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Old 09-04-2012, 11:03 AM
Violet1 Violet1 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 10
Question Is it unfair to say that he can't fuck her while I'm at work?

So my boyfriend and I don't really know what we're doing, as we're new to this whole world. I need advice concerning our open relationship. It's so hard to navigate this unknown world when there aren't a lot of examples to go by!!

I had been through a string of relationships where (1) the guy would eventually get so possessive that I couldn't even hang out with friends and (2) I inevitably became restless, sexually, where I just had the biggest urge to go out and cheat. Which I did, and it alleviated my boredom and restlessness, and helped me appreciate my bf again, but then I would feel so bad about keeping it a secret, that I'd tell and it would ruin everything.

So, after doing a lot of research, I though that in the next relationship had to have some degree of openness. I wanted to be able to have a one-off every once in a while with a man, and be able to build relationships with girls (as I have few female friends) and still be able to make it "more" if we so choose. And I didn't have a problem imagining the bf going and doing another girl, because in fact, I think the idea of a lovely lady enjoying my bf is extremely hot.

My boyfriend and I met at work where we are the only ones running the building during our shift. We agreed to go into this with open minds. For the last 9 months, our relationship has been very solid with lots of communication and trust.

So far, I have had a one-night stand with an old friend (male) and I also dated a girl a little bit, but that ended pretty quickly because I just wasn't that into her. He hadn't had any outside relationships until recently..

He met a girl at a bar and started talking to her. One night she came over, had some drinks and we all had sex together. It was a lot of fun, and I thought it was really sexy watching my bf fuck her. But since then, we've tried to hang out more and we've all gotten into bed a couple more times, but unfortunately I am quickly losing interest in her. She has ended up being kinda boring in bed, she doesn't do anything but lay there and despite saying she's bisexual and has had girlfriends in the past, she does absolutely nothing to/for me in bed. On top of that, the times that we've hung out and talked, she and I just haven't "clicked." I find her somewhat annoying and immature. So there's really nothing for me there. He is still somehow interested (even though she just lays there like a dead fish, how is that any fun??) and I gave him the blessing to hang out with her one night when I was at work. Well I thought it was going to be okay with me, but throughout the night, I was just worrying myself sick. I can't even pinpoint why, but I know I felt like complete shit. I knew where they were and what they were doing, and had given my okay for him to have sex with her. But it just killed me inside.

I think that a big part of the problem was that because we met at work and work together every other day except Thursdays, when he has off and I have to work, so being at work while he's at home fucking another girl, is really really hard for me because everything I do at work reminds me of him! I can't help but think that if I was working a job that had nothing to do with him I would be able to focus on that and put him and her out of my mind and not worry all night.

The thing is that they oh-so-conveniently both have one day off a week, which is Thursday, when I have to work. So the next week I told him he could hang out with her, but just this time not to be sexual with her, so that I could reassure myself that it is still alright with me for him to hang out with her without me. And it was fine. I went home after work and didn't feel shitty.

But now he wants to be able to do it again this Thursday, and I don't know if I'm ready. He claims that I am trying to sabotage his chances with her because I'm not crazy about her. Not true. I just don't want to be stuck at work while he's doing that. I want it to be that he goes and does her when I am out doing something (not necessarily with my lover, even just with friends) so that I don't have to think about it the whole time.

Also, I know that he doesn't want me to get into any type of relationship with another guy. A one-night stand or two is fine, but he's not comfortable with me being more than just fuck buddies with any male. With females, he doesn't care if I get close to them. So this is another issue, because if it were up to me he would not get close to other girls. But, as he has pointed out, and I know it is true, that it is way harder for men to get laid without getting to know the person first. So I guess I kind of have to just let him build relationships with his fuck buddies because otherwise I'm making rules that only suit me. This I realize but I am having a hard time coming to terms with it.

So I realize that our situation is not exactly polyamorous.. but it's not really swinging either. We both know that traditional monogamy isn't the right path for us, but we are having trouble forging a different path that will work for us, and we don't know where to turn for advice. If you read this, please tell me any insights you might have, and remember that we're new at this!

Main question: Is it unfair or unrealistic for me to say that he can't fuck her while I'm at work? That he can only do it while I'm out doing something social as well?

Thanks for reading! And I'll answer any questions you may have if this post needs clarification.
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boundary pushing, control issues

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