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  #21  
Old 09-04-2012, 01:39 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I have to go with Opalescent. Is this chick a cowgirl?

She doesn't have to LOOOOVE you but dude! Poly is like waterbed. Fling yourself on there you set MORE than the common partner bobbling about. Does HE acknowledge this? Polymath is polymath, man.

He is also neglecting YOUR relationship. Seeing her so often and neglecting your needs at home.

No wonder you feel ugh.

Get yourselves back in right relationship.

You ---> DH. Know and state your needs and hold him accountable. "Hey man, cool that you are trying to make it work with your GF, but what am I? Chopped liver?"

DH ---> You. Some acknowledgement of what he does or what his GF does affects you in your health buckets -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health. Are they going for minimal bucket slosh? Don't ding you intentionally or thoughtlessly then, please.

You <--> GF. Look, even if she says NOTHING? On the GF ---> You direction?

What are you doing about the You ---> GF direction?

YOU could call her up and say "Hey, I've not received any kind of word from you about this whole mess. We don't have to be best friends or anything, but the polite and common courtesy thing here to do is apologize for making waves with my DH. He is my husband, I live here. I have to deal with the moods here at home when you ding him. So it would be nice if you could also apologize to ME for dinging him and making ugh for me in my home. Treat me with some manners, please. Not make mess in my home life and pretend like it don't happen."

Just my 2 cents.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-04-2012 at 01:41 AM.
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  #22  
Old 09-04-2012, 09:43 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I'm feeling devil's advocate tonight...if I did something that hurt my boyfriend, even if it affected his other relationships, I probably would apologize extensively to him, perhaps repeatedly, but other than saying I was sorry for his partner, I wouldn't apologize to them specifically, because I am not friends with them (much to my dismay, but since we are not, it would be creepy to pursue them and inflict an apology on them against their will... note - if it was an STI or something, I would probably go directly to them to apologize, but other than that, an emotional issue, probably not. I have NOT read previous posts so my response might not particularly pertinent.

About that look... well I'd like to keep things separate, I look at my husband like X, I look at my boyfriend like X, those things are moments in time. where things feel good, its awkward to feel like you're invading privacy or space when its a good moment between others, but we all have those for those we love. If you are still finding it making you stressed, I'd have a talk about attending events in the future where you are not the primary date, to work out with them that you get a 30 minute mini date in the middle of the event where it's just you and him (this wouldn't work for everybody, but I know when my partner and I picked up his date to go to an event ..it was fine then overwhelming, then the rest of the night was stressful because of lack of communication about just what was supposed to happen (I think it could have easily been worked out with a couple minutes of privacy, but in poly a lot of situations pop up where it is just hard to make that happen. If future events are untenable, I'd avoid events if they were a couple at it, if I still wanted to go and it was OK but uncomfortable, I'd ask for that mini-date during the event, and if it was torture, I'd stay home or ask him to be my date in the future for events of that particular nature.

pre-edit, man, when I need spell check to spell torture for me correctly, I feel like BDSM is just not for me...

My other thought is, you don't know what to call your other partners, your lovers or boyfriends...is any of how you term them dependent on what you think your husband is feeling at the moment? Do you know what you consider them? I've gotten the impression that defining things as more casual than they are to ease someone else's feelings backfires, so figuring out what a relationship is feeling like to you so you can be authentic in describing it to your husband or other partners can be pretty useful, of awkward and confusing at times. I certainly don't mind if a partner says "I don't know whats happening yet" either!

And..you say he'd been on dates with her, or with her, 5 out of the last 10 days the last time you posted - I'm not for suggesting how people should make their agreements but have you made agreements for yourselves? Here we have 2x a week with an interest is a default OK, we have to speak up if we want more, if we want more if means making sure we are doing household chores and making our live in partner feel valued and satisfied with any other agreements we have made.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 09-04-2012 at 09:47 AM.
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  #23  
Old 09-04-2012, 04:36 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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weeeellll.... it looks like he broke up with her... for real this time.
He suspected her of being secretive about something again... it made him restless... he thought long and hard... and told her he can't go on like this.

he's sad and hurting, and I hate to see that, but I do think that in the end its all for the best.

He told me he was going back and forth all the time for the past couple of weeks, sometimes thinking 'I can do this, we share something good, I can get past the crazyness and lies'... and then thinking, 'no I can't do this, I don't really respect and trust her'.

He never really told me about this dilemma, and looking back, I think that part of my big Issues with her was what I did tap in to these insecurities of his - even when he was telling me things were fine between them.

we'll see...
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  #24  
Old 09-04-2012, 04:41 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post

My other thought is, you don't know what to call your other partners, your lovers or boyfriends...is any of how you term them dependent on what you think your husband is feeling at the moment? Do you know what you consider them?
maybe this is no longer relevant, but Anneintherain (oh how I love your username!) I did want to respond to this. You know English is not my native language right? In my own language I have a word for both my guys (the ones I'm not married to ) that perfectly describes what position they have in my life. I suppose ' lovers' would be the best translation, but in English, this seems too casual to me. They are definitely not casual relationships. So that's why on the forum I always seem to have to decide between lover and boyfriend.

I recently saw someone use 'loves' and perhaps that is what I will use from now on when writing in English about them. I love them both, even though they hold very different positions in my life.

In fact, I think I will go and update my sig line now
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf


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There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen
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  #25  
Old 09-04-2012, 07:46 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Well -- that's a new development then.

Hopefully you both can provide each other with appropriate post break up aftercare.

Your emotional buckets got shaken up a lot lately with this person.

hugs
GG
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  #26  
Old 09-04-2012, 08:59 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Ahh, that's why, not because you don't know what you think of them!

I hope you get through this transition OK, I think it's nice that he didn't talk so much about his thinking process the last couple of weeks - usually I want to know what my husband is thinking but after reading this, I realized that once when he was struggling with figuring out if he should keep dating one person, he'd talk about how he didn't think things would work out, then he'd see them and decide it would, then he'd see them and decide it wouldn't....well it was tiring and somewhat disappointing when every time I thought it was settled he'd change his mind, I'll have to remember this next time it happens.

I sure know I'd struggle with having metamours I didn't feel I could trust, you certainly handled it better than I would have.
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