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  #111  
Old 09-04-2012, 09:58 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Troll?
Yep. And he's trying (with some degree of success, sadly) to neg-hit the entire forum.
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  #112  
Old 09-04-2012, 12:22 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by evanevans View Post
I just want to provide for them to enable them. I am not interested in disabling them. That said, if they are with me, they are inside my ruleset. And if they break my ruleset, they are still free to not be with me. But my ruleset is not disabling, or demotivating, or devaluing, or abusive, or possessive.
OK, here's something else that I would suggest you think about.

Several things that you have posted about what you want out of your relationships have to do with you setting up a place according to your rules - you will work out what BC should be used, you will not allow other men to live there, but you will allow your women to have outside relationship, etc. - if they don't like them they can leave. This sounds a lot like "my way or the highway".

In order to be respectful of the people with whom you have a relationship, the "ruleset" should be something negotiated between you - because even though they may not have it all written down and thought-out, everyone has a ruleset, or set of boundaries.

So this may well be the language you are using here - in which case, maybe you could explain more, but this comes across as "I am going to make the rules. Everyone has to sign on to my rules. They will be happy with my rules, or they can leave." The undertone (without you explicitly saying it) is that their rules don't matter, because yours trumps all of them.

Do you see how this could come across?

(Oh and I think Honduras is usually considered Central America, not South America :-) )
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  #113  
Old 09-04-2012, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Several things that you have posted about what you want out of your relationships have to do with you setting up a place according to your rules - you will work out what BC should be used, you will not allow other men to live there, but you will allow your women to have outside relationship, etc. - if they don't like them they can leave. This sounds a lot like "my way or the highway".

In order to be respectful of the people with whom you have a relationship, the "ruleset" should be something negotiated between you - because even though they may not have it all written down and thought-out, everyone has a ruleset, or set of boundaries.

So this may well be the language you are using here - in which case, maybe you could explain more, but this comes across as "I am going to make the rules. Everyone has to sign on to my rules. They will be happy with my rules, or they can leave." The undertone (without you explicitly saying it) is that their rules don't matter, because yours trumps all of them.
Yeah I'm not a stingy person at all. Very fair and interested in the well being of others. Though I will have my rules and that will be there at the outset, what they want can be negotiated as well. The reason I have my rules are to protect the entire sanctum. Exceptions (poking holes in some rules) could be made to people who demonstrate respectful behavior (likely those who have been around the longest and earned trust). But outside of my rules, yes, good point, listening to their needs and negotiating that with them so everyone is still ok and happy and feeling respected will be paramount in treating them as I would want to be treated myself.
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  #114  
Old 09-04-2012, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Yep. And he's trying (with some degree of success, sadly) to neg-hit the entire forum.
I'm not trying at all. Acting like a Troll, maybe, but I'm just defending myself, I really didn't want to have to go the "troll" route.

And I get the impression that it's important to you guys that I answer your replies, so that's why I'm all over every response and posting so much. Because I left one unanswered for a few hours and someone already got all insecure about it and thought I was ignoring them. I expected more from people of like minds. I thought Poly people were open minded, open hearted, fulfilled, secure people, but I see that all those things do not come with being open, necessarily.
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  #115  
Old 09-04-2012, 04:02 PM
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So each of your rules are hard-line non-negotiables for you? In order to enter into this, you will have to agree to them and comply? The only time anyone has the right to talk about their wishes is after a certain amount of time has passed, and you trust them enough?

How many of these rules are there? If there are more than a few, I think that you are going to narrow down the list of people that are willing to enter into this even more. Also, I think that the folks that you get that *are* going to agree with it are going to be problematic for you, as I mentioned earlier.
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  #116  
Old 09-04-2012, 07:51 PM
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When you go on the internet, evan, and ask questions from strangers on a message board, you don't get to scold them for not answering the way you think they should, nor to tell them how to answer. We operate by the rules of the board, not you, and only a moderator can tell us how to answer in ways that comply. So, if someone is getting a rise out of you, it's on you. You don't have to belittle us and say we are not acting in the true spirit of poly. Methinks you know jack shit about effective communication. We could help you if you weren't so combative and arrogant in your responses and being such a drag with your big "No" to everyone. Ick. I am not offended by your words because I don't give that kind of power to strangers on a message board, but I see that you like to instigate and try to offend people, for some reason.

This is useless, and I know you will likely not be coming back here six months from now, nor contributing in any helpful way to anyone else's threads. You just want to get agreement and only the kind of feedback you want to get, to handle your "huge" (in actuality, common as mud) problem. Eccch, you're selfish.

I'm done with you.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-04-2012 at 07:57 PM.
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  #117  
Old 09-04-2012, 08:05 PM
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I'm wondering if your soon to be wife had to agree to certain rules upon meeting you if the 2 of you were going to be together or if through the process of getting to know each othwr you developped the boundaries of where your relationship would lie together? In the case of the latter any other relationship (and woman who you are in the relationship with ) deserves the same respect. If you had premade rules for your soon to be wife before meeting her and that's what's working for you then have ar it. You're just not going to get a lot of sipport from people here since for the most part we believe in equality in relationships and that everyone involved has a say when it comes to what their relationship will look like. I don't know if I speak for anyone else but I find what I'm reacting to in the way that you talk is that it sounds like you're looling for a patriarchal polygamous set up without the religious overtones.
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  #118  
Old 09-04-2012, 10:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I'm wondering if your soon to be wife had to agree to certain rules upon meeting you if the 2 of you were going to be together or if through the process of getting to know each othwr you developped the boundaries of where your relationship would lie together? In the case of the latter any other relationship (and woman who you are in the relationship with ) deserves the same respect. If you had premade rules for your soon to be wife before meeting her and that's what's working for you then have ar it. You're just not going to get a lot of sipport from people here since for the most part we believe in equality in relationships and that everyone involved has a say when it comes to what their relationship will look like. I don't know if I speak for anyone else but I find what I'm reacting to in the way that you talk is that it sounds like you're looling for a patriarchal polygamous set up without the religious overtones.
You fail to mention that velveeta masks the flavor of Haldol a lot better than peanut butter.
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  #119  
Old 09-04-2012, 10:41 PM
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
So each of your rules are hard-line non-negotiables for you? In order to enter into this, you will have to agree to them and comply? The only time anyone has the right to talk about their wishes is after a certain amount of time has passed, and you trust them enough?

How many of these rules are there? If there are more than a few, I think that you are going to narrow down the list of people that are willing to enter into this even more. Also, I think that the folks that you get that *are* going to agree with it are going to be problematic for you, as I mentioned earlier.
Yeah I agree with you. Talking about this has really shed some light on everything. For one thing, it almost seems like the people I want to come into my circle aren't to be Poly minded people. If they were they wouldn't want what I'm setting up. So that's a little bit of a reality check right there. And so those who would be excited to join up with me and my girls, would eventually be the types who would grow to be problems with the situation. I see that better now than before that is for sure.

As far as each of my rules being hard line non-negotiables, no not really. But I mean no cheating would be one... only respectful permission based sharing. I'm not going to set up a Hostel where I support women to be free to enjoy their life with no regard to me. It's supposed to be people who agree to be with me as my girlfriends or more. So calling that hard lined non-negotiables seems like you are putting a stigma on that. I think that's very sensible. I know my limits and it will be spelled out so that they know what they are getting into. If they want to join up with me, than they know what my preferences are going in. If they break the rules, it isn't "get on the highway", every situation will be approached with compassion and understanding and patience and caring if not love. We can talk about why they broke my groundrules, and what they can do in the future to better respect them. From there you get a about three strikes I'd say, within reason, because as they say: The first time is an accident, the second time is a coincidence, and the third time is a pattern.
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  #120  
Old 09-04-2012, 10:44 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
When you go on the internet, evan, and ask questions from strangers on a message board, you don't get to scold them for not answering the way you think they should, nor to tell them how to answer. We operate by the rules of the board, not you, and only a moderator can tell us how to answer in ways that comply. So, if someone is getting a rise out of you, it's on you. You don't have to belittle us and say we are not acting in the true spirit of poly. Methinks you know jack shit about effective communication. We could help you if you weren't so combative and arrogant in your responses and being such a drag with your big "No" to everyone. Ick. I am not offended by your words because I don't give that kind of power to strangers on a message board, but I see that you like to instigate and try to offend people, for some reason.

This is useless, and I know you will likely not be coming back here six months from now, nor contributing in any helpful way to anyone else's threads. You just want to get agreement and only the kind of feedback you want to get, to handle your "huge" (in actuality, common as mud) problem. Eccch, you're selfish.

I'm done with you.
I see you take no responsibility for scolding me, and you excuse the actions of your friends. I'm not interested in changing your core beliefs so that you can approach this differently and have compassion for the things that others did to me in here. It's not necessary for me. I know where you are coming from and I'm sure in time you will have a better idea of my "texture" than the premature judging you have projected onto our conversations. I appreciate you and your experiences and what you have to offer me and others here. If you want to treat me like second class, I cannot do anything about that.
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