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  #21  
Old 09-01-2012, 11:38 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I agree with GG and NYC.

He has no right to tell you who you see. He has no right to tell who you fall for.

And he has NO RIGHT to push himself on other women. He wants his cake and eat it too. He is using you to live out his sexual fantasies not allowing you to be apart of that fantasy of your own free will.
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  #22  
Old 09-02-2012, 12:03 AM
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There are many threads on opp's if no one has mentioned that. Have a look in the tags. It might be helpful to read other peoples experiences.
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  #23  
Old 09-02-2012, 02:58 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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I'm wondering how long it's been since you opened your marriage. I'm also wondering if he's doing any work at looking into why he's insecure about other men being involved with you. These things can take time and work but he has to be willing to do the self reflection to figure out what is going on for him so that he can move past it. It's a pretty common place for people new to poly to start as it feels safe. The thing is you're not happy with the structure. If he's not willing to do the work then no amount of resoning is going to change his mind.

I also have to agree with other posters that he has absolutely no say in whether he becomes sexually involved with any partners you happen to have. If there's an attraction there, great, then you can all be involved together. If not, just because she's dating you doesn't give him any right to her body. Personally that would be a deal breaker for me and there's no way I would get involved with someone with whom the spouse was a package deal.
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  #24  
Old 09-02-2012, 04:24 AM
sundevil sundevil is offline
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This always seems to be some guys' biggest hangup. They love the idea of opening their relationships, and visions of threesomes with another woman dance in their heads. And then the woman has to ruin it all by suggesting she might actually prefer a male playmate/partner.

We could speculate for pages on the sociological/psychological reasons why another penis poses such a threat for these men, but the point is such an attitude is rather shortsighted, and not particularly considerate of their female partners, who they are expecting not to have the same hangups about another vagina in their bed.

Personal: I was the one who went to my wife several years ago about the possibility of opening our marriage, because I'd found myself attracted to a polyamorous friend of ours and wanted to explore something more with her. In doing so, I didn't have to assume with my headstrong, bisexual wife - if she consented to it, it meant by default that I accepted her exploring the possibility of relationships with other people. And I accepted that that might well include someone who owned a penis. It wasn't a question of being "more evolved" or enlightened - just seemed like common sense.

After all, I would have laughed like a hyena had she come to me asking to open our marriage so she could date a guy, and I was free to date others too, so long as they weren't female.

Last edited by sundevil; 09-02-2012 at 04:29 AM.
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  #25  
Old 09-04-2012, 02:04 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
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I am slowly realizing that this whole lifestyle was his way of living out his fantasies... Personally I hadn't thought about this life style at all when we first got together. But then after seeing what could happen and having someone else in my life I realized - hey this is pretty amazing!!

I think that he doesn't really understand that this is a partnership - it is almost to the point where regardless of what I do/say I lose. If I say I want to see another man - he will say divorce --- if i say fine then let's close up our marriage - he will continue to badger me about having another woman.

Quite the learning experience for me here lately. I greatly appreciate everyone's input! It makes me feel less "selfish" "crazy" "alone" xo
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  #26  
Old 09-04-2012, 04:27 PM
persephone persephone is offline
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What never computes about the OPP policy, for me, is that it is basically saying that straight women shouldn't be poly. And I know that my ability to love more than one has nothing to do with what kind of genitalia I choose to engage with.

I think it's also dismissive of female/female relationships in the first place, that it implies that they "don't count" as real relationships.

What always amuses me is that the wives/girlfriends of men who have a OPP could just as easily leave them for a woman, and in some states, mine included, they could even get married.

The only possible legitimacy I can see behind a OPP is the fear of pregnancy. It isn't unreasonable for your husband to not want to help raise another man's child. You two should definitely discuss what would happen if an accidental pregnancy resulted from another relationship. Outside of that issue, I think he needs to get over this.
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  #27  
Old 09-04-2012, 05:39 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by persephone View Post
The only possible legitimacy I can see behind a OPP is the fear of pregnancy. It isn't unreasonable for your husband to not want to help raise another man's child. You two should definitely discuss what would happen if an accidental pregnancy resulted from another relationship. Outside of that issue, I think he needs to get over this.

I agree...he does need to get over this. He says that he feels that the whole reason behind his idea - 2 wives and him is so that each of us women can fulfill each other as far as having someone to spend time with - watch movies, talk, hang out - etc all the things HE does NOT want to do.

As far as pregnancy - this would not be an issue whatsoever. I think it comes down to him just basically wanting what he wants - and he may have unleashed a demon he didn't think about when he said he wanted a poly relationship....he took that as he gets what he wants and I am left dealing with that. Which I have and I must say it was heartbreaking seeing him with someone else - and seeing her with my husband and seeing him change and act so differently with her than he does with me. Which I know is NRE - but what also hurt is this whole OPP policy. It makes me feel that I don't deserve to find someone like he has to be there for me as well....

I am not trying to make this well he has someone so to be fair I should have one - but honestly - I never would have thought I would want this lifestyle to begin with and now that i see that this is a very loving type of relationship having others to share my love with --- why should I be restricted to just the women (who mind you are straight) he chooses? I too want closeness and intimacy - not just him having the best of both worlds...

Sorry to ramble....i am feeling very hurt and confused. As I had posted in a different thread - I felt rejected when he brought home a straight woman and said here deal with it - this is all you can have???
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  #28  
Old 09-04-2012, 08:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Sorry to ramble....i am feeling very hurt and confused. As I had posted in a different thread - I felt rejected when he brought home a straight woman and said here deal with it - this is all you can have???
He is being less than ethical. Your feelings are not unreasonable to experience in this situation you are in.

You list your choices as thus:
Quote:
I think that he doesn't really understand that this is a partnership - it is almost to the point where regardless of what I do/say I lose. If I say I want to see another man - he will say divorce --- if i say fine then let's close up our marriage - he will continue to badger me about having another woman.
If this is what it is?

Here are your choices:

YOU DIVORCE. Because he wants to treat women as THINGS and not PERSONS with wants, needs, limits and VOICES of their own. You break it clean and then start dating when you are ready. His business is no longer your business. You win freedom over yourself and your decisions and freedom from his wacky.

YOU CLOSE AND STAY MARRIED. You were promised a monoship (is this right?) at the start so you return to the original contract without badgering from him. And you have a hard limit of badger me again we just break up because we do not agree. You win freedom from wacky and hopefully freedom from badgering. (Even if the hard limit is activated and you break up despite trying to stay together.)

YOU CLOSE TEMPORARILY. Because he and you want to open in a HEALTHIER way. You both seek counseling to work on this and communication skills while being CLOSED. Then work to Re-Open once the needed skills as mastered. Right now he thinks his way goes, and that is "partnership" in a marriage. That is not partnership. You win an improved spouse that treats you as an equal partner. You win new skills for yourself. You might even win a new polyship arrangement that suits both. Cupcakes for all!

YOU STAY OPEN. You just start dating without his input. Because he refuses to discuss it in a sane way and you will just do what HE does then. Move it forward without taking his temperature. Just like he moves it forward without taking yours. Is this going to be a DADT? Or just a petty tit for tat thing? Or what? (Not my fav option for myself -- I rather break up and deal with that than go on and on with wacky. But you'd win moving it FORWARD if nothing else. Even if not the most graceful solution -- it changes and moves forward and comes to a head.)

Sigh. I do not envy your position. It's not fun to pick. But I can't see what other choices there might be here.

If a partner REFUSES to engage in meaningful constructive conversation, you don't have a give-and-take two-people relationship. You have a one sided thing.

And you don't have to stay around for that.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-04-2012 at 08:29 PM.
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  #29  
Old 12-02-2012, 04:40 PM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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I've felt tempted to ask for a zero penis policy... but I very quickly realized that it's not my place to do so, before actually bringing it up with my partner.

It's her sex life, and I knew right from the start that she's not 100% Lesbian (she probably wouldn't have chosen me as a partner if she were, anyway) - so the matter is simple: Her choice to make who she sleeps with, my responsibility to deal with any irrational feelings that choice causes me.

Did I tell her I probably can't ever be really happy to have a penis interact with someone I love, let alone feel compersion? Yes, of course I did. It's my duty to honestly talk about things that make me uncomfortable.

Was I relieved to hear from her that sex with guys is a lot less important to her than with gals, and "serious" relationships come almost exclusively with women for her (with an oddball like me thrown in)? Yes, of course I was. However, that feeling of relief told me to make sure she's not just saying this as compromise, though - I had to make sure that feeling of hers ("I don't really need sex with guys and could live without that forever") would be just the same if I never entered her life at all.

But it was it ever my place to tell her what she may or may not do? Hell no it wasn't. I don't have a veto over my partner's love or sex life. And if it causes me pain/discomfort, that's my job to deal with, not hers. It's not my job to limit her choices out of my own issues - that is not love, it's ownership and abuse. Love should enrich the partner's life, not ever detract from its choice of options.


So, can I understand why people suggest OPPs? Yup. Very much - though as an asexual, my reasons are probably different than a straight dude's.

But understanding isn't the same as justifying. OPPs rub me the wrong way for the same reason that monogamy does - interfering with the freedom of choice of another person out of some kind of "partner's entitlement". I won't stand for being treated that way, so I couldn't look myself in the eye anymore if I start treating a partner that way, either.

If it hurts, that's where the growth happens. And if it hurts too much, it's my choice and my responsibility to walk away, instead of starting to blame my pain on my partner's actions.
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  #30  
Old 12-02-2012, 06:02 PM
Rex47 Rex47 is offline
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I read your post and thought "how sad".

Although I'm 100%, completely, and unalterably heterosexual, it has been my experience after a lifetime of multi-partner relationships that some of the most rewarding, rich, and memorable experiences have been with my male poly companions. My best friends, the men I've chosen to be trustingly close enough to that I would share my lovers with! It is an awesome and brotherly thing, that your husband apparently wants to shut out. Very sad.
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