View Post
I've also realized that I honestly don't want another husband. I am not looking for a life partner, because I have no desire to replace Storm. He's my main squeeze, I love him and it's for life. Anyone extra is simply that, extra.
I think that it is perfectly fine to say up front what you are looking for - an "extra" guy to date and do things with that Storm doesn't enjoy. I would be careful though of completely ruling out the "life partner option" and making promises to that effect - you can't always predict the twists and turns that your life and loves will take. I've identified as poly for 20 years and always assumed that, as a bi-girl, any serious OSO would be female - so I could have "one of each" - but then I went and fell for a 2nd guy...

I wouldn't count Dude as a "life partner" just yet (we have only been together for 17 months) but it could turn out that way - he's lived with us the whole time and it is his stated desire to be around for "a long time". If it sticks then what? MrS gets booted? HELL NO! I'll simply have two "life partners" - one of whom is also my husband.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Glitter View Post
I compare it to eating chicken fingers (I know, weird!): we both love the chicken finger platter from Denny's, and we always get honey mustard dipping sauce. But every now and then, I would love to try a sweet and sour sauce, a BBQ sauce, etc. Doesn't mean I will change and only want the others, because my honey mustard is my favorite and my staple. I just like a taste of the others now and then.
OK, fair enough analogy. You know you will ALWAYS like honey mustard - not a problem, no doubts there. But what if Denny's develops some brand new "Ultra Ranch AWESOME Sauce"? You like it too. As much as you like honey mustard. You've been eating honey mustard for years...you're not bored with it but you know most of what it has to offer.

You would likely have some kind of NRE experience with your new taste sensation - ordering it 2 out of 3 times and checking in with honey mustard every third time just to confirm that you like it as much as you always have - YOU DO. In fact, you appreciate it even more because you have some contrast to compare it to which causes you to notice all of the things that drew you to honey mustard in the first place - things that you had forgotten because you were used to how it tasted.

Then the NRE settles down - AWESOME sauce "catches up" with honey mustard (because you have been eating a LOT of it). Actually, now that you have been choosing AWESOME sauce so often you begin to see it's flaws - still love it, but honey mustard has some attributes that AWESOME sauce lacks. AWESOME sauce is now a staple as well. Different but equally satisfying. Sometimes you are in the mood for one, sometimes the other - and SOMETIMES (>gasp<) you throw caution to the wind and order BOTH.

I guess my point is - you haven't tasted AWESOME sauce yet...it hasn't been invented. Your present self can't make promises about how your future self will feel about AWESOME sauce. You CAN say that you know that honey mustard will always be your staple, that you will never NOT like honey mustard. You CAN say that none of the other sauces you have ever tried has come close to what honey mustard has to offer...but you can't say that none ever will.

(It took me 19 years to run into my own personal "AWESOME sauce"...I wasn't really looking, then again I wasn't really looking when I found my honey mustard. Keeping your taste buds open to new experiences can lead to...new experiences.)

Jane("I-like-honey-mustard-AND-ranch")Q
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #40  
Old 09-05-2012, 01:57 AM
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So true JaneQ! I hadn't really thought about that...if I attempt to limit what "may" happen, then I can very well miss the opportunity. I think I am worried about bringing in someone else, and how it will affect Storm. But then, he could very well find another and bring her in I think I need to be open to what may happen, because you never know
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